I'm not doing well. I seriously want solutions in a world that only wants to provide excuses. That's wrong. The world doesn't want anything. The world can't want anything, it's a large heavy object that we stick to. Wanting implies intelligence.
The people I meet and beg for answers provide excuses.
It's going to get better..... Ah the most common salve for my pain. As if you are introducing a thought I have never heard before. How original! Can you back that up? How many people have had cancer and just die? It does not have to get better. Nothing at all has to happen. If it did life would be deterministic. It would mean that somehow the universe progresses from the state it's in to the state it will be in and that those two relate to each other. My current viewpoint is that is not true. If there were rules to the system I could exploit it to free myself of my shackles..... I am not free yet because I have found no trend or rule that is sturdy enough to break these chains.
God will help...... I want to point out that again this is not original. This is the faith answer, and it is usually given by someone who has not spent night after night for years staring into the abyss, then begging God to pull them out. People who have faith that salvation is coming absolutely don't seem to be aware of the abyss.
The abyss as I define it is a large black spiritual void that those of us unfortunate enough to cross the wrong forces are cast into. The abyss might be hell, or it might be a special preview. In this place God's work and love do not exist in any kind of tangible way. It is agony beyond what I can find words for, and I personally would do anything to escape. I have begged, on hands and knees and in a consistent way for God to free me. It is not yet to be.
"Look! It's about to get better." Don't be fooled by the mirage of a new job, new relationship, new good thing. Nothing has roots until it lasts. A tree after all does not give fruit when it first peeks out of the soil. It is many weeks or years before I can rely on the fruit to be there. Of course that's all hypothetical. I wait yet for good. Not because I trust, because I am given no choice in the matter.
There is naturally a choice I just discounted. I could always die. That would be lovely. I don't know that it would be good.
It is staggering the amount of things I don't know.
---
I think my big issue is that when I speak to people about the hopelessness, the darkness, the abyss, they assume I don't believe in God. Not so. In fact I would have fewer issues with the abyss if there weren't a loving caring God. Having issues with darkness is really a light problem. Someone drowning doesn't really have a water problem, they have a breathing problem. Drowning really does sum up the way this thing works, because swimming doesn't fix drowning. It delays it, sure. But land stop drowning, air stops drowning, the pressure lessening on the chest and the body being allowed to do what it does best stops drowning.
Just because there is air doesn't mean drowning stops happening. Thinking air thoughts won't make the air easier to get in my lungs.
I wish it was easy to just say that I cast my heart on God, my pain, my impossible problems. It's not so easy. He doesn't see me. I scream and he preps the earplugs. I write him and he burns the letters. I read his scripture, invite him into my heart, and have given him everything.
None of this has brought me salvation. None of this has given me peace. All I have succeeded in is petitioning an all powerful God for help, and fallen flat. I ache, and it's not going away. What I asked him for even a year ago seems more impossible now than ever. It's a struggle because I really have learned more doubt than faith in this painful season. As my dreams become distant memories, I don't see how he could possibly love him. I can't stop seeking him, loving him, trying to reconcile, because that's not who I am.
I don't have clue who he is anymore, but I know who I am. I don't give up, even when it seems like everyone else has. If he had the kind of integrity, honor, or respect for me that I try to show him, it would be amazing to me. Because I have given more than I can afford to him, and then asked if he was capable of outdoing my generousity. It would appear I won that match, and I don't see how he ever could.
The thing is, he has his needs provided for, he has hope, and he does not have to be seperated from perfection. Pain is a distant memory for him. He cannot give more than he can afford to. I have yet to meet or hear of a multibillionaire who gave away more than he needed to eat. God controls all resources, meaning he is in control of something with more substance than money, the very essence of the universe itself. His energy, his power is beyond our imagination. That being the case, if I gave even just 10% of myself to him, the equal amount for him to give back would be more than the cumulative wealth of the planet. And he says he'll do more! This is a theological impossible silly thing, because he does so much less than even what I ask him. Meanwhile the scripture talks about how faithful he is. Well is he or isn't he? He must only be one way, God cannot sin....
I have searched for light and found dispair. I begged to find meaning and found humility in the total failing I have to make any sense out of life. I know how limited my resources are, and I knew that from the start or I wouldn't have brought larger than life problems and dreams to him, fully expecting him to be capable.
The amazing thing is that despite the hundreds of verses that speak of rewards for faith, I have received more pain than I could have bargained for. The enemy has had a much more active role in who I have become than God has, and I'm told that this is his will. Refined like Gold by God.............. What if I'm not the gold? because all I see are impurities. I do not see anything loved, or worthwhile, or blessed in my life. I see death, actually worse than that I see a life without any kind of mercy. The smallest mercy would be death, and the greatest would be a better life, yet I have been allowed neither, despite asking.
