thoughts on God "fighting for me"

So today my mentor asked me "what if you did leave God, what would that look like?" Which of course is a direct response to my description of my faith as it is right now..... pretty broken, not alot of hope around here..... fighting to hold on or to figure out what on earth I'm supposed to do to actually have a relationship with God.... I've been over this here, read my earlier posts.

Then, when I was still in the coffee shop this girl walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper. My initial reaction is "a girl's number? that's cute, but I'm taken and not really the time."

Then I looked at it. It said:
"He's fighting for you. You're good." With a picture of a sun.

 I'd upload a pic but honestly my computer and blogger are giving me enough trouble trying to type.


So my initial thoughts on reading this were some mixture of "that's precious" and "we'll see"

As I've thought about it, it really bothers me. I'm so sick of people trying to give me a boost, or of fricken encouragement to continue this battle that I'm so tired of. If he's fighting why is my blood all I see on the ground? If he's fighting then why can I not write because of this ANNOYING laptop.

OK! Laptop rant. Don't buy Asus, because every computer I have gotten from them has been progressively worse, with this one taking the cake. My first four were stolen. So I came back to them because I had loyalty.... which is now gone. I would say the same about windows at this point but you can't not use windows..... there's too many programs we need it for. Apple ownership does not suit me due to price and attitude.... I don't want to act like I'm better than people because I paid double what the hardware was worth for a machine that doesn't act like it's mine. You can't even install linux on these new laptops, windows messed up the boot menu. Windows 8 is a tablet OS forced onto traditional hardware to disturb traditional users. It's like if you cooked lobster like beef.

Anyway, spiritual issues.

So my point is that why am I seeing no results if I am being fought for? Where is this supposed love? Why am I being pushed to the point that when he says he's fighting for me all I feel is anger that he didn't put his best into trying to save me? Where is the wisdom, the strength, the comfort and most of all the answers he promises so often? Now my general perspective of his flock is a bunch of sheep being led by wolves, there are SO many shysters who don't care at all about people, or faith, they care about lining their pockets. I saw one today promising God would heal if you just ordered his healing kit which included a book, a few cds and a "healing drive" which was full of mp3 teachings on healing. This is pure profiteering on the misery of others. Those of us who are living with the misery of waiting on God, questioning all we thought we knew, wondering what our worth is when he leaves us in the dark so long.......

It's hard to have a relationship when you feel devalued and disrespected. If this was ANY other relationship in my life I would have walked away at this point. If this was ANYONE other than God I would not accept this level of apathy and this treatment of value.

I guess I should give air to the opposite view. It's entirely possible that the reason for all this pain is to refine me into something more.... like fire refines gold. That's really poetic..... it's romantic crap, but poetic. look, I'm not in the mood to defend a position like this. I'm tired, feeling useless, unloved, and so sick of waiting.

I know from earlier this week that the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick but hope fulfilled fills the heart to overflowing is true. I received my coat and it was one of the few moments of pure joy I've had this year so far.

So I'm waiting. I wanted to express my frustration and anger at being told something that I cannot see, and which I have sincere doubts I will see. When I see it, I'll see it. When God decides the time has come to answer.... that will be a different day.

For now all I can say is that as long as I have passion and strength it is his, even if he doesn't honor the gift it is still my honor to give it. On the day of judgement I will stand and be able to say that my beautiful poetic words were deleted by a crappy computer. I will say that I didn't turn despite the overwhelming amount of good reason that I should have. I can say that I tried, I gave my best and I sought him. I can only hope that honor and righteousness will win out in the end. I'd love to see his glory in this life..... we'll see, as I've said many times, when he delivers this will be part of my testimony, how much pain I went through waiting. If that can save even one life it would be worth it.

aint it grand (music hall delights!)

So if you have been reading thus far you know I've been doing some amateur research on old music. I had discovered that quite a few  gems of my developing years were actually covers of turn of the century music hall tunes. Music hall is kind of like vaudeville. It's an important step in the development of the modern entertainment world, and there is sparse data on both. Some of the covers might be obscure, and of course coming across them on my budget is an even bigger stretch.

