Introspective reflection

I realize now more than I have for some time how I must look inwards to find answers to my unhappiness. My previous attempts to understand my pain as it has been caused by others has proven fruitless indeed.

I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.

I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.

It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.

This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.

Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.

No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.

As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side  of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.

I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
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I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.

I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.

Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.

realization

So I was writing for tumblr (http://cynicalviking.tumblr.com/)
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.

The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.

So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.

Ambition and depression

So it seems like pretty much a constant that as soon as ambition rears it's head in my life so do these great wall of obstacles.

I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.

It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"

No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.

Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.

Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.

That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.

I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?

No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.

the end is not the end, there is yet more abyss

I'm not doing well. I seriously want solutions in a world that only wants to provide excuses. That's wrong. The world doesn't want anything. The world can't want anything, it's a large heavy object that we stick to. Wanting implies intelligence.

The people I meet and beg for answers provide excuses.

It's going to get better..... Ah the most common salve for my pain. As if you are introducing a thought I have never heard before. How original! Can you back that up? How many people have had cancer and just die? It does not have to get better. Nothing at all has to happen. If it did life would be deterministic. It would mean that somehow the universe progresses from the state it's in to the state it will be in and that those two relate to each other. My current viewpoint is that is not true. If there were rules to the system I could exploit it to free myself of my shackles..... I am not free yet because I have found no trend or rule that is sturdy enough to break these chains.

God will help...... I want to point out that again this is not original. This is the faith answer, and it is usually given by someone who has not spent night after night for years staring into the abyss, then begging God to pull them out. People who have faith that salvation is coming absolutely don't seem to be aware of the abyss.

The abyss as I define it is a large black spiritual void that those of us unfortunate enough to cross the wrong forces are cast into. The abyss might be hell, or it might be a special preview. In this place God's work and love do not exist in any kind of tangible way. It is agony beyond what I can find words for, and I personally would do anything to escape. I have begged, on hands and knees and in a consistent way for God to free me. It is not yet to be.

"Look! It's about to get better." Don't be fooled by the mirage of a new job, new relationship, new good thing. Nothing has roots until it lasts. A tree after all does not give fruit when it first peeks out of the soil. It is many weeks or years before I can rely on the fruit to be there. Of course that's all hypothetical. I wait yet for good. Not because I trust, because I am given no choice in the matter.

There is naturally a choice I just discounted. I could always die. That would be lovely. I don't know that it would be good.

It is staggering the amount of things I don't know.
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I think my big issue is that when I speak to people about the hopelessness, the darkness, the abyss, they assume I don't believe in God. Not so. In fact I would have fewer issues with the abyss if there weren't a loving caring God. Having issues with darkness is really a light problem. Someone drowning doesn't really have a water problem, they have a breathing problem. Drowning really does sum up the way this thing works, because swimming doesn't fix drowning. It delays it, sure. But land stop drowning, air stops drowning, the pressure lessening on the chest and the body being allowed to do what it does best stops drowning.

Just because there is air doesn't mean drowning stops happening. Thinking air thoughts won't make the air easier to get in my lungs.

I wish it was easy to just say that I cast my heart on God, my pain, my impossible problems. It's not so easy. He doesn't see me. I scream and he preps the earplugs. I write him and he burns the letters. I read his scripture, invite him into my heart, and have given him everything.

None of this has brought me salvation. None of this has given me peace. All I have succeeded in is petitioning an all powerful God for help, and fallen flat. I ache, and it's not going away. What I asked him for even a year ago seems more impossible now than ever. It's a struggle because I really have learned more doubt than faith in this painful season. As my dreams become distant memories, I don't see how he could possibly love him. I can't stop seeking him, loving him, trying to reconcile, because that's not who I am.

I don't have clue who he is anymore, but I know who I am. I don't give up, even when it seems like everyone else has. If he had the kind of integrity, honor, or respect for me that I try to show him, it would be amazing to me. Because I have given more than I can afford to him, and then asked if he was capable of outdoing my generousity. It would appear I won that match, and I don't see how he ever could.

The thing is, he has his needs provided for, he has hope, and he does not have to be seperated from perfection. Pain is a distant memory for him. He cannot give more than he can afford to. I have yet to meet or hear of a multibillionaire who gave away more than he needed to eat. God controls all resources, meaning he is in control of something with more substance than money, the very essence of the universe itself. His energy, his power is beyond our imagination. That being the case, if I gave even just 10% of myself to him, the equal amount for him to give back would be more than the cumulative wealth of the planet. And he says he'll do more! This is a theological impossible silly thing, because he does so much less than even what I ask him. Meanwhile the scripture talks about how faithful he is. Well is he or isn't he? He must only be one way, God cannot sin....

I have searched for light and found dispair. I begged to find meaning and found humility in the total failing I have to make any sense out of life. I know how limited my resources are, and I knew that from the start or I wouldn't have brought larger than life problems and dreams to him, fully expecting him to be capable.

The amazing thing is that despite the hundreds of verses that speak of rewards for faith, I have received more pain than I could have bargained for. The enemy has had a much more active role in who I have become than God has, and I'm told that this is his will. Refined like Gold by God.............. What if I'm not the gold? because all I see are impurities. I do not see anything loved, or worthwhile, or blessed in my life. I see death, actually worse than that I see a life without any kind of mercy.  The smallest mercy would be death, and the greatest would be a better life, yet I have been allowed neither, despite asking.

The woman I love

I do not think in the nearly four years I have been keeping a blog I have had a post like this.
I'd like to talk about the woman I love.

It feels as though I've been alive several lifetimes. There was the lifetime where I was married, then that guy died. Then there was my second life, carefree bachelor days serving myself and very little else. Then there was my life of extreme faith and fervor for causes and philosophy.

I don't know when that last one ended, or if it ever really did. I am still prone to rant on endlessly about the injustice in the world, or my displeasure about my place in it (mostly financially, sometimes socially). At times I forget, or refuse to see what I have. I'm not going into a rant about how wonderful life is, in fact I just came back from a disappointing workout, after a disappointing semester at school, and I suspect I am going to soon be getting a disappointing job.

The woman I love is an island of sanity in a life I feel is out of control. Her love for me is an anchor. She doesn't hate me for my flaws, she loves me regardless. Sometimes even because of them. She doesn't expect me to overcome my natural shortcomings, to be someone I'm not or to rise to make so much that she never has to work. She knows I work hard, and it seems that's enough. She told me she never intends to leave me. I've heard that before, but she's been here for nearly a year. I'm starting to think she might be serious about that.

