Eyes upward balancing ego and humility

Almost every conversation I begin with God begins with the legalistic reminder that I give myself that he knows better.

"Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts."

So even as I ask for his help in doing what I think is right I have to admit I may not be headed in the right direction. The bible frequently makes statements about being humble. In the Catholic practice it is one of the seven virtues (to contrast the seven deadly sins). Being a younger man I have to admit this is at times the most difficult part about following God. I'm not alone. The scripture provides examples of how we should act along with how those same good people had issues with pride and selfishness. 

The scripture says that Jesus himself named as the second greatest commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself." I've brought this up in therapy several times. It's my interpretation that you have to love yourself to love your neighbor. It's a balancing act. Pride usually becomes interpreted as vanity when it is at the expense of others. Greed isn't perceived sinful until it takes food from the hungry. If everyone had enough to eat and a place to live I doubt we would have the deep divide in our nation between those whom have what they need (and what they want as well), and those who do not have what they need. It bothers something in us.

Today I'm working on laying my pain down as an offering. I see some light that God has revealed where I was broken, and I am closer to healing. This remains a struggle, but I think God is leading me out. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me." These are the words of David who knew better than anyone what it meant to lose and lose and lose, yet God stayed with him. He was delivered by God.

I can't really swallow that God only wants to deliver a few. It doesn't follow that God would love a select few enough for his direct movement. "For God so Loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that all might have life and have it everlasting"

"Romans 2:11 For God does not show favoritism."

He's not looking to create a 1% super loving fanbase. He wants all of us.

Christ said "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance"

He came for the broken, for the screwed up. He came to heal and offer forgiveness.

So many times in the last few years I have asked him forgiveness and mercy. I still do not fully understand what was done wrong to bring me down to this place, but I have prayed often for him to erase that dark mark from my record. I am not defined by my past, or my mistakes, in his eyes I am defined by Christ.

Christ stands at the throne and says that I am bought and paid for. His healing and mercy is already done. 

Which brings us to ego. It is ego filled to beg God to relieve pain. It is a selfish act to believe that God will give us the desires of our heart if we believe. I will tell you that no amount of wanting something or begging God will move him. He moves when he desires to move. How he will respond is his job. I am still waiting, and I may wait years yet. I do think that when my wait comes to an end my witness will be powerful.

It could end today, right now the final pieces could fall into place and I could be freed from the bondage and dead weight in my life. It would be just as amazing, today as yesterday and as any day forward of this. When God moves the pain of waiting goes away. I experienced a small piece of this recently. I started getting nice clothes again and I felt a little better.

I'm hopeful. I'm not cautious about it at all because it has made me sick and hurting for the lack of what I long for. I can rely on the fact that all good things come from God. God put the hope in my heart, and he does not do things without reason. He desires for us to have hope and a future.

Of course on introspection I understand that I partially praise him because I need his help so badly. Because I ache for this pain to end, and for pleasure to begin again. I believe that God wills that I be filled to overflowing with his love and joy. He wants my life to be blessed to the point that I can only share it and share it. 

If today could be the day I would be exceedingly glad.

Let me live in today and not need another day forward of this to justify this one.

Give me hope but what's better fulfill the hope I have held on to.

Give me patience but also teach me the rewards of patience.

Give me wisdom but give me control over my mind and heart so that I may remain in you.

Give me humility to understand what I don't deserve, to understand what mistakes I make and correct them.

Give me pride to build confidence and love for myself and others.

Give me loyalty to hold on to those I love and always do right.

Give me bravery to face fear.

Give me honor that I might satisfy both the eyes of God and man.

Take out all anger that I might find peace.

Remove any nonproductive desires I might have.

Remove the enemies influence and thoughts.

Remove the enemies around me.

Be my defender, my hope, my friend.

Be my father, my teacher and mentor.

Teach me how to be like you and yet still be all that is me.

Above all shine your love into my life. As you have, as you always will. Hold me close to you and become a part of my daily walk.

Lord I beg for change. I beg with complete abandon to my pride that I need help. I need your move, your change that turns the tide of battle. I need you to be with me as you were with David and Moses. But also be with me like you have been with my parents. Lord please put me on the side of blessing others and not being so needy. I desire to look outwards, not inwards. Freedom lord, free me from this trapped place. You know how, you know when. You would not stir my heart right now if you didn't desire that I hold on.

CS Lewis mentioned in Screwtape Letters that the enemy wants us to give up just when God is about to move.

