Scars

It's been a really long time since I talked about my emotional state over the past. There is of course a reason for this. I don't like to dwell on it. I'm 26 now and frankly trying to put parts of my life behind me. The truth however is more complicated. The truth is I will likely always carry the scars of my trials over the past few years.

Emotional scars remain unseen. You can't see the way every time I see a woman with a similar build or similar face to my ex wife I shy away. This happens with alarming frequency. Every time this happens it brings back my mistakes. I have to deal with the fact that I screwed up. This woman left a mark that can't be removed, and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I loved her with all I was able to, and I believed that we would be together when we are old. Now the only way that will happen is an act of God (or some other supernatural phenomena).

In addition to these issues every time I see one of her dopplegangers (because we know it's unlikely that they ALL are her), it makes me think about what makes something a mistake. I truly loved her, and had faith in her. She betrayed that. I know that I had flaws too (if I hadn't I wouldn't have gotten married because I would have been secure as is), but my point is: What makes me so sure I'm not making mistakes now?

I'm committed to a college degree. A few years down the line will I be regretting this?

I'm getting more serious about loving my girlfriend, can we hold on to what we have?

As I get more comfortable with the woman I love I find myself saying things that speak of things lasting forever. This morning we were watching an old couple and I imagined me and her together when we are old. If you have never been divorced this would be totally sweet and amazing (it still is). The thing is that in the background of my mind I look down at my scars. I see were God and my parents have fought to keep me alive. I see the years of abuse I took because I thought I deserved it. I see the pain of lonelyness after losing the woman I had planned to make forever with.

I see my stability slip away, and the scary thing is I want it. I see that I am betting a part of my emotional health on an unknown, on a woman. It occurs to me that I'm no longer a child, I am a man and expected to know what I'm doing. The flipside is that I'm only working with the data I have gathered thus far. I am unlikely to ever be completely informed.

You can't see the future, no one knows what is around the corner. I look at my scars and I see two stories. One is of the failure that caused them. Of the sin, the decadence, the arrogance and the hubris the story of whee I lost so much. The second story is how I lived. From the wreck of my divorce, depression and disaster following disaster I have survived. Some part of me still hopes there is life on the other side of all this. That part speaks loud today. So what if bad stuff happens? Worrying about it won't make me feel better. I'm as prepared as I can be, and that's enough for now.