I never would have seen it happening like this. The biggest reason is I would have never abandoned my life to this madness willingly. The fact that she has loved me in the worst days of my life means more than some of the happiest moments I've had. No, it's not the most erotic feeling I've ever had. Erotic feelings are hormones. I still think that up there in erotic feelings are uncontrollable erections in math class when the girl you like is sitting across the room and doesn't notice you. My top ten erotic feelings include several very unromantic and unrealistic moments. Hormones are weird.

I was thinking about saying whether it is the most romantic relationship I've had, and it might be. I'm constantly experiencing an emotion of "I found you" which sums up the most romantic feeling for me. Finding someone right next to me who is everything I need, that's romance. Not some random chick I think I love letting me take her out, I've been there, done that. The romance I build up in my head for the girl I've got a jones for is usually way more than she can deliver.

Romance is realizing that even though a woman isn't the perfect size, she feels amazing in my arms. Love is finding a woman sexy because she is so good to me.  She's not perfect, thank God! I don't trust something that seems perfect, it's usually pretty hard to keep up.

I can say I'd like her to have my children. I'd like to marry her. I hope that things last. The thing is that even if they don't, this is a nice moment. It's nice that I look forward to seeing her every day. It's nice that I really do think she belongs next to me in my bed. More-so than others who have tried to fill the spot. 

strange obscure stuff for fun

I don't know what I found..... It's wonderful, strange, awful, and simply insane.

So with that in mind I present for your joy:

I'd say it's like a cross between HP Lovecraft and They Might Be Giants. I have ordered an album by this fellow Bill Frenzer and encourage supporting this very interesting man.

This next one we cannot support because for unfathomable reasons it's not only very hard to find this music, it appears that an album hasn't been published. Maybe someone will hound him to release this.

I'm sorry, normally I have more than this to share. I just don't think anything stacks up to these two things for weird and wonderful. If you disagree post song names and artists, I might be able to track them down.

A word on so called "Freedom"

I don't know if it's growing up in Tea Party country or a sign of the times but I have generated quite a few problems with so called freedom. Growing up I was fed a version of history that is both centered on America and focused on portraying America (and Americans) as excellent.

This is all to lead up to the idea for why America tells me we've gone to war so much in our short history. That reason is said to be freedom.

The dictionary definition of freedom is:
"the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint." (source Google)

The point I started to have some unpleasant feeling towards the word was during the two wars starting after the events of 2001. The reason as I remember it was to "spread freedom". It conjured up an image of american with a big butter knife spreading freedom like jam. Jammy goodness for all!

But wait, how can you spread freedom? It's an idea, and in actual concept has been shrinking for years (and at no time faster than right after 2001). If you ask historians the reason for the american revolution was taxation without representation. Do we have it better now? Look at the colonies still associated with the UK, are things bad there?

Meanwhile in the United States we have the greatest wealth gap in our history. Freedom in this country seems to be more about a freedom to amass large hunks of resources at the expense of others. The poor are completely unrepresented in government as money has become speech. Don't pretend we live in a democracy, that day was over a little while ago. Let's watch how long before I can't speak against our wonderful capitalist masters (heavy sarcasm).

There is no freedom so long as there are those not free to eat, or drink clean water, or live a respectable life. All the numbers point to there being more than enough resources on this planet to go around. So why don't they? Freedom. There's plenty of freedom in America. It's just a shame that it's in the hands of so few.

Reseeding the lawn as meditation

I personally believe that anything can be meditation, but some things are better than others. My personal experience has shown growing plants to be a very meditative practice. It forces patience, requires vigilance and encourages humility. I must wait for the plant to grow. While I wait it is beneficial to be constantly watchful of my plants (particularly young ones) for signs of disease, not enough water or too much water. Of course in my yard it is not possible to get rid of too much water but anyway.

Over the past few years I have neglected my lawn to the point that the back lawn three months ago had less grass than the sidewalk on the front of the house. This is shameful to me, I cannot abide for a house that represents me to the world. So two months ago I started reseeding. For three weeks nothing happened. Then large sections starting growing very quickly. Then I stopped seeing new sprouts. Around 40% of the area with no plant growth before had grass now. I kept watering, but this resulted in moss starting to form on the ground, the remaining seeds wouldn't sprout.

So last night I bought another round of grass seed, and I got some of it on the ground today (and it's raining).

The lesson I have learned is that when I work hard, there will be results. At the same time, those results are humbling to my pride. I am young yet and have much to learn. It seems to be a very suburban value system to spend so much time and emotional energy on grass, which does very little in a real sense. It's not about that though, it's about getting reward where I can.

Life is changing. Soon I will be embarking on a new career. In turbulent times I find comfort in simple things, the green of new grass, the way the new growth looks so thankful to be here. I too am thankful for my life such as it is. Thankful to be on this planet in this moment, and to be able to share my joy with others.

hopeless

I don't have anything to say here that I haven't said before. I look forward at the dark abyss that is the future. Every time I think it's as dark as it can get, life trumps that. I don't believe in rock bottom, if I'm breathing there is something I can lose. There is something I'm taking for granted. Yes, others have it worse, I know because I keep getting worse. Everyone says God will find a way, I'm baffled to see how.

Rest In Peace Mickey Rooney

Mickey Rooney passed yesterday. While he may not be as familiar to younger generations he was in countless films through his 93 years. Pete's Dragon has to be my favorite, here he is in all his glory (I was just singing this while playing skyrim)

of course I can't really be sad, there is nothing better than a life well lived. A life worthy of good parody:
Oh that's right, SNL is nearly impossible to find online due to copyright law.... a shame since this is one of my all time favorite skits, so here is the transcript:
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91itheatre.phtml

Purpose

I'd like to share a part of the affirmation from my previous regular church, Victory Christian in Tulsa Oklahoma.

"I'm here on purpose because I have a purpose"

What is a purpose? I ask out of genuine confusion. I'm not confused as to the meaning (checks dictionary).

According to Google a purpose is, "the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists." Which kind of implies that something is created. I suppose my stance is ultimately humanist as I find that concept very silly.