Every step may be the last one that hurts. It is insanity, if we really believed we were in it alone. I'm not alone and this isn't the same old same old. I've given up enough in my life. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan. If I can hold on to this that would be something else.

nothing compares

So very close, so very very close to liberation.
Because you see that is the very essence of my current position. Precariously perched on the brink of seeing what I have longed for so many dark nights. Bursting forth like glorious light. I can almost taste it. I can smell it. I feel it deep down and all around me. The change is undeniable. The hope that is more than hope. So much shorter of a time before waiting for tomorrow will be living for today. Dreams become real, and reality becomes a dream. Soon, the time is measured in heartbeats, and it can only be a handful until it is here. Then what? Then like a great awhoom the joyful noise will surround and the arduous silence will be ended. The metaphysical was the more real this whole time, can you imagine that?

You will get through

I'm going to tell you everything your heart is longing to hear, and I am going to back up every last word of it.

It's going to get better, and things will change. Think life is bad now? Imagine being one of the allies in world war two, I bet lots of people thought FDR was in over his head. I mean, a two ocean war? That's insane. Fighting on two fronts is in fact what broke the German war machine. My point, however, is that it changed. He had the courage to say "suck it Hitler, you aren't going to win." This is when the most powerful empire in the world had essentially let Hitler acquire all the power he could need to take over the world.

God sent FDR a Patton. He sent FDR a man who would never quit. Those two men change the world. So what are you worried about?

Is it love you long for with all you have? God has some to spare and you may find that you are perfectly wonderful on your own, if you didn't already know. Don't seek it as a purpose, trust me I've done it. It didn't work. I have someone very sweet and nice now because I understand her place in my life.

Is it money or power you want? Look, you don't want money or power because of those things themselves, you love what they promise you. You probably desire security, safety, and freedom. I can say that most of the paths to getting money or power generally rob you of your security, your safety, your freedom and even your good mental health. Money is a horrible boss. It only wants to make more of itself. It's like a big swarm of cockroaches, eating at our feelings and giving not enough in return.

Now even cockroaches have their place. For example, if you are raising a prey eating animal they are great protein. Insects and other small critters form a basis of a good diet for bigger things. 

If you still don't understand how much more valuable you are to God and to everyone else as compared to money do this for me:
Go get some money out of your wallet. Even a dollar will work because we can all agree that money is money no matter what denomination, correct?
Now set it on the table.  I want you to make a plan to never touch that dollar on the table there. Let it lay there, we're doing an experiment.

Leave the money there for as long as it takes for it to bring one good or redeeming thing into your life. You will wait a lifetime because money on it's own is really just paper. You are worshiping stuff that comes out of trees! How nutty is that?

No matter how bad things are- and believe me I know they are bad- they can and they will get better. Simply as a matter of course you know that after winter comes spring, right? So don't you know that seasons of contentment and good are out there to be lived after the seasons of pain. You wouldn't be in pain if you didn't have some sense that life should be or could be better. Remember that! You believe in you because if you didn't you would not feel pain when things are less than your hopes. Don't get down in the muck and don't quit. There are two types of people when it comes to winning, there are the courageous and the fearful. The fearful man says "ooo scary I think I might well faint dead away if it doesn't get better. Geez I wish someone else would protect me and keep me safe from harm.

Now if you are afraid there's nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong if you can't accept help. The help you receive will equip you to fight your battles. No one will forever fight your battles for you. Sooner or later you have to take up your own cross despite (or perhaps because of) God's love for you.

A courageous man feels fear. He sees his fear as what it really is, a bag of hot air and lies most of the time. He pushes on. Even when life knocks him down he gets up and fights again.

You have courage, and you have wisdom and you have the strength. I know you do, because frankly you are beautiful and wonderful. God made you that way, and he makes no useless people.  He is fervently rooting for you, even if you never want a relationship with him, he will love on you and bless you. I just think that getting to know him makes understanding easier. So if you want to know why you are blessed and what you can do to get out of a tight spot, lay your trust on the Lord.

No such thing as an idle prayer

no such thing as a worthless life

no such thing as so dark it can shut out the light

he will come and redeem you

he loves you more than you know

there are dreams you will aspire to

times you will desire to lay down your head and quit

but that's not the end of it

you're alive

you're okay

you made it to the end of the day

you  did fine

you tried your best

now let go, let God take the rest

he brings peace

he brings hope

when you're lost in the wilderness he brings you hope

you are not unworthy

you are not a failure

you are not worthless

his love for you is endless

he says you are lovable,

he says you are usable

he says you are irreplaceable, 

how can such a love be?
we can never understand the glory he hold in his hand

we fall so short of his amazing love

Which is when he reminds us he already paid the price

for freedom with his sacrifice

he already broke the chains

and no one can force them on

Out of the darkness I scream these truths for all with ears to hear.

