Introspective reflection

I realize now more than I have for some time how I must look inwards to find answers to my unhappiness. My previous attempts to understand my pain as it has been caused by others has proven fruitless indeed.

I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.

I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.

It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.

This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.

Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.

No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.

As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side  of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.

I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
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I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.

I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.

Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.

Eyes upward balancing ego and humility

Almost every conversation I begin with God begins with the legalistic reminder that I give myself that he knows better.

"Your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts."

So even as I ask for his help in doing what I think is right I have to admit I may not be headed in the right direction. The bible frequently makes statements about being humble. In the Catholic practice it is one of the seven virtues (to contrast the seven deadly sins). Being a younger man I have to admit this is at times the most difficult part about following God. I'm not alone. The scripture provides examples of how we should act along with how those same good people had issues with pride and selfishness. 

The scripture says that Jesus himself named as the second greatest commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself." I've brought this up in therapy several times. It's my interpretation that you have to love yourself to love your neighbor. It's a balancing act. Pride usually becomes interpreted as vanity when it is at the expense of others. Greed isn't perceived sinful until it takes food from the hungry. If everyone had enough to eat and a place to live I doubt we would have the deep divide in our nation between those whom have what they need (and what they want as well), and those who do not have what they need. It bothers something in us.

Today I'm working on laying my pain down as an offering. I see some light that God has revealed where I was broken, and I am closer to healing. This remains a struggle, but I think God is leading me out. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me." These are the words of David who knew better than anyone what it meant to lose and lose and lose, yet God stayed with him. He was delivered by God.

I can't really swallow that God only wants to deliver a few. It doesn't follow that God would love a select few enough for his direct movement. "For God so Loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that all might have life and have it everlasting"

"Romans 2:11 For God does not show favoritism."

He's not looking to create a 1% super loving fanbase. He wants all of us.

Christ said "I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance"

He came for the broken, for the screwed up. He came to heal and offer forgiveness.

So many times in the last few years I have asked him forgiveness and mercy. I still do not fully understand what was done wrong to bring me down to this place, but I have prayed often for him to erase that dark mark from my record. I am not defined by my past, or my mistakes, in his eyes I am defined by Christ.

Christ stands at the throne and says that I am bought and paid for. His healing and mercy is already done. 

Which brings us to ego. It is ego filled to beg God to relieve pain. It is a selfish act to believe that God will give us the desires of our heart if we believe. I will tell you that no amount of wanting something or begging God will move him. He moves when he desires to move. How he will respond is his job. I am still waiting, and I may wait years yet. I do think that when my wait comes to an end my witness will be powerful.

It could end today, right now the final pieces could fall into place and I could be freed from the bondage and dead weight in my life. It would be just as amazing, today as yesterday and as any day forward of this. When God moves the pain of waiting goes away. I experienced a small piece of this recently. I started getting nice clothes again and I felt a little better.

I'm hopeful. I'm not cautious about it at all because it has made me sick and hurting for the lack of what I long for. I can rely on the fact that all good things come from God. God put the hope in my heart, and he does not do things without reason. He desires for us to have hope and a future.

Of course on introspection I understand that I partially praise him because I need his help so badly. Because I ache for this pain to end, and for pleasure to begin again. I believe that God wills that I be filled to overflowing with his love and joy. He wants my life to be blessed to the point that I can only share it and share it. 

If today could be the day I would be exceedingly glad.

Let me live in today and not need another day forward of this to justify this one.

Give me hope but what's better fulfill the hope I have held on to.

Give me patience but also teach me the rewards of patience.

Give me wisdom but give me control over my mind and heart so that I may remain in you.

Give me humility to understand what I don't deserve, to understand what mistakes I make and correct them.

Give me pride to build confidence and love for myself and others.

Give me loyalty to hold on to those I love and always do right.

Give me bravery to face fear.

Give me honor that I might satisfy both the eyes of God and man.

Take out all anger that I might find peace.

