I realize now more than I have for some time how I must look inwards to find answers to my unhappiness. My previous attempts to understand my pain as it has been caused by others has proven fruitless indeed.
I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.
I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.
It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.
This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.
Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.
No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.
As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.
I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
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I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.
I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.
Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.
I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.
I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.
It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.
This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.
Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.
No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.
As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.
I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
-----------
I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.
I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.
Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.
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