I will not give up
I will choose doubt over hope
though I doubt yet my faith will strengthen
I will not listen to people who complain about the impossible,
Who ever profited by looking at what can't be done?
I concern myself with what can be done.
I trust with all my heart in the only one who can save me, and the only one who will
I will love my fellow man, even when it's hard
I choose life, I choose to fight back against fear, and foolish behavior
I seek wisdom, I seek peace, and I seek purpose
Above all else I seek God, because who other than him could give me those three things?
I may wrestle with him, I may have my bad days, but he is faithful, and he does love me. His love is so great he sticks around even when I hurt him. He loves me despite the fact that sometimes watching my struggles must be painful to him. Yet though these things cause him pain he sees the wide view. He knows the purpose for these tests. He knows what I need to learn and because I have asked him I will receive it (or have) and will move on.
I choose thankfulness. I'm thankful for my family and friends. They are reliable and caring when the whole world seems against me. I am thankful for what small comforts I can find in this place. I'm grateful for this peace that consumes me right now. I'm grateful for the fact that joy comes in the morning. I'm so amazingly thankful that this season WILL come to a complete end. I am so very thankful that his timing will be perfect. I believe good days are right around the corner. I believe a better life is something I can reach for. So long as I can dream, so long as I can love, and so long as I can think I am riding this roller coaster of life for every thrill and amazing thing it has.
I am more secure in who I am and what I am today than I have been in my entire life. Though I may present as a mess, I'm a beautiful mess to me, and to God. He doesn't count the hurts, he counts the blessings, and he counts the times I have said yes to him. The times I have managed to be faithful. As for my problems, he will remove those he has planned to remove, and he will use the rest to remind me to love others. I didn't know what it was like to love with such reckless abandon until I reached a point that love was the greatest gift I had.
This is where I am, this is where I have been, and this is where I'm going. I'm not done yet, oh no! My best days are right in front of me. I will find joy in the midst of pain, and purpose in the midst of disaster. These things must sound so silly to those that haven't seen. Well don't just take my word for it, ask him to redeem your life, to make your scars speak of fighting for right.
Goodnight beautiful people, I hope I can bless some of you tomorrow!

A daily affirmation

I was well inspired tonight to write a daily affirmation to repeat as often as needed to remind me of who I am, and who God is. Essentially as I understand it I am falling back on the tradition that has been passed down through the centuries of repeated creeds or prayers. I think that it is actually an advanced stage when you can say you know certain things to be true and repeat them. Let us test these truths, because a truth that doesn't stand the light of day is not the full truth. I have read the available creeds Christianity has come up with, and the repeated prayers. They are good, but they don't dig deep and inspire you. I need inspiration, I need something I can say and feel bold and strong. I need something that wells up faith in me.


Maybe you need such a thing. Here is mine if you need it.

Daily Affirmation
By Max Malcolm, with the grace of God as primary source
Today I am blessed; All good things come from God
He has guided my steps; He has listened to my prayers
He has honored my service, He is my assurance, my source, my father and best friend
He loves me more than I can ever understand
He established me in strength and wisdom
He desires to liberate the oppressed, He desires to comfort the broken, He desires to take care of the poor
I am blessed to be his servant and tool, He blesses me so that I might bless others
He takes what seed I plant and returns an abundant harvest
He is my rock, my foundation, Without him I am nothing
Through him I am strong, Through him I have victory
He will always remember me
He will guide me and take care of me so long as I trust him
He is bigger than any other thing in this universe
He is the source of every good thing, through him all things were made
He has a plan, there are no useless people. Everything and everyone has their purpose.
He created the seasons, some for each purpose
He will give us our needs and desires if we first seek him, In all things he comes first
So long as he guides me I can never be lost. You aren't lost so long as you know where you are going
Today I lift my head to him, thank him for the wonderful things he has provided to me, to the wonderful opportunities he has given me, and those he will still give me yet. I take every breath into my mouth as a blessing, all nourishment, comfort and peace come from him. I will praise him in seasons of testing because by testing and trials he has made me strong. He wastes nothing! Indeed he makes good out of bad. What the dark forces try to spin for destruction he uses for creation. The greatest gift he gave us, his son, died on a cross for my sins, while I was still a sinner. Even though I am just a person, God loved me enough to make this sacrifice.  The Lord will provide. In the name of our lord Jesus, who is established in power and authority, Amen.

I humbly recommend printing it out and placing it in places your eye will catch it while you are in pain. Also in a place you can look at it when you wake up and when you lay down to sleep.

Words have power, because words are how we walk. We walk in faith by words, we can use words to build up or tear down. We must use this power wisely, and remember that the power of our faith is rooted in the one who grants favor and blessing. Faith and hope are useless unless you have something (someONE) to believe in. As for me and my household we will wait upon the Lord.

Rain is finally coming here (because he DOES make rain), so I too must sleep. God bless you readers, may he make his light to shine on you and lift you up on wings like eagles.