So it seems like pretty much a constant that as soon as ambition rears it's head in my life so do these great wall of obstacles.
I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.
It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"
No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.
Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.
Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.
That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.
I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?
No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.
I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.
It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"
No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.
Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.
Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.
That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.
I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?
No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.
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