The people I meet and beg for answers provide excuses.
It's going to get better..... Ah the most common salve for my pain. As if you are introducing a thought I have never heard before. How original! Can you back that up? How many people have had cancer and just die? It does not have to get better. Nothing at all has to happen. If it did life would be deterministic. It would mean that somehow the universe progresses from the state it's in to the state it will be in and that those two relate to each other. My current viewpoint is that is not true. If there were rules to the system I could exploit it to free myself of my shackles..... I am not free yet because I have found no trend or rule that is sturdy enough to break these chains.
God will help...... I want to point out that again this is not original. This is the faith answer, and it is usually given by someone who has not spent night after night for years staring into the abyss, then begging God to pull them out. People who have faith that salvation is coming absolutely don't seem to be aware of the abyss.
The abyss as I define it is a large black spiritual void that those of us unfortunate enough to cross the wrong forces are cast into. The abyss might be hell, or it might be a special preview. In this place God's work and love do not exist in any kind of tangible way. It is agony beyond what I can find words for, and I personally would do anything to escape. I have begged, on hands and knees and in a consistent way for God to free me. It is not yet to be.
"Look! It's about to get better." Don't be fooled by the mirage of a new job, new relationship, new good thing. Nothing has roots until it lasts. A tree after all does not give fruit when it first peeks out of the soil. It is many weeks or years before I can rely on the fruit to be there. Of course that's all hypothetical. I wait yet for good. Not because I trust, because I am given no choice in the matter.
There is naturally a choice I just discounted. I could always die. That would be lovely. I don't know that it would be good.
It is staggering the amount of things I don't know.
---
I think my big issue is that when I speak to people about the hopelessness, the darkness, the abyss, they assume I don't believe in God. Not so. In fact I would have fewer issues with the abyss if there weren't a loving caring God. Having issues with darkness is really a light problem. Someone drowning doesn't really have a water problem, they have a breathing problem. Drowning really does sum up the way this thing works, because swimming doesn't fix drowning. It delays it, sure. But land stop drowning, air stops drowning, the pressure lessening on the chest and the body being allowed to do what it does best stops drowning.
Just because there is air doesn't mean drowning stops happening. Thinking air thoughts won't make the air easier to get in my lungs.
I wish it was easy to just say that I cast my heart on God, my pain, my impossible problems. It's not so easy. He doesn't see me. I scream and he preps the earplugs. I write him and he burns the letters. I read his scripture, invite him into my heart, and have given him everything.
None of this has brought me salvation. None of this has given me peace. All I have succeeded in is petitioning an all powerful God for help, and fallen flat. I ache, and it's not going away. What I asked him for even a year ago seems more impossible now than ever. It's a struggle because I really have learned more doubt than faith in this painful season. As my dreams become distant memories, I don't see how he could possibly love him. I can't stop seeking him, loving him, trying to reconcile, because that's not who I am.
I don't have clue who he is anymore, but I know who I am. I don't give up, even when it seems like everyone else has. If he had the kind of integrity, honor, or respect for me that I try to show him, it would be amazing to me. Because I have given more than I can afford to him, and then asked if he was capable of outdoing my generousity. It would appear I won that match, and I don't see how he ever could.
The thing is, he has his needs provided for, he has hope, and he does not have to be seperated from perfection. Pain is a distant memory for him. He cannot give more than he can afford to. I have yet to meet or hear of a multibillionaire who gave away more than he needed to eat. God controls all resources, meaning he is in control of something with more substance than money, the very essence of the universe itself. His energy, his power is beyond our imagination. That being the case, if I gave even just 10% of myself to him, the equal amount for him to give back would be more than the cumulative wealth of the planet. And he says he'll do more! This is a theological impossible silly thing, because he does so much less than even what I ask him. Meanwhile the scripture talks about how faithful he is. Well is he or isn't he? He must only be one way, God cannot sin....
I have searched for light and found dispair. I begged to find meaning and found humility in the total failing I have to make any sense out of life. I know how limited my resources are, and I knew that from the start or I wouldn't have brought larger than life problems and dreams to him, fully expecting him to be capable.
The amazing thing is that despite the hundreds of verses that speak of rewards for faith, I have received more pain than I could have bargained for. The enemy has had a much more active role in who I have become than God has, and I'm told that this is his will. Refined like Gold by God.............. What if I'm not the gold? because all I see are impurities. I do not see anything loved, or worthwhile, or blessed in my life. I see death, actually worse than that I see a life without any kind of mercy. The smallest mercy would be death, and the greatest would be a better life, yet I have been allowed neither, despite asking.
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