So I had one of my typical anxiety nightmares last night. I was over at my parents talking to them about their situation, and Dad is going on about how great everything is. I just kept having this uneasy feeling about the whole thing. At some point I go back to his old office he had when I was a kid (his new office is in a different room), and I see that the computer is being controlled remotely. It turns out that he is involved in some kind of pyramid scheme. He's invested all their money in this scam...
Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.
I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.
----
So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.
I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.
But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.
The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.
So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.
I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.
These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.
2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.
3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.
4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.
5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.
That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.
Then I meet his "business partner" who turns out to be a tall, skinny very smooth man. I keep telling him my concerns and he keeps telling me how he understands how I feel, but that's the way it is. It becomes obvious to me he's not sorry. He says something really offensive, and then he says how he is shocked I haven't hit him.
I realized that I hate him, he ruined my life, my family's life and he isn't even sorry. I beat the crap out of him. Eventually other people come around and carry his limp body away. I then keep trying to convince the people how evil this guy is, but he's been so charming it's really hard. Around then I woke up. I thought they were just about to believe me.... but they didn't.
----
So I had to analyze this, I was very anxious at the end of this dream. Even waking up I felt the pain of being screwed over. I knew it was a metaphor and I figured out I was still angry at someone. Without much hesitation I thought of what I am angry at: corporations.
I generally don't think I am that angry. I love people. I try to be kind to everyone I meet. But I hold no regard for the companies that make a profit while.... well while what happens to me happens to me. It's hard to explain, because it's been building for so long. When I was growing up I was moved to Oklahoma because my parents needed jobs here. Then that and a few more companies fired my Dad, and never because of something he did, but because of downsizing. I somehow entered the work world and had a few years hopping from job to job. I found a few places I was almost happy.
But because of the total lack of interest the companies had in my contentment I never stayed long. I tried to after I got married, but that didn't work. When I refused to leave no matter how bad it got, the companies made sure I left. This was a contributing factor to my divorce. It took me two years to go back to work. I went back and eventually found a place I really was happy. I stayed there my longest ever for a year and a half. I had done part time for that long before, but that was working for friends and family.
The way that ended still hurt me. Conditions reached a point I did not feel I could keep myself safe or my patients. Despite being good at the job, loving my patients and enjoying many days there, it was agony to leave. The thing is that when your options are jail or unemployment, you pick the one you can recover from.
So in both metaphorical and direct ways a number of companies have been involved in what is wrong with my life. In many of those cases I did not hate the persons working for that company, I hated the company. What's more I would repeat to myself that this is what they do. This is what companies do for a profit.
I'm not saying that hurting over any of that is wrong. I am however saying that I need to learn to forgive to honor my agreement with God. If I cannot forgive others, I can't be forgiven.
These are my thoughts on my anger towards them:
1. The system is flawed. They may very well be evil. The bible says "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities". However it also says to forgive and pray for your enemies. It also says to love your neighbor. I know hate is a cancer that will kill as sure as a bullet. So for myself more than them I need to forgive.
2. Every company is different. I know good businessmen, and good companies that I have some trust for. Black and white thinking is a thinking error. I can't say all businesses are bad.
3. It's entirely possible what has been blocking God from moving me to the next step is the anger I have inside. If that is the case, that alone is a good reason to let go.
4. The past is impossible to change. So until I get a time machine I have to move on.
5. I have people who care about me now. I have people who believe in me and it's not honorable to them to hold anger inside.
That's my start. I hope I can figure out how to forgive and let go. I hope things get better. Staying angry won't make them better. One day at a time.
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