I had ambition, it drove me for so many years. The thought that if I got through today, someday in the future would be edifying. It was driving, but it was also an invitation to anyone involved to take advantage. They knew I wouldn't quit, because I owed it to myself. No more.
Being more or less dead for almost a year changes a man. The big thing to me was when I asked them to work with me on my health issues, and they rejected me. That was the final nail in the coffin of me trusting an employer. They claimed to be about health and balance, but their actions confessed otherwise.
This morning it is cold, rainy, and a little bleak. I did my treatment plan update in therapy this morning, never a pleasant task, yet has to be done. It also means I barely processed my week. I've been writing this self esteem journal, gotta wait another week to process that.
Right now I'm locked up, even the things that had functioned as escapes aren't working right now. Major flaw in the present focused mindfulness era; if today is miserable, that becomes your world.
I have no more to give, not to people who can't appreciate it. To my mind, that includes most employers. Dad was putting pressure on me trying, so I make a show of trying. In reality, I'm barely holding on, and I struggle to tell others about it.
like I'm arguing with myself about how much self care I want to do. If I had boundless energy I'd go for a bike ride, take a shower, and cook dinner. Things not being that way, I'll be ambitious if I manage to get my laundry done and dinner.
Upshot we replaced the sink. It's a little thing, but it feels so much better. We ditched the garbage disposal, it rarely worked anyway, for a normal drain. The sink itself is stainless steel. Also got the car up and going again. Last week I had the radiator replaced and oil changed. Today I filled her up with gas and put the fuel line treatment in. Now all that is left is body work, which is also the case for my truck.
The truck is a roadblock RN, I can't get the hood open and the battery is dead. We've joked about the truck being roughly representative of my own well being. It's accurate; it sits in the driveway, just as potent and beautiful as always, but immobile, a gravestone of the function that was.
Today's rain came with dirt. Everything outside is really gross. Oklahoma, the gift that keeps on giving. Which makes me think of the biblical story; "If your son asked for some bread, would you give him a snake?" goes the rhetoric, my reply "In Oklahoma, not only would a snake be provided, but taunting and blame for being foolish enough to expect better." The inconsistency of a highly Christian state that resembles Christ less than anywhere else I've been.... agony.
No comments:
Post a Comment