Remove any nonproductive desires I might have.

Remove the enemies influence and thoughts.

Remove the enemies around me.

Be my defender, my hope, my friend.

Be my father, my teacher and mentor.

Teach me how to be like you and yet still be all that is me.

Above all shine your love into my life. As you have, as you always will. Hold me close to you and become a part of my daily walk.

Lord I beg for change. I beg with complete abandon to my pride that I need help. I need your move, your change that turns the tide of battle. I need you to be with me as you were with David and Moses. But also be with me like you have been with my parents. Lord please put me on the side of blessing others and not being so needy. I desire to look outwards, not inwards. Freedom lord, free me from this trapped place. You know how, you know when. You would not stir my heart right now if you didn't desire that I hold on.

CS Lewis mentioned in Screwtape Letters that the enemy wants us to give up just when God is about to move.

Every step may be the last one that hurts. It is insanity, if we really believed we were in it alone. I'm not alone and this isn't the same old same old. I've given up enough in my life. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan. If I can hold on to this that would be something else.

what is reliance?

What does it mean to rely on God?

I've been thinking about this. The other day my girlfriend said "I'd like to be a stay at home mom someday". Immediately, without any thought I said "Ask God about that, I have nothing to do with whether that is even possible."

That is the point I'm at. Rich person ideas like being a stay at home parent are distant dreams. In the way is trying to make enough to eat. Trying to keep a roof over my head. Keeping the cars running. These things are ambitious enough. I don't want to allow myself the luxury of thinking about wants as things I can chase. People in our income bracket shouldn't do that. You shouldn't think about building a swimming pool before you have a kitchen.

Being young I still have many of my dreams still present in my heart. They still speak loud. I listen to songs like "Land of Plenty" and "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" and I think about the dreams I'm trying to step back from. It's not that they aren't good dreams. It's that if they happen it will be by the grace of God. If they don't, then I stay on this path.

"Do not worry for tomorrow, what you will wear, or eat. Worry about the kingdom of heaven and God will take care of the rest." Paraphrase.

God desires we seek him out. He says to seek after him and he will take care of things. I'd like that to be true. So far I'm still waiting. I'm finding out that relying on something larger than yourself means coming to terms with what you are given. I've talked to many veterans who tell stories about being at the front and the shipments being mixed up. Sometimes the food you expected to receive is a crate of office supplies. So we endure, we wait and we hope that he will hear the prayers lifted up. Somewhere in my heart I still believe his promises are based on something solid. I believe that he will fulfill his promise.... I have no idea how. I wish I knew.

thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

Does God Show Up?

I thought it might interest some of my readers that I searched this term before beginning to write. What I found in the end was the same dreck I've been wading through for months.

First come those who are certain. There are many articles about how faithful God is, how he loves us, which I have spent countless pages explaining is little comfort to those of us still waiting. Then there are those that have given up on God, who are trying to pull down everyone they can to complain how God didn't do whatever for them.

Both miss the mark for me.

I don't ask this question because I don't know who God is or what he is capable of. Take note of the word capable, we'll come back to that. I don't have any doubt that there is a God, or that he loves me. I doubt what's going to happen next, because no one can tell me anything useful. It seems much the purpose of most of the drivel that comes out when people talk about the walk of faith to fill your mind with stupor so that you must say "it's too big for me to understand, let God work this out". Which of course spits intellectual seekers of the faith right out.

The other side holds no appeal either. I do not desire to be a quitter. The pure science approach doesn't work because in science there is no hope for the poor and the hopeless. Life simply goes on. In this approach good and bad don't happen for any reason.

I want to talk more about the word capable. How do I know God is capable? He has been before and he doesn't change. I will say right now that means exactly squat when you are hurting. Knowing there are firemen and that they have hoses makes no difference when your house is burning down. I have seen him in other's lives. I have even on some occasions seen him work in my life. What I wouldn't give to see that now and in response to my living needs and prayers.

