I do not think in the nearly four years I have been keeping a blog I have had a post like this.
I'd like to talk about the woman I love.
It feels as though I've been alive several lifetimes. There was the lifetime where I was married, then that guy died. Then there was my second life, carefree bachelor days serving myself and very little else. Then there was my life of extreme faith and fervor for causes and philosophy.
I don't know when that last one ended, or if it ever really did. I am still prone to rant on endlessly about the injustice in the world, or my displeasure about my place in it (mostly financially, sometimes socially). At times I forget, or refuse to see what I have. I'm not going into a rant about how wonderful life is, in fact I just came back from a disappointing workout, after a disappointing semester at school, and I suspect I am going to soon be getting a disappointing job.
The woman I love is an island of sanity in a life I feel is out of control. Her love for me is an anchor. She doesn't hate me for my flaws, she loves me regardless. Sometimes even because of them. She doesn't expect me to overcome my natural shortcomings, to be someone I'm not or to rise to make so much that she never has to work. She knows I work hard, and it seems that's enough. She told me she never intends to leave me. I've heard that before, but she's been here for nearly a year. I'm starting to think she might be serious about that.
I never would have seen it happening like this. The biggest reason is I would have never abandoned my life to this madness willingly. The fact that she has loved me in the worst days of my life means more than some of the happiest moments I've had. No, it's not the most erotic feeling I've ever had. Erotic feelings are hormones. I still think that up there in erotic feelings are uncontrollable erections in math class when the girl you like is sitting across the room and doesn't notice you. My top ten erotic feelings include several very unromantic and unrealistic moments. Hormones are weird.
I was thinking about saying whether it is the most romantic relationship I've had, and it might be. I'm constantly experiencing an emotion of "I found you" which sums up the most romantic feeling for me. Finding someone right next to me who is everything I need, that's romance. Not some random chick I think I love letting me take her out, I've been there, done that. The romance I build up in my head for the girl I've got a jones for is usually way more than she can deliver.
Romance is realizing that even though a woman isn't the perfect size, she feels amazing in my arms. Love is finding a woman sexy because she is so good to me. She's not perfect, thank God! I don't trust something that seems perfect, it's usually pretty hard to keep up.
I can say I'd like her to have my children. I'd like to marry her. I hope that things last. The thing is that even if they don't, this is a nice moment. It's nice that I look forward to seeing her every day. It's nice that I really do think she belongs next to me in my bed. More-so than others who have tried to fill the spot.
I'd like to talk about the woman I love.
It feels as though I've been alive several lifetimes. There was the lifetime where I was married, then that guy died. Then there was my second life, carefree bachelor days serving myself and very little else. Then there was my life of extreme faith and fervor for causes and philosophy.
I don't know when that last one ended, or if it ever really did. I am still prone to rant on endlessly about the injustice in the world, or my displeasure about my place in it (mostly financially, sometimes socially). At times I forget, or refuse to see what I have. I'm not going into a rant about how wonderful life is, in fact I just came back from a disappointing workout, after a disappointing semester at school, and I suspect I am going to soon be getting a disappointing job.
The woman I love is an island of sanity in a life I feel is out of control. Her love for me is an anchor. She doesn't hate me for my flaws, she loves me regardless. Sometimes even because of them. She doesn't expect me to overcome my natural shortcomings, to be someone I'm not or to rise to make so much that she never has to work. She knows I work hard, and it seems that's enough. She told me she never intends to leave me. I've heard that before, but she's been here for nearly a year. I'm starting to think she might be serious about that.
I never would have seen it happening like this. The biggest reason is I would have never abandoned my life to this madness willingly. The fact that she has loved me in the worst days of my life means more than some of the happiest moments I've had. No, it's not the most erotic feeling I've ever had. Erotic feelings are hormones. I still think that up there in erotic feelings are uncontrollable erections in math class when the girl you like is sitting across the room and doesn't notice you. My top ten erotic feelings include several very unromantic and unrealistic moments. Hormones are weird.
I was thinking about saying whether it is the most romantic relationship I've had, and it might be. I'm constantly experiencing an emotion of "I found you" which sums up the most romantic feeling for me. Finding someone right next to me who is everything I need, that's romance. Not some random chick I think I love letting me take her out, I've been there, done that. The romance I build up in my head for the girl I've got a jones for is usually way more than she can deliver.
Romance is realizing that even though a woman isn't the perfect size, she feels amazing in my arms. Love is finding a woman sexy because she is so good to me. She's not perfect, thank God! I don't trust something that seems perfect, it's usually pretty hard to keep up.
I can say I'd like her to have my children. I'd like to marry her. I hope that things last. The thing is that even if they don't, this is a nice moment. It's nice that I look forward to seeing her every day. It's nice that I really do think she belongs next to me in my bed. More-so than others who have tried to fill the spot.
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