no one to talk about this shit with anymore

This isn't about that no one cares about me, seriously, that's not what is going on. My parents and girlfriend are wonderful people who care about me more than anyone should. Seriously.

I'm just so sick of not mattering. It's not a matter of not being treated well, everyone who can take care of me is TRYING to get me better. It's a matter of how God and the world treat me. I've asked, I've fucking BEGGED God to do something, anything to change things. Things haven't changed.

I'm playing a saturday night service running in the background, so if I quote it, it's from victory tulsa saturday night service... cool?

"God is not finished with me yet"

ok, where is the fucking evidence for that? Sometimes God must be finished with someone. How does he communicate that to us? Does he let us die? Maybe not. Maybe he just leaves us stranded waiting to die. Now let's look for scripture.

How is that? actual scriptural basis for this shit:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

There are SO many things in this that are contrary to my life in christ..... if you can call it life, it's more like the end of my fucking life.... as we wait for it, let's take this apart.
"I am sure of this"
The writer is so sure of what he is about to say. I can't imagine a level of God being there that suffices for me to be sure of his love. I am so far from seeing that. If there anything I can say for sure right now it is that I am not sure of what value or purpose God has in placing me in this place. He has shown how little value he has for me by completely allowing the enemy to have total hold over my life. In his eyes I cannot imagine me holding value.

"God will bless you because you are hated" PFFFT!

Let's try and bring this down to understandable terms. While I do this I admit that God's ways are higher than my ways, and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. If God so wills as to correct or instill better wisdom in me let that be the way it is.

Imagine there was a very very wealthy man. This is a man who has the resources to do whatever he wants, literally. This man buys two cars. One car is a limited edition rare sports car. He pays a high price at auction for this car. He values this car so much he puts his own personal time into fixing it up, he cleans it daily, he parks it in a temperature controlled garage and cherishes it as a true example of beauty.

Let's talk about the second car. This car has some miles on it, it's old, it's not looking that great. Well, he only bought it on a whim, and he's spending all this time and effort on the first car. He leaves the second car in the care of a servant known to be reckless. He lets that car get wrecked, and leaves it out on the lawn to the wind and the weather, the storms rust that car until it is not even recognizable as a car.

Which car does he value? Which car matters to the rich man? Does he have fucking plans for the second car, when he cares SO LITTLE that he lets all manner of damage happen to it? Which car do you think you are to God? If you go to church they want you to buy into that you are the first car. We can't all be a limited edition. We can't all be Martin Luther, JFK, Ghandi, or the Pope. Some of us probably don't matter.

So what? What now?

thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

Dangerous line of thought

I wrote the first part of this on 3/5, the narrative and second bit on 3/6
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So last night I was thinking (obviously, lots of good writing done yesterday).

I was kind of mulling over my life, as I have been for the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy. So the question is how to be happy.

I don't mean bad things never happen, that's an unrealistic goal. The goal is a general state of contentment that leads to an overall sense of joy in my existence. So, what makes me happy.... short list:

Girlfriend
Intoxication
Writing
Video Games
Dog (and cat)
helping people

I think I've made a pretty good attempt to help people for a living. The general process to get to help people is tons of school which educates the person in everything except of course the job they are doing. It's abnormally hateful and awful.

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*written narrative* At this point the teacher decided to spring a pop quiz on the already tired and quite irritated Max. Following a 10 minute break in which Max called his mother and questioned the utility of school in the first place, the professor subjected the class to a lab quiz. Having answered the questions to the best of his ability, Max attempted to wait for the professor to reach the point. Professor was unable before Max went into a long panic attack about the general state of his studies. The professor seemed to take joy in announcing to the class that it would be a long class. Max considers suicide.... goes home, kisses girlfriend, gets laundry, meets up with Nikki..... goes back home...... washes dishes, makes dinner..... goes to bed.

We continue on the next day.
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Oh, forgot to mention the nightmares in the narrative. I dreamed I was living out a dead space game, which generally illustrates the terror my life has acquired. I had another dream that I kept showing up in bathrooms but the toilets instead of disposing of feces were spewing more of it out.

I hope that captures well the terror that I have living in my situation. I now live in an upside down world in which toilets work the exact wrong way. Toilets could symbolize people, systems, work, take your pick. Regardless it is a huge anxiety when what was supposed to dispose of the unwanted instead deposits more of it in your life.....

Life goes on.
I'm trying to get around to saying I want to do something more fulfilling. Something meaningful perhaps. So far I know I want to write and create, but I have to pay the bills. I'm wondering if there is something less agonizingly stupid than medical education.

We'll see.

How are you?

I have been thinking about this sentence for some time because it really matters to how I relate to people. I'd like to think that my observations on this matter will at the very least scratch some psychological itch. At most maybe the reader can relate.

I live in northeast Oklahoma. The area is known as green country. I live smack in the middle in a city called Tulsa. I've discussed it before, but this is important detail. Departing from most urbanites the Tulsa approach to city life includes fake bonding and fake kindness. Some might blame the churches, others the poverty, and still others might point an accusing finger at the climate.

Whatever the reason it seems I find myself walking through public areas with people who know me only distantly asking me what I consider a personal question. They ask me how I am.

It might just be my mood today but I really don't know how to properly answer for myself. The standard answer "fine" is a bald faced lie for me. I'm not fine. It is when I think about it a case of things being very far from fine. I'm really shocked I'm still alive today to have this conversation. But equal apathy keeps me from expressing this emotion. The apathy on their part is that while they want to appear concerned, they aren't invested. My apathy is sourced in my total distrust in the human race to appropriately respond to my status.

So I end up saying "not so good". Then they say "a case of the Mondays?"
I respond "sure, I just had a weekend..."

Somehow that is enough. Somehow it doesn't matter that I'm feeling like a run over piece of rubber. Or that I really can't be sure I'll be there to see them next time. Somehow social convention covers that.

Then when people do kill themselves all their friends say "we never saw this". I'd challenge those with depressed loved ones to actually want to see their loved ones as they are. Those of us in this boat are tryingg to treasure our remaining time. I don't want lectures on how it is selfish. Pain is a selfish feeling. It's a feeling that things aren't right and they should be better. It seems to me that feeling such pain over things being so not as they should be logically leads to the point that you deserve to not be in pain. No one I have met will stand behind this. Pain just is. So is time. In time it will go away. For now I'm watching and waiting. Watching to see if I can do anything. Waiting to see if God or anyone effects anything in my life. Waiting for salvation or death.

Optimism is a cancer, Hope is poison, and this crappy world isn't worth the effort to draw F***ing breath

I'm seriously depressed, pissed, and tired of trying to pretend any of this shit is going to be better. As I said aptly earlier it's not that I don't have friends or those that love me, it's that they are way outnumbered by everything that is set to break me down. Pray for me if you think that will work. Hopefully God will pull me back from the brink, I'll let you know. More likely I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. This is killing empathy for me.

I watch the "horrible" news, people are dead, politics is crap, people that try hard fail and are murdered. My thoughts generally? Fucking suck it up. There's no hope for the future, death is a sure thing, and frankly the only fucking blessing there is for the poor. If you're christian it's the only way you'll ever get to fucking choose where you live, what you eat, or to be healthy or happy. So hats off to death, the best plan our leaders have for poor people. Maybe we should have babies and sell them to the rich, I mean, if there's money in it why the fuck not? Why not expand prostitution? I mean no matter what you do in this shithole you're sucking corperate dick. I've gotten over my gag reflex over that, or doing unethical behaviour for a paycheck, why not just be a total whore? Makes a man wish he was a woman, there are options....