I had a moment last night to mourn the passing away of my previous hopes and dreams. Again I came back to wondering where God is. For so long I could not imagine how I could stop seeking and stop believing that certain things would happen. I believed so fervently that God would answer my prayer. Yet, here I am, poor and hopeless, with about as much chance of seeing my dream as I do of being given a new car. In these times as those dreams begin to drift away like a ship in the wind, never to return.



It's not impossible for God to show up. Not even a little bit. I will say even more that God is even more capable when my pride is down. In fact almost anything he might do in my life would be an improvement.

I do not see him, and that doesn't mean he's not there. I'm waiting for the day to post how God showed up and kicked butt in my life. Nothing short of my dreams rising again from the dead would make me as happy as being able to write about the abundant and everlasting blessings God brings to my life. May what I describe now in the abstract become the real, and may the pain I feel now become abstract and foreign to me.

Where is God?

This song came to mind when I came up with this topic. The point in my mind is that we can suppose all day long about where or what he is doing, but in the end we are clueless. I feel completely lost, adrift on a stormy sea. That isn't to say he isn't working, he is. That is to say that regardless of him walking by my side, the lonelyness remains. I wait and wait for him to redeem, for some reward for faithfulness....

I also ran across this blog, and it touched me:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/but-jesus-isnt-that-putting-hurts-in-the-proper-perspective/

Of course this solves nothing. It's a reminder that God isn't the source of our pain. We must believe he is about saving, about healing and about delivering us from evil.

Getting over the birthday curse

A birthday for some people is a very dangerous thing. It's not safe to grow old, and times like this are a common pitfall to pull us down as we mark another year passing. For many years I have had a private belief that it was entirely possible that my birthday was cursed. This year sadly didn't help improve that.

I feel some background is necessary to explain the curse. It seems to me that it would be more reasonable for a person with an ego the size mine is to enjoy a birthday. After all it is a day about me. In actual fact the first issue I have with it is that in general people let me down on this day. Christmas holds a similar yuck factor that you build it up for months then it comes and it can never live up to your hopes. So every year I try to have lower expectations. Sometimes I get myself something I wanted, sometimes I don't. My parents always do something, but it's still a rough day.

More pressing on the docket of why I dislike birthdays is the events that happen on them. This year for example the day before I was supposed to lose my health insurance (thanks insurance company). Then the day of I got in a small accident with a curb and hurt my fender, destroyed my headlight, dented my wheel and didn't get the fancy breakfast out I was offered. Then I got in a fight with my girlfriend because I was pretty unhappy about the whole ordeal. Oh, and top that off with a disagreement with my parents where they argue the point that it's all going to be okay, and I fall to pieces. That was the first half of my day.

Somewhere near the midpoint I got really angry at God about this whole thing. More specifically I was heartbroken that I had prayed SO hard for better economic times so I could be insulated, and it didn't quite work out that way. It pushes me beyond my breaking point to try to understand how or why his timing is taking so long.

Then something happened. I saw my girl break down and cry about how awful this situation has become. Crying seemed like the right thing to do actually, because things have been pretty bleak and awful. She was crying and sounded so broken I went over and held her. Partially I have to admit the motivation was to do what was right by her. At least some of it was that it hurt me to see her so damaged by this storm we are in. I feel awful that I am so helpless in this situation.

She was by the front door. She closed it, threw her keys on the ground and fell against the door sobbing. I embraced her as she cried. The crying got even louder, I'm standing there thinking "Why God, why?"

Then I see my "daily motivation" on the back of the door. I wrote the thing in a moment of feeling really close to God. There are probably five of them posted around the house. Actually I barely look at them anymore. But I read it while I held her. It said, "God is in control, God has a good plan." Now if someone else had said that to me at that point I might have slapped them. But seeing these words I had written on the door was different. It made me come to terms with the truth of who God is.