Biologically the facts state that a person is born because life wants to reproduce. Why? Because life affronts basic entropy by trying to stick around regardless of what sort of issues come up. So if you want a scientific reason for existence, this is it: to exist.

So this gives a much better answer for why bad things happen: stress testing. If I don't make it, I didn't deserve to and thus my failure is justified. Which is actually the EXACT SAME ANSWER that Christianity has for why God allows life to fuck with us.

1 Peter 1:6-8 says: "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,…"

So we might then conclude that the Christian purpose for life is to suffer... which again is too simple.

Christ said "I come that you may have life and life more abundantly"..... and I was going to jump on a rant about how Christ came so that life would be okay, but it does not say that. It says we would have life and have it abundantly... Which depends on what your definition of life is.

Again the Google definition is: "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death."

Was there anything in there about getting rich? How about romance? Peace? Happiness? Safety? No?
Because all that is crap. The only thing Christ says about it amounts essentially to "don't worry about it and it will be taken care of well".

The other often quote scripture says that God has a plan for you, plans for hope and a future. The problem is that scripture was directed to a specific group of people. Heck, I can go one better, read the promises of Isaiah. There is a SPECIFIC LITERAL PROMISE to make you rich. To encrust your walls with precious stones. Go to God and try to claim that promise. Go on, it'll be fun..... Oh he didn't do anything about that? Maybe that's because that specific promise is directed towards some specific people that aren't you or me.

Fuck. I'd love to believe in some sort of magical purpose God has for my life, but realistically the only reason I am here right now is that I survived. If I had put a gun to my head God's plan would move along just as well. If there is a plan where is it? If God actually has some kind of shit he wants done by me would he allow such a fucking strong desire to die to exist? Fuck no. A purpose denotes importance, forethought and possibly love. I don't deny that God loves us. I heavily question whether that love includes a future, hope, happiness, or life EVER stopping hurting. It doesn't have to happen. If it did, it would. As always I may be proven entirely wrong. I would love for that to happen. I'm not typing this up because I'm on the attack with God, I'm on the defense from life. God can either be on my side or on the sidelines. He's good so he can't attack me directly. In fact he can't through inaction hurt me. All he can do is show up later and say there was a purpose to it........ I struggle with this. I've been asking questions and am still yet to get an answer.

Here is what Kurt Vonnegut came up with in Cat's Cradle:
"In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness.
And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.”  And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man.  Mud as man alone could speak.  God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke.  Man blinked.  “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.
“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.
“Certainly,” said man.
“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.  And He went away."

Seems as good an answer as any.

writing to vent

There are many purposes of writing. Sometimes you write to make money. Sometimes you write to please or impress someone. Then sometimes it's just because if you don't fucking say something you're going to scream.

Yes, today I am writing because of the third reason. I managed to make it back to this fucking pointless class this week, and I really thought "ok, I can do this". To preface this I got an amazing game started last night, I just got back into working out, and it's a beautiful spring day outside. Oh and let's not forget that this class is a three hour train wreck about something I already know well enough about. Should be easy? Yeah, it was last semester, when I had a teacher with a genuine love of people. I don't know how to describe this class.

It's not that she's a bad teacher, it's that she wants to challenge me and instead makes me angry. Reminds me of a therapist I once had. The current assignment we are working on is a research paper where we take three sources and pull some kind of common topic out of them. Ok, great, give me three cups of coffee, some concerta and my tv/game turned off in the room to motivate me to fucking finish. Instead we launch into this in class...... I don't want to be here anyway and she is wanting me to work on an assignment that contains not ONE creative thought.

I cannot state even how frustrated I am with this class

Tarot Reading

This time it is to sort out feelings, as a meditation.

I had a six card read from a website, which is of course silly, but good for saying yes and no to.
In the end I said yes to all of it, that it mirrors things a bit

Card 1: The moon (present situation)
Basicly means things are in chaos and I strongly desire that to end. That I am afraid, but do it anyway. Also a good omen for secret plans (yeah, I have some).

Card 2: Death (what I want)
This means I desire radical change.

Card 3: The Hierophant (fears)
That I don't know what I am doing. Seek council.

Card 4 the fool (it says this is my personal card, and what I have going for me)
things are going well. If you want change it will happen.

Card 5 the chariot (what's against you)
arrogance and bullying

Card 6 Judgement (outcome)
Things will happen sooner than I think. Things will change for the better.

This is not faith in the cards, the cards are a tool for me to reflect on my own heart.
I believe this is true, that things are difficult now, cloudy. I do want change. I also think God is bringing me to the end of this struggle. Any time now. It's marching closer. It's almost here. I want to stop thinking about the pain, and greet the change with the new day.

It's important to be ready. A prepared man is one rarely caught off guard. I pray that when I am it is God's majesty that is too grand for even my grandest visions of him. 

the land and my heart

I still remember the first time I stepped into my house, and it was mine. Yes, there was the annoying mortgage, and there were plenty of projects to do (even more now). It was a step further towards joy. Still some nights I sit in my house, with joy that I have no landlord. Yes, there is debt. Yes, there are taxes. I haven't found a way out of that yet. The point is there is nothing like ownership for freedom.

If you rent, I pray you experience this someday.

My dream..... which is still out of reach, is to own tens if not hundreds of acres in the mountains. I don't even fully have the ability to understand or explain that level of freedom. Of course my condition is that I can pay cash for it...... I know it's huge.... I also know God's power is bigger.

If it can happen it can happen to you. We live in a world where there are vast reserves of cash and resources literally doing nothing. There are these people who for whatever reason are holding on to more than I could make at my present wage in 10,000 lifetimes. I could be crushed by this, but I choose to take heart. The resources exist. The land exists, no one is living on so many of the wonderful pieces of land available. It's a vision, it's a dream. God can do it. Will he? You'll have to wait and see like I am.

What I can say is that regardless of whether this vision and dream comes to pass as predicted God still has amazing plans for me. In fact the bible says they are greater and more majestic than I can imagine or describe. Keep in mind the lifestyle I described, that is what my heart hopes for. God can and will do more for those that have faith. Problems, I have plenty. I have my share of enemies. I'm not without my mistakes. God has taken less and made more. He made a king out of a shepherd, he used a poor man and his fiance to set in motion a plan that would turn the religious world on it's head.

He can, he has and he will. He is the same today as yesterday and he still will be yet.

