I found someone who doesn't like money: spoiler alert it's actually a business!

So today I had to grit my teeth and put up with my monthly phone call to the mortgage company, which would be awful enough, but because of my status I have been relocated to their "home retention" department.
I spent 45 minutes saying in every way I could: Take my money, I just worked 10 hours, and I'm hungry"..... yet we had to go over everything over and over again......unrelated stuff... like asking for money I can in no way promise..... it's just very clear that wanting money has nothing to do with doing business. Once you have someone trapped, by owning a portion of their assets you can do whatever you want.
Oh, and more amusing, I found out today this was only over 1 payment, so 1/12 of what I pay them a year and they have currently spent more than 80 hours harassing me over it, 15 mailers, they actually sent someone to my house to leave a note on my door. Over a relatively small amount(to them) they have spent.... quite a bit more money than seems reasonable.
But as I said, they don't like money. I have no idea what motivates them.
There, that's the entire rant, because I don't have energy to care anymore than that.

Impossible Forgiveness

So I had one of my typical anxiety nightmares last night. I was over at my parents talking to them about their situation, and Dad is going on about how great everything is. I just kept having this uneasy feeling about the whole thing. At some point I go back to his old office he had when I was a kid (his new office is in a different room), and I see that the computer is being controlled remotely. It turns out that he is involved in some kind of pyramid scheme. He's invested all their money in this scam...

Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.

I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.

----

So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.

I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.

But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.

The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.

So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.

I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.

These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.

2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.

3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.

4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.

5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.

That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.

that's what I want

So, I was digging deeply into my subconscious as I often do while alone and I found this song.
It interests me more that I had buried this under piles of memories. Has it been sitting there for years and in subtle ways changed decisions I made? Perhaps.
Hold on------
From the beginning of writing time:
I just saw a commercial for Christian Mingle: the man said, "I believe God can use any tool to bring the woman I'm supposed to be with."
Can I ever understate the heavy handed message this is. This is part of how the rich Christians who run the country (perhaps defacto if not so clearly) control of the poor Christians who believe them. Christianity as a rule system and organization is often depicted as a rational for keeping power in the hands of those who have it. Christian mingle isn't helping. For one thing the whole concept of a woman I am supposed to be with is morally repellent to me. So far my score for women I have loved being me vs marrying other men (often carrying their children) is at least 5 for married and 1 for me. If I were to chart my hormonal and romantic excitement disturbingly the ones that were worst for me were far more exciting.
So that's the first problem I have.

 The second is that God is going to use fucking Christian Mingle to bring me a woman........ God has about as much interest in providing me women as he does providing me beer and smokes. He likes to keep me happy by allowing such wonderful things to exist, but for various reasons I doubt he personally makes these things exist. The actual objective benefits of the vices of sex, smoking and drinking are not completely accepted in the psychological community. For various reasons most experiments on these things end up being highly biased. No, I don't have sources, screw that I'm on vacation.

On the questionable purpose of money

So I wanted to post yesterday, but a long panic attack combined with being furiously busy prevented me from having enough time to finish a thought. Needless to say, I am deeply depressed about the whole thing.

I guess what I want to address today is the questionable purpose of money to a poor person. Now I have many nice things, but for the purpose of today's exercise we will call me "poor", if I may exercise the privilege

At present I have enough money to make it another two months. I'm sure this sounds quite relaxing.... but in actual fact I have no idea what I really have money for.

My parents have been helping with health and food items. Which is of course a blessing.

The thing is that I am at times a compulsive shopper. Sometimes I buy things to try and create a feeling of well being in myself.

Sometimes I work on things to make me feel relevant..... it's a compulsion..... I'm related to quite a few addicts, alcoholics, work a holics, a few stress a holics and even a few bona-fide druggies (I fit in at LEAST one of those).

Anyway, my current flavor of the month escape fantasy is working on my coat I'm getting for my birthday (even though I turned 26 over a month ago, shipping is slow). Correction, shipping isn't slow, I'm slow to get around to things. It took two months to get my dishwasher repaired (and it is! Pictures to follow). The coat I have wanted for some time is a wool trench coat. I think it started in high school. Somewhere along the line I became semi obsessed with ex military clothing. Part of the blame for that goes to boy scouts..... I would have joined the military just for the outfits..... but that's another story.

From the start I have wanted to personalize it.... trick it out. Clothing for me is like cars for most men... is it any wonder my friends question my sexuality (though what sex has to do with nifty outfits I'll never know).

So I have been agonizing over what I want to do and what I can do. Money is, as I already stated, tight. However things that give me pure joy sometimes manage to slipjaw past the thrifty part of my brain. In Freudian terms my superego has a softspot for my ID when my pain threshold reaches a certain point.

Which kind of says it all. The real utility of money is to accomplish things. What we will accomplish with it is yet to be seen.