To really trust him I have to submit to the fact that he does have a plan. I may not like where I am, but he's got some idea of how and when it is going to get better. I have entrusted him with so much and something inside of me keeps saying that it won't be much more or much longer before he shows me how he rewards trust and faithfulness.

Today is just another day in the trudge through this dark time in my life. I won't sugar coat it. But God's promise is still just as true today as it was before. He'll lead me out, even if I'm not smart enough or resourceful enough to do it myself.

Endure

There are many, so many words to describe where I am. To a point I'm at the end of one road. To another, I'm at the beginning of the next. I wanted to title this many things.

"Empty Optimist"

"Faith in the Hopeless"

"Being full up dead and empty alive."

But this word "endure" kept coming up. I don't know!

I don't know! My mind screams it to the sky like a man who has lost all reason.

I don't know! I will never know! I don't even have the certitude of facts to be sure I won't know! Hahahaha! I am so empty, lost and gone. I don't see nirvana, I can't even see tomorrow. Blind without even eyes to see what I want to see the most I grope and gasp for air in an airless prison.

Here I stand. I stand at the bottom because it is that. I stand on my faith when all hope is gone. Imagine if everything you ever hoped for was gone. Imagine if the one who loved you most told you that your dreams may never happen. Now be okay with that. Oh yes, now it becomes so much harder. We feel torn apart and empty, when our hopes turn up empty. Our trust in an expectation for better turns up completely worse. Our taboos, our morals, and our character just taunt us.

Now I will say what I want to say, because there is no magic way of talking which will make his blessing rain down. He will bless when he wills to bless, and he will test and lead us through trial when he wants as well. Do you understand? He LEADS us through fucking trials. I try not to cuss but I'm pissed off.

That means that the shitstorm you and I are in, he brought us here. Is it of his making? I doubt it, because it is in God's nature to love and do good for us. But make it or not could not matter less for those of us in the midst of trials and storms beyond our control. We know (if we have any kind of faith) he has the ability to calm the storm, to end the trial. He doesn't do that. Why?

This is not a poor me statement. Fuck that. I don't care what you think of me. It's actually laughable the kind of stupid sermon's I've heard and thought "what a rich kid mentality". I've heard people agonize over such stupid pointless shit. I mean who the fuck cares if your sports team wins, or for that matter who is president? Who cares if your kid makes the sports team? Who cares? Yes, I suppose God cares. God doesn't care about the stupid stuff, he cares about you. It bothers him when we hurt because he loves us.

I stopped talking to real people awhile ago about what really bothers me. Because you know what? No one cares why you are hurting. They'd like you to stop. Sometimes Christians and others will be used by God and will try to help you. Sometimes. Most of the time you're on your own.

God led you in, and God can lead you out. He can. I don't have a fucking clue about if he will. I'll tell you something, eventually you will get hurt. If you love people those people are probably going to die. Or you'll die and you'll HATE hurting them that way. If you don't have a big investment in people, you'll probably grow old, and likely you'll die. Sad, horrible things will likely still happen. But there are two likely ways it will work out. You can give up, and God will still love you. Because even if you give up, God doesn't. He's a persistent fucker, and I mean that with all the genuine love I have in my heart for him.

The other option? Endure. It's the one most powerful word in human history. Through all your suffering, you can endure it. I know this. My trial has lasted much longer than I thought it would. I can't even see the end, and you know I don't know how to picture it anymore. Good thing it's not my job to end it. God led me in to test something. Maybe it's character, or faith, or just to see how long I'd hold on. Well, whatever it is, I found the strength to endure. I found out that I can find peace in where I am today. Am I happy? For sure not.

I guess the point I'm at is that there is only one reason left. I love God. Note that I didn't say I liked him. Some days he pisses me off. He frustrates and confuses me, but that doesn't make me stop loving him. Honestly if him not stopping my pain was enough to disturb my love for him I wouldn't call that love. I'd call that like, or strategic partnership. I know many people in strategic partnership with God. They want something, and they believe God will help them get it. Maybe he will. I also won't say he isn't going to fulfill the desires I have. I'm going to say that isn't a requirement.