Eyes upward balancing ego and humility

Almost every conversation I begin with God begins with the legalistic reminder that I give myself that he knows better.

"Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts."

So even as I ask for his help in doing what I think is right I have to admit I may not be headed in the right direction. The bible frequently makes statements about being humble. In the Catholic practice it is one of the seven virtues (to contrast the seven deadly sins). Being a younger man I have to admit this is at times the most difficult part about following God. I'm not alone. The scripture provides examples of how we should act along with how those same good people had issues with pride and selfishness. 

The scripture says that Jesus himself named as the second greatest commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself." I've brought this up in therapy several times. It's my interpretation that you have to love yourself to love your neighbor. It's a balancing act. Pride usually becomes interpreted as vanity when it is at the expense of others. Greed isn't perceived sinful until it takes food from the hungry. If everyone had enough to eat and a place to live I doubt we would have the deep divide in our nation between those whom have what they need (and what they want as well), and those who do not have what they need. It bothers something in us.

Today I'm working on laying my pain down as an offering. I see some light that God has revealed where I was broken, and I am closer to healing. This remains a struggle, but I think God is leading me out. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me." These are the words of David who knew better than anyone what it meant to lose and lose and lose, yet God stayed with him. He was delivered by God.

I can't really swallow that God only wants to deliver a few. It doesn't follow that God would love a select few enough for his direct movement. "For God so Loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that all might have life and have it everlasting"

"Romans 2:11 For God does not show favoritism."

He's not looking to create a 1% super loving fanbase. He wants all of us.

Christ said "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance"

He came for the broken, for the screwed up. He came to heal and offer forgiveness.

So many times in the last few years I have asked him forgiveness and mercy. I still do not fully understand what was done wrong to bring me down to this place, but I have prayed often for him to erase that dark mark from my record. I am not defined by my past, or my mistakes, in his eyes I am defined by Christ.

Christ stands at the throne and says that I am bought and paid for. His healing and mercy is already done. 

Which brings us to ego. It is ego filled to beg God to relieve pain. It is a selfish act to believe that God will give us the desires of our heart if we believe. I will tell you that no amount of wanting something or begging God will move him. He moves when he desires to move. How he will respond is his job. I am still waiting, and I may wait years yet. I do think that when my wait comes to an end my witness will be powerful.

It could end today, right now the final pieces could fall into place and I could be freed from the bondage and dead weight in my life. It would be just as amazing, today as yesterday and as any day forward of this. When God moves the pain of waiting goes away. I experienced a small piece of this recently. I started getting nice clothes again and I felt a little better.

I'm hopeful. I'm not cautious about it at all because it has made me sick and hurting for the lack of what I long for. I can rely on the fact that all good things come from God. God put the hope in my heart, and he does not do things without reason. He desires for us to have hope and a future.

Of course on introspection I understand that I partially praise him because I need his help so badly. Because I ache for this pain to end, and for pleasure to begin again. I believe that God wills that I be filled to overflowing with his love and joy. He wants my life to be blessed to the point that I can only share it and share it. 

If today could be the day I would be exceedingly glad.

Let me live in today and not need another day forward of this to justify this one.

Give me hope but what's better fulfill the hope I have held on to.

Give me patience but also teach me the rewards of patience.

Give me wisdom but give me control over my mind and heart so that I may remain in you.

Give me humility to understand what I don't deserve, to understand what mistakes I make and correct them.

Give me pride to build confidence and love for myself and others.

Give me loyalty to hold on to those I love and always do right.

Give me bravery to face fear.

Give me honor that I might satisfy both the eyes of God and man.

Take out all anger that I might find peace.

Remove any nonproductive desires I might have.

Remove the enemies influence and thoughts.

Remove the enemies around me.

Be my defender, my hope, my friend.

Be my father, my teacher and mentor.

Teach me how to be like you and yet still be all that is me.

Above all shine your love into my life. As you have, as you always will. Hold me close to you and become a part of my daily walk.

Lord I beg for change. I beg with complete abandon to my pride that I need help. I need your move, your change that turns the tide of battle. I need you to be with me as you were with David and Moses. But also be with me like you have been with my parents. Lord please put me on the side of blessing others and not being so needy. I desire to look outwards, not inwards. Freedom lord, free me from this trapped place. You know how, you know when. You would not stir my heart right now if you didn't desire that I hold on.

CS Lewis mentioned in Screwtape Letters that the enemy wants us to give up just when God is about to move.

Every step may be the last one that hurts. It is insanity, if we really believed we were in it alone. I'm not alone and this isn't the same old same old. I've given up enough in my life. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan. If I can hold on to this that would be something else.

what is reliance?

What does it mean to rely on God?

I've been thinking about this. The other day my girlfriend said "I'd like to be a stay at home mom someday". Immediately, without any thought I said "Ask God about that, I have nothing to do with whether that is even possible."

That is the point I'm at. Rich person ideas like being a stay at home parent are distant dreams. In the way is trying to make enough to eat. Trying to keep a roof over my head. Keeping the cars running. These things are ambitious enough. I don't want to allow myself the luxury of thinking about wants as things I can chase. People in our income bracket shouldn't do that. You shouldn't think about building a swimming pool before you have a kitchen.

Being young I still have many of my dreams still present in my heart. They still speak loud. I listen to songs like "Land of Plenty" and "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" and I think about the dreams I'm trying to step back from. It's not that they aren't good dreams. It's that if they happen it will be by the grace of God. If they don't, then I stay on this path.

"Do not worry for tomorrow, what you will wear, or eat. Worry about the kingdom of heaven and God will take care of the rest." Paraphrase.

God desires we seek him out. He says to seek after him and he will take care of things. I'd like that to be true. So far I'm still waiting. I'm finding out that relying on something larger than yourself means coming to terms with what you are given. I've talked to many veterans who tell stories about being at the front and the shipments being mixed up. Sometimes the food you expected to receive is a crate of office supplies. So we endure, we wait and we hope that he will hear the prayers lifted up. Somewhere in my heart I still believe his promises are based on something solid. I believe that he will fulfill his promise.... I have no idea how. I wish I knew.

Impossible Forgiveness

So I had one of my typical anxiety nightmares last night. I was over at my parents talking to them about their situation, and Dad is going on about how great everything is. I just kept having this uneasy feeling about the whole thing. At some point I go back to his old office he had when I was a kid (his new office is in a different room), and I see that the computer is being controlled remotely. It turns out that he is involved in some kind of pyramid scheme. He's invested all their money in this scam...

Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.

I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.

----

So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.

I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.

But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.

The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.

So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.

I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.

These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.

2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.

3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.

4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.

5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.

That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.

Over 5000

At this point I must point out that I have recently reached 5000 views over the life of my blog. That's pretty amazing, with readers in almost every country with internet it amazes me how many people find time to check in on what I wrote. I seriously hope I'm building some kind of value into people's lives because it touches me that if only half of those sat down and read what I wrote that is more looks than most people get on their first novel. That's seriously impressive.

Now I'm not investing my time here because I need attention, it's about the art of writing and the process of honest communication with someone. I'm more interested that what I have to say is understandable and that others can relate than page views. The sad fact is that how many times I am viewed is the best metric I have so far. So, is there anything there should be more of on here? I would offer to do less of something but since most of my posts are to please myself that's unlikely to change.

A few more fun stats, for the last year or so I've been averaging 300 views a month, which means that 3000 of the current 5000 came from the last year. I still have a few posts that still trickle a few new views in every month, most notably Goodbye Letter to My Wife. That post alone has over 494 pageviews and it was posted in February 2012.

I'm trying really hard to have a real emotion about blogging right now, but frankly I don't know what to say. I don't know where I'm going next. I started this out wanting to be uplifting, but here I am the same as before. I'd love to talk to someone, but I can't right now. I've had less than ten responses to any of my posts and have yet to have a real conversation with any of you. I look at the over 250 posts I've made and wonder who was listening. If this spitting of my pain out did any good.

 Is there a future? Is there a hell? If there is then why does this hurt so much? How can there be a hell that is worse than Tulsa on a Sunday afternoon like every other before it? When you stare into the deep abyss and you stop trying to look at anything else. If you were here you'd see it. But then you'd be me, and I don't even think it would be worth the value of someone having empathy for my situation the bad karma I'd get from unleashing my life on another person. Another day, another breath, another bit of pain. One day at a time we swim closer to death and oblivion, which is the only hope there is in a forsaken city.

no one to talk about this shit with anymore

This isn't about that no one cares about me, seriously, that's not what is going on. My parents and girlfriend are wonderful people who care about me more than anyone should. Seriously.

I'm just so sick of not mattering. It's not a matter of not being treated well, everyone who can take care of me is TRYING to get me better. It's a matter of how God and the world treat me. I've asked, I've fucking BEGGED God to do something, anything to change things. Things haven't changed.

I'm playing a saturday night service running in the background, so if I quote it, it's from victory tulsa saturday night service... cool?

"God is not finished with me yet"

ok, where is the fucking evidence for that? Sometimes God must be finished with someone. How does he communicate that to us? Does he let us die? Maybe not. Maybe he just leaves us stranded waiting to die. Now let's look for scripture.

How is that? actual scriptural basis for this shit:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

There are SO many things in this that are contrary to my life in christ..... if you can call it life, it's more like the end of my fucking life.... as we wait for it, let's take this apart.
"I am sure of this"
The writer is so sure of what he is about to say. I can't imagine a level of God being there that suffices for me to be sure of his love. I am so far from seeing that. If there anything I can say for sure right now it is that I am not sure of what value or purpose God has in placing me in this place. He has shown how little value he has for me by completely allowing the enemy to have total hold over my life. In his eyes I cannot imagine me holding value.

"God will bless you because you are hated" PFFFT!

Let's try and bring this down to understandable terms. While I do this I admit that God's ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. If God so wills as to correct or instill better wisdom in me let that be the way it is.

Imagine there was a very very wealthy man. This is a man who has the resources to do whatever he wants, literally. This man buys two cars. One car is a limited edition rare sports car. He pays a high price at auction for this car. He values this car so much he puts his own personal time into fixing it up, he cleans it daily, he parks it in a temperature controlled garage and cherishes it as a true example of beauty.

Let's talk about the second car. This car has some miles on it, it's old, it's not looking that great. Well, he only bought it on a whim, and he's spending all this time and effort on the first car. He leaves the second car in the care of a servant known to be reckless. He lets that car get wrecked, and leaves it out on the lawn to the wind and the weather, the storms rust that car until it is not even recognizable as a car.

Which car does he value? Which car matters to the rich man? Does he have fucking plans for the second car, when he cares SO LITTLE that he lets all manner of damage happen to it? Which car do you think you are to God? If you go to church they want you to buy into that you are the first car. We can't all be a limited edition. We can't all be Martin Luther, JFK, Ghandi, or the Pope. Some of us probably don't matter.

So what? What now?

a few thoughts on materialism

Let me start out by saying that nothing intrinsically has value.

In this entire world I have not found anything that has a value that matters to everyone universally. It is a difficult trick to think this thought and support materialism.

I don't intend to attack or hurt persons who adhere to materialism so please take this as your note if you are easily offended, reading on absolves me of any guilt for hurting you. It should also be noted that since a person is not their beliefs I shouldn't be able to hurt people by attacking materialism, but you never know.

Materialism relies on material value to defend a lifestyle. It hinges on the belief that you can own objects or ideas which possess value. The ownership of such objects which I call "stuff" is considered to be pleasurable.

The thing is that stuff is hard to own. Can you really own something if it can be stolen? I'll bypass that and say that no matter how much you believe you own stuff things outside of you may correct that perception. If something is stolen or destroyed your objective value is destroyed as well. The burnt husk of your cigar does not have the value of an unlit one. You pay for the cigar, then most likely you pay to dispose of it. Imagine if anything else was like that. You don't have to. The current average selling price of a car in the United States is around thirty two thousand dollars. In the past one hundred years we have learned that the average price an american gets back for their car when they get rid of it is what it is worth for scrap. Right now that is a few hundred dollars.

Where did that value go? It just stopped existing. The only place I can guess it went was time and services provided by the car.
This is where things get really weird in that you trade your time and service so you can afford to buy this stuff. So every day you get up and go to work you exchange time (a limited and precious commodity) for money (a limitless commodity). You cannot eat, drink, sleep on or receive any direct service or benefit from money. If the backing of the dollar failed tomorrow things in this country would become quite different.