Here is one that I discovered in a classic rock collection that turns out to be a cover of music hall.


Oh Mr Porter turns out to be about a loose woman, but Herman's Hermits altered it to be about them.... which is totally natural.

Here is the latest version of my favorite music hall song: Proper cup of coffee




Now I could work a bit harder and try to find Henry the 8th (an original music hall recording) but so far I am yet to be satisfied in this area.

I have of course been building up to my favorite find of the day, and that is "Ain't it grand to be bloomin well dead". It hits all the great buttons. It's morbid, funny, obscure and British.

So without further ado, here it is:



With Lyrics:
AIN'T IT GRAND, TO BE BLOOMIN' WELL DEAD!
by (Trad) arranged by Leslie Sarony
Lately there's nothing but trouble, grief and strife
There's not much attraction about this bloomin' life
Last night I dreamt I was bloomin' well dead
As I went to the funeral, I bloomin' well said,
Look at the flowers, bloomin' great orchids
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at the corfin, bloomin' great 'andles
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

I was so 'appy to think that I'd popped off
I said to a bloke with a nasty, 'acking cough
Look at the black 'earse, bloomin' great 'orses
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the bearers, all in their frock coats
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at their top 'ats, polished with Guiness
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

Some people there were praying for me soul
I said, 'It's the first time I've been off the dole'
Look at the mourners, bloomin' well sozzled
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the children, bloomin' excited
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at the neighbours, bloomin' delighted
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

'Spend the insurance', I murmered, 'for alack
'You know I shan't be with you going back.'
Look at the Missus, bloomin' well laughing
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
Look at me Sister, bloomin new 'at on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!
And look at me Brother, bloomin' cigar on
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

We come from clay and we all go back they say
Don't 'eave a brick it may be your Aunty May
Look at me Grandma, bloomin' great haybag
Ain't it grand, to be bloomin' well dead!

The lyrics were provided by a pretty cool site:
http://www.trasksdad.com/MusicHall/

Not only do they have lyrics to many hard to find songs, they also have many of the songs themselves playable from the site. Now if I know the internet this wonderful thing won't last, so won't you please cruise by and give them some traffic, maybe some encouragement to continue. This is pop art people, and this history is disappearing faster than it can be preserved.

There, that's my pitch. Go help the arts, it's pretty much the only beautiful thing left in the world and the workers in it are often unpaid and unappreciated.

In other news I had a nice meeting with my mentor today, and saw my former mentor as well.... everyone is praying for me, per usual. Interesting side note that a girl overheard my conversation and slipped a note in my pocket saying God is fighting for me.... sweet thought. I'd love to see it. For now the night wears on and I want to go enjoy it. More later!

Dangerous line of thought

I wrote the first part of this on 3/5, the narrative and second bit on 3/6
------------------
So last night I was thinking (obviously, lots of good writing done yesterday).

I was kind of mulling over my life, as I have been for the past few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy. So the question is how to be happy.

I don't mean bad things never happen, that's an unrealistic goal. The goal is a general state of contentment that leads to an overall sense of joy in my existence. So, what makes me happy.... short list:

Girlfriend
Intoxication
Writing
Video Games
Dog (and cat)
helping people

I think I've made a pretty good attempt to help people for a living. The general process to get to help people is tons of school which educates the person in everything except of course the job they are doing. It's abnormally hateful and awful.

---------
*written narrative* At this point the teacher decided to spring a pop quiz on the already tired and quite irritated Max. Following a 10 minute break in which Max called his mother and questioned the utility of school in the first place, the professor subjected the class to a lab quiz. Having answered the questions to the best of his ability, Max attempted to wait for the professor to reach the point. Professor was unable before Max went into a long panic attack about the general state of his studies. The professor seemed to take joy in announcing to the class that it would be a long class. Max considers suicide.... goes home, kisses girlfriend, gets laundry, meets up with Nikki..... goes back home...... washes dishes, makes dinner..... goes to bed.