This is the definition of love. If my girl doesn't cook a nice dinner for me I don't hold it against her. I love her the same. If she breaks something precious to me, I still love her. I may get angry, I may get hurt, but my love can endure that. Love is a choice partly, but it's almost a reflex. If we find love we fall back into it. We trust it, even when we don't know why. Which brings us into love song territory. And there's nothing rational here, but to be honest here at the bottom there isn't an abundance of rationality. There's nothing rational about poverty, or being lost.

No more answers today than yesterday. I'm going to start work on a research project soon. Peace and Goodnight.

eyes on the horizon

some things are happening that frankly I don't have all the tools in terms of communication to talk about. I've recieved enough verification that something is happening. I've seen the footprints in the sand, if it makes any sense(it might not). It's hard to wrap your mind around the problems of the spirit.  Look I'm not going to pretend for even a moment that I am some pure or perfect being. I can't talk down to you. Consider my position, if I talked down to you I would have to completely discount the wonder that is you.

You have survived, and for whatever reason you are still on this planet because you either have something you are going to do or something you are doing. Recently I have been dealing with holiday traffic and one of my favorite exercises in forgiveness is rush hour driving. It's so hard to forgive inconsiderate and dangerously bad drivers, but living in a city demands it. The one thought that gets me through is "They must have a good reason." Suddenly when I think that, I can't be angry. It gives me empathy. I imagine what if it was me. What if where-ever they are going IS really that urgent. Then I realize it must be to them. Then I feel their pain. I feel sad for them, and I hope for them that they do get where-ever they need to be on time. I still have to deal with their bad driving. I still see it as bad driving, but I also see the hurt that makes it happen.

I think this must be some of how God sees us. We screw up all the time. But God forgives, and then helps us up. One of the biggest moments in my recovery is when I realized that my ex did what she did because she was a broken human being. She still did unspeakable wrong to my life. She cut into me and it still hurts even three years later. But she did it because she had good reasons. She was hurt, she was broken. I may not have dealt the best with it either as it so happens, but there you are. She's moved on, which means she forgave me. She offered me forgiveness. Not understanding, because that's not what I needed from her. She let it go. I've done my best to do the same.

I didn't mean to get on rambling about forgiveness....

I wanted to talk about where I'm at, or maybe where I am going. I've been told that things are going to change, in the way I predicted three years ago, and SOON (26 days left at this point according to one prediction). I wish I could sum up the complicated feelings in my heart in just a few words. The biggest problem is doubt. I do not doubt in any way that God (the universe, whatever you want to call that force) wants go give me good things to bring joy to my heart. The doubt is with how I have read the signs. I'm imperfect, as are all the people I'm listening to. Distrust is my knee jerk reaction to people telling me what I want to hear. Usually I think they are BSing me. Frankly it won't be real until it is real. There at the moment is nothing to do but keep eyes on the horizon for the change. Distrusting it won't bring it sooner. I don't know if trusting will make a difference either.

I pray I will look back on this post SOON and see I worried for nothing. I've waited for so many things in my life and sure enough eventually many of them came. Some didn't (Laurel, marriage lasting, a few other things) but in the end I have to admit that giving those to the Lord I must realize that them not happening made me a better man. I mean my heart is made of leather at this point thanks to my heartbreaks. I've become very good at loving people without needing them to love me back. I've learned to not need approval and to endure rejections.... I guess one of my fears is that the universe wants me to learn to stop hoping... or grow up and get more realistic goals..... *sigh* But the Lord says to come to him as a small child. I read that as trusting with an open heart and open mind... So here I am, laying back and trusting him. I wish I could say more than that.

nothing compares

So very close, so very very close to liberation.
Because you see that is the very essence of my current position. Precariously perched on the brink of seeing what I have longed for so many dark nights. Bursting forth like glorious light. I can almost taste it. I can smell it. I feel it deep down and all around me. The change is undeniable. The hope that is more than hope. So much shorter of a time before waiting for tomorrow will be living for today. Dreams become real, and reality becomes a dream. Soon, the time is measured in heartbeats, and it can only be a handful until it is here. Then what? Then like a great awhoom the joyful noise will surround and the arduous silence will be ended. The metaphysical was the more real this whole time, can you imagine that?