Which brings to the conclusion: Possession of goods is only a proof of the ability to hold on to something. This is why the concept of digital piracy is so very silly. Inflation would be a sillier concept if it didn't ruin life for so many people.

that's what I want

So, I was digging deeply into my subconscious as I often do while alone and I found this song.
It interests me more that I had buried this under piles of memories. Has it been sitting there for years and in subtle ways changed decisions I made? Perhaps.
Hold on------
From the beginning of writing time:
I just saw a commercial for Christian Mingle: the man said, "I believe God can use any tool to bring the woman I'm supposed to be with."
Can I ever understate the heavy handed message this is. This is part of how the rich Christians who run the country (perhaps defacto if not so clearly) control of the poor Christians who believe them. Christianity as a rule system and organization is often depicted as a rational for keeping power in the hands of those who have it. Christian mingle isn't helping. For one thing the whole concept of a woman I am supposed to be with is morally repellent to me. So far my score for women I have loved being me vs marrying other men (often carrying their children) is at least 5 for married and 1 for me. If I were to chart my hormonal and romantic excitement disturbingly the ones that were worst for me were far more exciting.
So that's the first problem I have.

 The second is that God is going to use fucking Christian Mingle to bring me a woman........ God has about as much interest in providing me women as he does providing me beer and smokes. He likes to keep me happy by allowing such wonderful things to exist, but for various reasons I doubt he personally makes these things exist. The actual objective benefits of the vices of sex, smoking and drinking are not completely accepted in the psychological community. For various reasons most experiments on these things end up being highly biased. No, I don't have sources, screw that I'm on vacation.

just dreaming?

I think it's only fair after the posts I put up last night to talk about the dreams I had last night. I am a big believer in the importance of dreams. Of course they aren't all important, some are just stress reactions, or digesting stuff mentally you couldn't while awake.

I sense and I hope this is not like that.

So the dream is this:
I dreamed I was going on a long journey by plane, to somewhere far away (on the other side of the world). I dreamed about getting on the plain, and it's snowing. I remember being weirded out that they were still flying because it was snowing hard. Still the flight went totally smoothly, and was over so quickly. So I get off the plane and it's snowing where we landed too. This is really weird to me because I was traveling from america to somewhere tropical. I ask why it's snowing and the explanation is that it was just the first of quite a few trips. You don't fly around the world in a few hours, there is at least one over 8 hour flight.

That's it.

So waking up this felt hugely metaphorical. I found the whole journey metaphor very effective to compare to my life. I'd like to hope that we are getting nearer to a change in the journey, to arrive somewhere. I'd love to see success in spite of the overwhelming opposition.

Not yet, but perhaps soon. With the favor and blessing of God much is possible. I'm told all things are possible, but hearing isn't experiencing.

thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

aint it grand (music hall delights!)

So if you have been reading thus far you know I've been doing some amateur research on old music. I had discovered that quite a few  gems of my developing years were actually covers of turn of the century music hall tunes. Music hall is kind of like vaudeville. It's an important step in the development of the modern entertainment world, and there is sparse data on both. Some of the covers might be obscure, and of course coming across them on my budget is an even bigger stretch.

Here is one that I discovered in a classic rock collection that turns out to be a cover of music hall.


Oh Mr Porter turns out to be about a loose woman, but Herman's Hermits altered it to be about them.... which is totally natural.

Here is the latest version of my favorite music hall song: Proper cup of coffee




Now I could work a bit harder and try to find Henry the 8th (an original music hall recording) but so far I am yet to be satisfied in this area.

I have of course been building up to my favorite find of the day, and that is "Ain't it grand to be bloomin well dead". It hits all the great buttons. It's morbid, funny, obscure and British.

So without further ado, here it is:



With Lyrics:
AIN'T IT GRAND, TO BE BLOOMIN' WELL DEAD!
by (Trad) arranged by Leslie Sarony
Lately there's nothing but trouble, grief and strife
There's not much attraction about this bloomin' life
Last night I dreamt I was bloomin' well dead
As I went to the funeral, I bloomin' well said,
Look at the flowers, bloomin' great orchids
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at the corfin, bloomin' great 'andles
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

I was so 'appy to think that I'd popped off
I said to a bloke with a nasty, 'acking cough
Look at the black 'earse, bloomin' great 'orses
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the bearers, all in their frock coats
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at their top 'ats, polished with Guiness
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

Some people there were praying for me soul
I said, 'It's the first time I've been off the dole'
Look at the mourners, bloomin' well sozzled
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the children, bloomin' excited
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the neighbours, bloomin' delighted
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

'Spend the insurance', I murmered, 'for alack
'You know I shan't be with you going back.'
Look at the Missus, bloomin' well laughing
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at me Sister, bloomin new 'at on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at me Brother, bloomin' cigar on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

We come from clay and we all go back they say
Don't 'eave a brick it may be your Aunty May
Look at me Grandma, bloomin' great haybag
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

The lyrics were provided by a pretty cool site:
http://www.trasksdad.com/MusicHall/

Not only do they have lyrics to many hard to find songs, they also have many of the songs themselves playable from the site. Now if I know the internet this wonderful thing won't last, so won't you please cruise by and give them some traffic, maybe some encouragement to continue. This is pop art people, and this history is disappearing faster than it can be preserved.

There, that's my pitch. Go help the arts, it's pretty much the only beautiful thing left in the world and the workers in it are often unpaid and unappreciated.

In other news I had a nice meeting with my mentor today, and saw my former mentor as well.... everyone is praying for me, per usual. Interesting side note that a girl overheard my conversation and slipped a note in my pocket saying God is fighting for me.... sweet thought. I'd love to see it. For now the night wears on and I want to go enjoy it. More later!

Scars

It's been a really long time since I talked about my emotional state over the past. There is of course a reason for this. I don't like to dwell on it. I'm 26 now and frankly trying to put parts of my life behind me. The truth however is more complicated. The truth is I will likely always carry the scars of my trials over the past few years.

Emotional scars remain unseen. You can't see the way every time I see a woman with a similar build or similar face to my ex wife I shy away. This happens with alarming frequency. Every time this happens it brings back my mistakes. I have to deal with the fact that I screwed up. This woman left a mark that can't be removed, and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I loved her with all I was able to, and I believed that we would be together when we are old. Now the only way that will happen is an act of God (or some other supernatural phenomena).

