Almost every conversation I begin with God begins with the legalistic reminder that I give myself that he knows better.
"Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts."
So even as I ask for his help in doing what I think is right I have to admit I may not be headed in the right direction. The bible frequently makes statements about being humble. In the Catholic practice it is one of the seven virtues (to contrast the seven deadly sins). Being a younger man I have to admit this is at times the most difficult part about following God. I'm not alone. The scripture provides examples of how we should act along with how those same good people had issues with pride and selfishness.
The scripture says that Jesus himself named as the second greatest commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself." I've brought this up in therapy several times. It's my interpretation that you have to love yourself to love your neighbor. It's a balancing act. Pride usually becomes interpreted as vanity when it is at the expense of others. Greed isn't perceived sinful until it takes food from the hungry. If everyone had enough to eat and a place to live I doubt we would have the deep divide in our nation between those whom have what they need (and what they want as well), and those who do not have what they need. It bothers something in us.
Today I'm working on laying my pain down as an offering. I see some light that God has revealed where I was broken, and I am closer to healing. This remains a struggle, but I think God is leading me out. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me." These are the words of David who knew better than anyone what it meant to lose and lose and lose, yet God stayed with him. He was delivered by God.
I can't really swallow that God only wants to deliver a few. It doesn't follow that God would love a select few enough for his direct movement. "For God so Loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that all might have life and have it everlasting"
"Romans 2:11 For God does not show favoritism."
He's not looking to create a 1% super loving fanbase. He wants all of us.
Christ said "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance"
He came for the broken, for the screwed up. He came to heal and offer forgiveness.
So many times in the last few years I have asked him forgiveness and mercy. I still do not fully understand what was done wrong to bring me down to this place, but I have prayed often for him to erase that dark mark from my record. I am not defined by my past, or my mistakes, in his eyes I am defined by Christ.
Christ stands at the throne and says that I am bought and paid for. His healing and mercy is already done.
Which brings us to ego. It is ego filled to beg God to relieve pain. It is a selfish act to believe that God will give us the desires of our heart if we believe. I will tell you that no amount of wanting something or begging God will move him. He moves when he desires to move. How he will respond is his job. I am still waiting, and I may wait years yet. I do think that when my wait comes to an end my witness will be powerful.
It could end today, right now the final pieces could fall into place and I could be freed from the bondage and dead weight in my life. It would be just as amazing, today as yesterday and as any day forward of this. When God moves the pain of waiting goes away. I experienced a small piece of this recently. I started getting nice clothes again and I felt a little better.
I'm hopeful. I'm not cautious about it at all because it has made me sick and hurting for the lack of what I long for. I can rely on the fact that all good things come from God. God put the hope in my heart, and he does not do things without reason. He desires for us to have hope and a future.
Of course on introspection I understand that I partially praise him because I need his help so badly. Because I ache for this pain to end, and for pleasure to begin again. I believe that God wills that I be filled to overflowing with his love and joy. He wants my life to be blessed to the point that I can only share it and share it.
If today could be the day I would be exceedingly glad.
Let me live in today and not need another day forward of this to justify this one.
Give me hope but what's better fulfill the hope I have held on to.
Give me patience but also teach me the rewards of patience.
Give me wisdom but give me control over my mind and heart so that I may remain in you.
Give me humility to understand what I don't deserve, to understand what mistakes I make and correct them.
Give me pride to build confidence and love for myself and others.
Give me loyalty to hold on to those I love and always do right.
Give me bravery to face fear.
Give me honor that I might satisfy both the eyes of God and man.
Take out all anger that I might find peace.
Remove any nonproductive desires I might have.
Remove the enemies influence and thoughts.
Remove the enemies around me.
Be my defender, my hope, my friend.
Be my father, my teacher and mentor.
Teach me how to be like you and yet still be all that is me.
Above all shine your love into my life. As you have, as you always will. Hold me close to you and become a part of my daily walk.
Lord I beg for change. I beg with complete abandon to my pride that I need help. I need your move, your change that turns the tide of battle. I need you to be with me as you were with David and Moses. But also be with me like you have been with my parents. Lord please put me on the side of blessing others and not being so needy. I desire to look outwards, not inwards. Freedom lord, free me from this trapped place. You know how, you know when. You would not stir my heart right now if you didn't desire that I hold on.
CS Lewis mentioned in Screwtape Letters that the enemy wants us to give up just when God is about to move.
Every step may be the last one that hurts. It is insanity, if we really believed we were in it alone. I'm not alone and this isn't the same old same old. I've given up enough in my life. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan. If I can hold on to this that would be something else.
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