You will get through

I'm going to tell you everything your heart is longing to hear, and I am going to back up every last word of it.

It's going to get better, and things will change. Think life is bad now? Imagine being one of the allies in world war two, I bet lots of people thought FDR was in over his head. I mean, a two ocean war? That's insane. Fighting on two fronts is in fact what broke the German war machine. My point, however, is that it changed. He had the courage to say "suck it Hitler, you aren't going to win." This is when the most powerful empire in the world had essentially let Hitler acquire all the power he could need to take over the world.

God sent FDR a Patton. He sent FDR a man who would never quit. Those two men change the world. So what are you worried about?

Is it love you long for with all you have? God has some to spare and you may find that you are perfectly wonderful on your own, if you didn't already know. Don't seek it as a purpose, trust me I've done it. It didn't work. I have someone very sweet and nice now because I understand her place in my life.

Is it money or power you want? Look, you don't want money or power because of those things themselves, you love what they promise you. You probably desire security, safety, and freedom. I can say that most of the paths to getting money or power generally rob you of your security, your safety, your freedom and even your good mental health. Money is a horrible boss. It only wants to make more of itself. It's like a big swarm of cockroaches, eating at our feelings and giving not enough in return.

Now even cockroaches have their place. For example, if you are raising a prey eating animal they are great protein. Insects and other small critters form a basis of a good diet for bigger things. 

If you still don't understand how much more valuable you are to God and to everyone else as compared to money do this for me:
Go get some money out of your wallet. Even a dollar will work because we can all agree that money is money no matter what denomination, correct?
Now set it on the table.  I want you to make a plan to never touch that dollar on the table there. Let it lay there, we're doing an experiment.

Leave the money there for as long as it takes for it to bring one good or redeeming thing into your life. You will wait a lifetime because money on it's own is really just paper. You are worshiping stuff that comes out of trees! How nutty is that?

No matter how bad things are- and believe me I know they are bad- they can and they will get better. Simply as a matter of course you know that after winter comes spring, right? So don't you know that seasons of contentment and good are out there to be lived after the seasons of pain. You wouldn't be in pain if you didn't have some sense that life should be or could be better. Remember that! You believe in you because if you didn't you would not feel pain when things are less than your hopes. Don't get down in the muck and don't quit. There are two types of people when it comes to winning, there are the courageous and the fearful. The fearful man says "ooo scary I think I might well faint dead away if it doesn't get better. Geez I wish someone else would protect me and keep me safe from harm.

Now if you are afraid there's nothing wrong with that. However there is something wrong if you can't accept help. The help you receive will equip you to fight your battles. No one will forever fight your battles for you. Sooner or later you have to take up your own cross despite (or perhaps because of) God's love for you.

A courageous man feels fear. He sees his fear as what it really is, a bag of hot air and lies most of the time. He pushes on. Even when life knocks him down he gets up and fights again.

You have courage, and you have wisdom and you have the strength. I know you do, because frankly you are beautiful and wonderful. God made you that way, and he makes no useless people.  He is fervently rooting for you, even if you never want a relationship with him, he will love on you and bless you. I just think that getting to know him makes understanding easier. So if you want to know why you are blessed and what you can do to get out of a tight spot, lay your trust on the Lord.