In addition to these issues every time I see one of her dopplegangers (because we know it's unlikely that they ALL are her), it makes me think about what makes something a mistake. I truly loved her, and had faith in her. She betrayed that. I know that I had flaws too (if I hadn't I wouldn't have gotten married because I would have been secure as is), but my point is: What makes me so sure I'm not making mistakes now?

I'm committed to a college degree. A few years down the line will I be regretting this?

I'm getting more serious about loving my girlfriend, can we hold on to what we have?

As I get more comfortable with the woman I love I find myself saying things that speak of things lasting forever. This morning we were watching an old couple and I imagined me and her together when we are old. If you have never been divorced this would be totally sweet and amazing (it still is). The thing is that in the background of my mind I look down at my scars. I see were God and my parents have fought to keep me alive. I see the years of abuse I took because I thought I deserved it. I see the pain of lonelyness after losing the woman I had planned to make forever with.

I see my stability slip away, and the scary thing is I want it. I see that I am betting a part of my emotional health on an unknown, on a woman. It occurs to me that I'm no longer a child, I am a man and expected to know what I'm doing. The flipside is that I'm only working with the data I have gathered thus far. I am unlikely to ever be completely informed.

You can't see the future, no one knows what is around the corner. I look at my scars and I see two stories. One is of the failure that caused them. Of the sin, the decadence, the arrogance and the hubris the story of whee I lost so much. The second story is how I lived. From the wreck of my divorce, depression and disaster following disaster I have survived. Some part of me still hopes there is life on the other side of all this. That part speaks loud today. So what if bad stuff happens? Worrying about it won't make me feel better. I'm as prepared as I can be, and that's enough for now.

pre-emptive panic attack

So I figured I'd document what the average panic attack morning is like for me. I'm documenting an internal process for which I recieve no help, sympathy, or treatment. This is the PRIMARY reason my life is screwed up right now.

My average day starts when I wake up with the sun and nightmares. I try to roll back over and calm myself, this NEVER works. Eventually I give up trying to make myself feel better with sleep and get up. Usually attack it again with a drink (coffee or water) and cartoons. Not this morning.... This morning I got my new coat. I got up, started some cider (because my coffee pot is in the wash), changed a tire, packed my bag and drove downtown. To discover that my tablet was at half charge and my phone discharged.... great.

Got breakfast at QT. Drank a can of cold coffee, had intenstinal distress, tried to read and daydream, to no avail. Walked up to Biology, and here I sit. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I freak out and run away. I know it won't solve anything. I also know there is a fair chance he'll spring a pop quiz on us.... and pretend this helps us. Fucking jerk. Oh well, an hour and a half and I'm free....... it's weird the things that comfort me.....

When I'm paranoid about someone following me I generally remind myself that if they are I can always kill them, that's probably not healthy.

On the questionable purpose of money

So I wanted to post yesterday, but a long panic attack combined with being furiously busy prevented me from having enough time to finish a thought. Needless to say, I am deeply depressed about the whole thing.

I guess what I want to address today is the questionable purpose of money to a poor person. Now I have many nice things, but for the purpose of today's exercise we will call me "poor", if I may exercise the privilege

At present I have enough money to make it another two months. I'm sure this sounds quite relaxing.... but in actual fact I have no idea what I really have money for.

My parents have been helping with health and food items. Which is of course a blessing.

The thing is that I am at times a compulsive shopper. Sometimes I buy things to try and create a feeling of well being in myself.

Sometimes I work on things to make me feel relevant..... it's a compulsion..... I'm related to quite a few addicts, alcoholics, work a holics, a few stress a holics and even a few bona-fide druggies (I fit in at LEAST one of those).

Anyway, my current flavor of the month escape fantasy is working on my coat I'm getting for my birthday (even though I turned 26 over a month ago, shipping is slow). Correction, shipping isn't slow, I'm slow to get around to things. It took two months to get my dishwasher repaired (and it is! Pictures to follow). The coat I have wanted for some time is a wool trench coat. I think it started in high school. Somewhere along the line I became semi obsessed with ex military clothing. Part of the blame for that goes to boy scouts..... I would have joined the military just for the outfits..... but that's another story.

From the start I have wanted to personalize it.... trick it out. Clothing for me is like cars for most men... is it any wonder my friends question my sexuality (though what sex has to do with nifty outfits I'll never know).

So I have been agonizing over what I want to do and what I can do. Money is, as I already stated, tight. However things that give me pure joy sometimes manage to slipjaw past the thrifty part of my brain. In Freudian terms my superego has a softspot for my ID when my pain threshold reaches a certain point.

Which kind of says it all. The real utility of money is to accomplish things. What we will accomplish with it is yet to be seen.

Dangerous line of thought

I wrote the first part of this on 3/5, the narrative and second bit on 3/6
------------------
So last night I was thinking (obviously, lots of good writing done yesterday).

I was kind of mulling over my life, as I have been for the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy. So the question is how to be happy.

I don't mean bad things never happen, that's an unrealistic goal. The goal is a general state of contentment that leads to an overall sense of joy in my existence. So, what makes me happy.... short list:

Girlfriend
Intoxication
Writing
Video Games
Dog (and cat)
helping people

I think I've made a pretty good attempt to help people for a living. The general process to get to help people is tons of school which educates the person in everything except of course the job they are doing. It's abnormally hateful and awful.

---------
*written narrative* At this point the teacher decided to spring a pop quiz on the already tired and quite irritated Max. Following a 10 minute break in which Max called his mother and questioned the utility of school in the first place, the professor subjected the class to a lab quiz. Having answered the questions to the best of his ability, Max attempted to wait for the professor to reach the point. Professor was unable before Max went into a long panic attack about the general state of his studies. The professor seemed to take joy in announcing to the class that it would be a long class. Max considers suicide.... goes home, kisses girlfriend, gets laundry, meets up with Nikki..... goes back home...... washes dishes, makes dinner..... goes to bed.

We continue on the next day.
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Oh, forgot to mention the nightmares in the narrative. I dreamed I was living out a dead space game, which generally illustrates the terror my life has acquired. I had another dream that I kept showing up in bathrooms but the toilets instead of disposing of feces were spewing more of it out.

I hope that captures well the terror that I have living in my situation. I now live in an upside down world in which toilets work the exact wrong way. Toilets could symbolize people, systems, work, take your pick. Regardless it is a huge anxiety when what was supposed to dispose of the unwanted instead deposits more of it in your life.....

