no one to talk about this shit with anymore

This isn't about that no one cares about me, seriously, that's not what is going on. My parents and girlfriend are wonderful people who care about me more than anyone should. Seriously.

I'm just so sick of not mattering. It's not a matter of not being treated well, everyone who can take care of me is TRYING to get me better. It's a matter of how God and the world treat me. I've asked, I've fucking BEGGED God to do something, anything to change things. Things haven't changed.

I'm playing a saturday night service running in the background, so if I quote it, it's from victory tulsa saturday night service... cool?

"God is not finished with me yet"

ok, where is the fucking evidence for that? Sometimes God must be finished with someone. How does he communicate that to us? Does he let us die? Maybe not. Maybe he just leaves us stranded waiting to die. Now let's look for scripture.

How is that? actual scriptural basis for this shit:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

There are SO many things in this that are contrary to my life in christ..... if you can call it life, it's more like the end of my fucking life.... as we wait for it, let's take this apart.
"I am sure of this"
The writer is so sure of what he is about to say. I can't imagine a level of God being there that suffices for me to be sure of his love. I am so far from seeing that. If there anything I can say for sure right now it is that I am not sure of what value or purpose God has in placing me in this place. He has shown how little value he has for me by completely allowing the enemy to have total hold over my life. In his eyes I cannot imagine me holding value.

"God will bless you because you are hated" PFFFT!

Let's try and bring this down to understandable terms. While I do this I admit that God's ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. If God so wills as to correct or instill better wisdom in me let that be the way it is.

Imagine there was a very very wealthy man. This is a man who has the resources to do whatever he wants, literally. This man buys two cars. One car is a limited edition rare sports car. He pays a high price at auction for this car. He values this car so much he puts his own personal time into fixing it up, he cleans it daily, he parks it in a temperature controlled garage and cherishes it as a true example of beauty.

Let's talk about the second car. This car has some miles on it, it's old, it's not looking that great. Well, he only bought it on a whim, and he's spending all this time and effort on the first car. He leaves the second car in the care of a servant known to be reckless. He lets that car get wrecked, and leaves it out on the lawn to the wind and the weather, the storms rust that car until it is not even recognizable as a car.

Which car does he value? Which car matters to the rich man? Does he have fucking plans for the second car, when he cares SO LITTLE that he lets all manner of damage happen to it? Which car do you think you are to God? If you go to church they want you to buy into that you are the first car. We can't all be a limited edition. We can't all be Martin Luther, JFK, Ghandi, or the Pope. Some of us probably don't matter.

So what? What now?

thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

Optimism is a cancer, Hope is poison, and this crappy world isn't worth the effort to draw F***ing breath

I'm seriously depressed, pissed, and tired of trying to pretend any of this shit is going to be better. As I said aptly earlier it's not that I don't have friends or those that love me, it's that they are way outnumbered by everything that is set to break me down. Pray for me if you think that will work. Hopefully God will pull me back from the brink, I'll let you know. More likely I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. This is killing empathy for me.

I watch the "horrible" news, people are dead, politics is crap, people that try hard fail and are murdered. My thoughts generally? Fucking suck it up. There's no hope for the future, death is a sure thing, and frankly the only fucking blessing there is for the poor. If you're christian it's the only way you'll ever get to fucking choose where you live, what you eat, or to be healthy or happy. So hats off to death, the best plan our leaders have for poor people. Maybe we should have babies and sell them to the rich, I mean, if there's money in it why the fuck not? Why not expand prostitution? I mean no matter what you do in this shithole you're sucking corperate dick. I've gotten over my gag reflex over that, or doing unethical behaviour for a paycheck, why not just be a total whore? Makes a man wish he was a woman, there are options....