We continue on the next day.
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Oh, forgot to mention the nightmares in the narrative. I dreamed I was living out a dead space game, which generally illustrates the terror my life has acquired. I had another dream that I kept showing up in bathrooms but the toilets instead of disposing of feces were spewing more of it out.

I hope that captures well the terror that I have living in my situation. I now live in an upside down world in which toilets work the exact wrong way. Toilets could symbolize people, systems, work, take your pick. Regardless it is a huge anxiety when what was supposed to dispose of the unwanted instead deposits more of it in your life.....

Life goes on.
I'm trying to get around to saying I want to do something more fulfilling. Something meaningful perhaps. So far I know I want to write and create, but I have to pay the bills. I'm wondering if there is something less agonizingly stupid than medical education.

We'll see.

Does God Show Up?

I thought it might interest some of my readers that I searched this term before beginning to write. What I found in the end was the same dreck I've been wading through for months.

First come those who are certain. There are many articles about how faithful God is, how he loves us, which I have spent countless pages explaining is little comfort to those of us still waiting. Then there are those that have given up on God, who are trying to pull down everyone they can to complain how God didn't do whatever for them.

Both miss the mark for me.

I don't ask this question because I don't know who God is or what he is capable of. Take note of the word capable, we'll come back to that. I don't have any doubt that there is a God, or that he loves me. I doubt what's going to happen next, because no one can tell me anything useful. It seems much the purpose of most of the drivel that comes out when people talk about the walk of faith to fill your mind with stupor so that you must say "it's too big for me to understand, let God work this out". Which of course spits intellectual seekers of the faith right out.

The other side holds no appeal either. I do not desire to be a quitter. The pure science approach doesn't work because in science there is no hope for the poor and the hopeless. Life simply goes on. In this approach good and bad don't happen for any reason.

I want to talk more about the word capable. How do I know God is capable? He has been before and he doesn't change. I will say right now that means exactly squat when you are hurting. Knowing there are firemen and that they have hoses makes no difference when your house is burning down. I have seen him in other's lives. I have even on some occasions seen him work in my life. What I wouldn't give to see that now and in response to my living needs and prayers.

I had a moment last night to mourn the passing away of my previous hopes and dreams. Again I came back to wondering where God is. For so long I could not imagine how I could stop seeking and stop believing that certain things would happen. I believed so fervently that God would answer my prayer. Yet, here I am, poor and hopeless, with about as much chance of seeing my dream as I do of being given a new car. In these times as those dreams begin to drift away like a ship in the wind, never to return.



It's not impossible for God to show up. Not even a little bit. I will say even more that God is even more capable when my pride is down. In fact almost anything he might do in my life would be an improvement.

I do not see him, and that doesn't mean he's not there. I'm waiting for the day to post how God showed up and kicked butt in my life. Nothing short of my dreams rising again from the dead would make me as happy as being able to write about the abundant and everlasting blessings God brings to my life. May what I describe now in the abstract become the real, and may the pain I feel now become abstract and foreign to me.

Optimism is a cancer, Hope is poison, and this crappy world isn't worth the effort to draw F***ing breath

I'm seriously depressed, pissed, and tired of trying to pretend any of this shit is going to be better. As I said aptly earlier it's not that I don't have friends or those that love me, it's that they are way outnumbered by everything that is set to break me down. Pray for me if you think that will work. Hopefully God will pull me back from the brink, I'll let you know. More likely I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. This is killing empathy for me.

I watch the "horrible" news, people are dead, politics is crap, people that try hard fail and are murdered. My thoughts generally? Fucking suck it up. There's no hope for the future, death is a sure thing, and frankly the only fucking blessing there is for the poor. If you're christian it's the only way you'll ever get to fucking choose where you live, what you eat, or to be healthy or happy. So hats off to death, the best plan our leaders have for poor people. Maybe we should have babies and sell them to the rich, I mean, if there's money in it why the fuck not? Why not expand prostitution? I mean no matter what you do in this shithole you're sucking corperate dick. I've gotten over my gag reflex over that, or doing unethical behaviour for a paycheck, why not just be a total whore? Makes a man wish he was a woman, there are options....