Life goes on.
I'm trying to get around to saying I want to do something more fulfilling. Something meaningful perhaps. So far I know I want to write and create, but I have to pay the bills. I'm wondering if there is something less agonizingly stupid than medical education.

We'll see.

Musical Fun!

The sun has set on that awful day (don't remind me of the day!) It's now evening in the city of shiny lights and tired people.

We march out of our diligence and our work and become at ease. Yes even in civilian life we are often held to our high efficiency standard. It's a man's life... whatever that means.

Now with our vices of choice, and comforts of choice we delight in at least one moment of decent happiness. Even in the darkest night a light can still shine!

So I just stumbled upon some musical fun. This may be highly personal of my childhood, but I ended up tied to some pretty strange music from the early years of my life. One of the bands I was innately familiar of through my early years was called Trout Fishing in America. They did so many fun and funny songs. Also because I listened to them for so long it was like they were friends. Actually at that age a bit better than friends in that they were always there for me.

So I was searching for one of the songs, and came across this:

This is of course a much OLDER version of the song I grew up with, and something about it charmed the socks off of me. I liked this song a little when I was growing up, but I loved this so much as well. I mean this is a pressed moment of history. That voice sounds like something right out of a world war 2 broadcast.

Here is the version I grew up with



I of course cannot comment on the actual video. I think some young fans had some fun making a fan video. Yeehaw next generation!
So then I went to another old standard, the proper cup of coffee song:



Then I thought "wouldn't it be funny if there was an older version of this song?

So I poked the internet about twice and out it spat THE ANDREWS SISTERS! Sorry, excited.



Yes, these things exist!
They are also terribly pleasing to me, hopefully so to you.
Now I've gotten all sanguine. Missing my boys. You know it was the most meaningful fun work I've ever done or ever will do. Why can't anything stay easy? I used to sing to them, I was so happy. A simple man in charge of his environment, are there any greater joys? Free food...... Oh God I would have stayed there forever had things been stable and serene. I had a place, a function, and love, so much love. I mattered in the greatest sense I think I ever have.

Does God Show Up?

I thought it might interest some of my readers that I searched this term before beginning to write. What I found in the end was the same dreck I've been wading through for months.

First come those who are certain. There are many articles about how faithful God is, how he loves us, which I have spent countless pages explaining is little comfort to those of us still waiting. Then there are those that have given up on God, who are trying to pull down everyone they can to complain how God didn't do whatever for them.

Both miss the mark for me.

I don't ask this question because I don't know who God is or what he is capable of. Take note of the word capable, we'll come back to that. I don't have any doubt that there is a God, or that he loves me. I doubt what's going to happen next, because no one can tell me anything useful. It seems much the purpose of most of the drivel that comes out when people talk about the walk of faith to fill your mind with stupor so that you must say "it's too big for me to understand, let God work this out". Which of course spits intellectual seekers of the faith right out.

The other side holds no appeal either. I do not desire to be a quitter. The pure science approach doesn't work because in science there is no hope for the poor and the hopeless. Life simply goes on. In this approach good and bad don't happen for any reason.

I want to talk more about the word capable. How do I know God is capable? He has been before and he doesn't change. I will say right now that means exactly squat when you are hurting. Knowing there are firemen and that they have hoses makes no difference when your house is burning down. I have seen him in other's lives. I have even on some occasions seen him work in my life. What I wouldn't give to see that now and in response to my living needs and prayers.

I had a moment last night to mourn the passing away of my previous hopes and dreams. Again I came back to wondering where God is. For so long I could not imagine how I could stop seeking and stop believing that certain things would happen. I believed so fervently that God would answer my prayer. Yet, here I am, poor and hopeless, with about as much chance of seeing my dream as I do of being given a new car. In these times as those dreams begin to drift away like a ship in the wind, never to return.



It's not impossible for God to show up. Not even a little bit. I will say even more that God is even more capable when my pride is down. In fact almost anything he might do in my life would be an improvement.

I do not see him, and that doesn't mean he's not there. I'm waiting for the day to post how God showed up and kicked butt in my life. Nothing short of my dreams rising again from the dead would make me as happy as being able to write about the abundant and everlasting blessings God brings to my life. May what I describe now in the abstract become the real, and may the pain I feel now become abstract and foreign to me.

Today's thought

All the action is on the inside you see.
On the outside I am quiet, cool, collected. On the outside I will give you the simple answer and try to make you happy.
On the inside there is war, there is chaos. There is little peace, little hope and little is certain.
You'll never know, because you wanted the simple.
You chose peace over love, and you chose to stand by instead of help.
Meanwhile, life goes on.

The Journey: Here I stand.

Here I stand at a dead end in my path.
I've deduced every clue and extracted all the data from my journey so far.
I've checked all the maps, read all the books.
I've studied at the feet of many men who have crossed through this area before.
Yet here I am wondering what I missed. What sign have I missed?
Did I take a wrong turn?
Where was the clear path I thought I had?
Where is my guide? Where is the one I believed would show me the way?
I stand in the wildnerness with no road forward.
The path behind me lies torn apart for clues as to where I'm going. I knew where I was going back then, what happened to that certainty?
Was I uneducated as to the risks?
Did I not prepare?
How did I get so lost?
Here I stand. The bible says that when you have done all you can to fight you should stand. So I'm standing today with nowhere to go. No future to hope in. No community to give me stability. There are no traditions that can give me a place and a function. There is no woman who can make it make sense. There's no book and no man who can tell you answers.
From here I have no vantage, and all I see and believe may be proven wrong with the next step. Moving forward where I think it's safe may be even be more deadly than stepping at random.
Nonsense, all is nonsense and screaming against the white void that is infinity. Through meaningless times to meaningless purpose we toil and rage against the pure indifference of heaven. The fecklessness of the wise and the wisdom of the fools. The wonder of power and the powerlessness of wealth. Accept it or not, there's no way forward, no way out. May some wiser guide lead me out of this place. The best way to let help find me is to stand still.
I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I know exactly who I am. I'm no different than anyone else. Some think they know where they are going, some don't. Are we going somewhere? I think it's only clear from a higher vantage point.
If there is a way out God will provide it.
If there's a future at all it will be by the grace of God we see it.
I certainly don't have a clue