No such thing as an idle prayer

no such thing as a worthless life

no such thing as so dark it can shut out the light

he will come and redeem you

he loves you more than you know

there are dreams you will aspire to

times you will desire to lay down your head and quit

but that's not the end of it

you're alive

you're okay

you made it to the end of the day

you  did fine

you tried your best

now let go, let God take the rest

he brings peace

he brings hope

when you're lost in the wilderness he brings you hope

you are not unworthy

you are not a failure

you are not worthless

his love for you is endless

he says you are lovable,

he says you are usable

he says you are irreplaceable, 

how can such a love be?
we can never understand the glory he hold in his hand

we fall so short of his amazing love

Which is when he reminds us he already paid the price

for freedom with his sacrifice

he already broke the chains

and no one can force them on

Out of the darkness I scream these truths for all with ears to hear.

I will not give up
I will choose doubt over hope
though I doubt yet my faith will strengthen
I will not listen to people who complain about the impossible,
Who ever profited by looking at what can't be done?
I concern myself with what can be done.
I trust with all my heart in the only one who can save me, and the only one who will
I will love my fellow man, even when it's hard
I choose life, I choose to fight back against fear, and foolish behavior
I seek wisdom, I seek peace, and I seek purpose
Above all else I seek God, because who other than him could give me those three things?
I may wrestle with him, I may have my bad days, but he is faithful, and he does love me. His love is so great he sticks around even when I hurt him. He loves me despite the fact that sometimes watching my struggles must be painful to him. Yet though these things cause him pain he sees the wide view. He knows the purpose for these tests. He knows what I need to learn and because I have asked him I will receive it (or have) and will move on.
I choose thankfulness. I'm thankful for my family and friends. They are reliable and caring when the whole world seems against me. I am thankful for what small comforts I can find in this place. I'm grateful for this peace that consumes me right now. I'm grateful for the fact that joy comes in the morning. I'm so amazingly thankful that this season WILL come to a complete end. I am so very thankful that his timing will be perfect. I believe good days are right around the corner. I believe a better life is something I can reach for. So long as I can dream, so long as I can love, and so long as I can think I am riding this roller coaster of life for every thrill and amazing thing it has.
I am more secure in who I am and what I am today than I have been in my entire life. Though I may present as a mess, I'm a beautiful mess to me, and to God. He doesn't count the hurts, he counts the blessings, and he counts the times I have said yes to him. The times I have managed to be faithful. As for my problems, he will remove those he has planned to remove, and he will use the rest to remind me to love others. I didn't know what it was like to love with such reckless abandon until I reached a point that love was the greatest gift I had.
This is where I am, this is where I have been, and this is where I'm going. I'm not done yet, oh no! My best days are right in front of me. I will find joy in the midst of pain, and purpose in the midst of disaster. These things must sound so silly to those that haven't seen. Well don't just take my word for it, ask him to redeem your life, to make your scars speak of fighting for right.
Goodnight beautiful people, I hope I can bless some of you tomorrow!

uncomfortable questions that I need answers for

So I am involved in a fervent quest for answers to my questions. I bring them here because I think that someone else must have the same questions.

First of all, is it God's will for good things to happen in my life?
Look, I can say without a doubt he loves me. That isn't what I am asking.
I know without a doubt that he has the POWER to change my life so it isn't agony.
I know that he eventually will make things better. HOWEVER, it may not be in this world. The book says PLENTY on him loving us and wanting to give us good things. The thing is, that could mean after we die. I am finding more and more saying that life is short term, and death is the release. So why don't christians kill themselves. If we take a scripture and what God is doing approach we have to accept that God wills us to go through trials and pains to test our faith. Why? Fuck if I know, he's God, he does shit. Or sometimes he DOESN'T do shit. But just because he doesn't do shit sometimes doesn't mean he loves us any less, saavy?

It just means that it's a different kind of love. He is totally okay with us going through temporary pain if it exhibits his glory effectively. So, at least so far I have no findings to support that living is a good thing. No verse in the bible backs it up. Life will suck for some people and not so much for others, there is no justice in this. There is no logic, good people suffer as well as bad. He just wants us not to hurt others while we are in trial. He wants us to take the hit over and over like a man and not spit blood on the people he is busy blessing.

Disprove me, PLEASE. I hate this conclusion. I hate life as it exists for me as well. However there is no comfort for the pain deep in my heart in realizing that perhaps it's not going to end, perhaps death is the only release. I can't kill myself because that would hurt people, you see? Living is the most clever prison ever devised for a compassionate loving creature. You can't leave, and it's not getting better. Sucks doesn't it? Don't you wish God would let you die? Well, he can't do that, not in his nature..... Well, he can do that, but most likely he won't do that. I've been asking for years and as you can see by my continued posts I haven't received the gift of death.

a moment of supreme frustrating doubt

I know what my folks would say, they would say I should sleep because I need sleep. Well by that logic I should eat, because eating keeps me alive. I should go to work constantly because work produces results and results make the world better. Yes logic is easy when you take out pain and frustration.

I can totally explain God's goodness with this logical bit: If I have seen God's goodness I cannot deny his love. If I have seen God's power I cannot deny it exists. If I believe that he has this personal love for me and have experienced it I must logically assume that he will use what power he has to effect things for my good.

But then there is the moment in which what is good for me is not what I want. I am in agony right now, emotionally, physically, I cannot stand this place I am in and I long for oblivion and death. I would rather not exist than be here. Yet I have been cursed to exist as such. Which comes to an argument I had today with my mom. She said  "wake up in the morning and thank God for blessing you with another day to live". You do not understand, as I told her. Another day to live is another day in pain. I know he COULD liberate me that day, but what are the odds?

I have been waiting on him for months while throwing myself passionately against the problems in my life. Now I am standing and waiting, surrendering my life to him. It HURTS. I see no sign it will ever stop except for when I get really lucky and pass on. That's the best it gets for poor and depressed people.

anyway I found this while searching for "is he capable but not willing?" which is my biggest faith question. I have heard it said many times and believed it to be true that he is all powerful. I know he loves me. I know he has a plan for my life. The bible SAYS that he will answer all our prayers that we bring to him through supplication. Yet here I am, waiting to die because the only future I hoped for was whisked away and God has nothing for me here.

I can logically conclude no other thing. Because if he is all powerful, he can do it. If he is loving he will take care of me. If he cares about my feelings he would lead me out of agony. No, all I hear is "accept that this is it and your life is over", Ok, Done. I'm ready to die. Haven't shopped for a coffin yet, because that would be morbid.

anyway I found this argument against his existance and though I believe he exists, the points are strong for my position.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? 
Then he is not omnipotent. 
Is he able, but not willing? 
Then he is malevolent. 
Is he both able and willing? 
Then whence cometh evil? 
Is he neither able nor willing? 
Then why call him God? 

Change these lives campaign.

I know I have never asked you for anything. So I'm going to be very careful about the way I approach this campaign here. I want you to, after you get done reading this, navigate over to the page I will share at the bottom of this post and check it out.

Now, first of all you don't owe me anything and I'm not asking you SPECIFICALLY for money. I've shared myself on this blog out of my own heart. I'm doing this because this is my personal set of issues I've been dealing with for a long time. It's time to try and solve it. I want you to check it out because my readers are like my family. I feel like you guys have a pretty good idea what is good and what isn't. I know that if it is something that puts pressure on your heart you will contribute.

If not financially you could always get the word out and pray about this. I'm taking a huge step out on faith here, your support is key to making this happen. I believe it will happen regardless of what some people say, but I know that the more support I get the better shot I have of reaching my goal. This is my first attempt at using crowd sourcing but it's much closer to what I feel is a correct approach to money. This issue is still in God's hands for me, I'm just making room for God to work through you.

More specifically this is about removing an obstacle that is clogging up my life and moving forward. That's the root of it, but as you'll read on the campaign page there is so much more.

The main display is now in the sidebar, but here is a direct link:

http://igg.me/at/changetheselives/x/5126735

also here is my campaign video:

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