This evening has been a serious test of my patience, and my belief in my personal survival. The problem is localized on one particular area, 11 hours of my day were GREAT, then in 45 minutes it was all gone. All the peace, all the security and hope in sustainability for the near future was gone so quick. I had managed my resources SO well, but an attack came just the same. That is the nature of my current situation, peace is not at the end of the day, peace is when I leave oklahoma. Peace may not even be then. Peace might be something we just dream and talk about until we die. Death may be the only peace. As ever God has his reasons, and he knows what he's doing. I trust him. That does not prevent me from loathing to my core his decisions. It also doesn't give me any understanding of his process. If there even is a process. Perhaps his supremacy just is, it exists like gravity. Honestly, his current course of action (inaction as observed by the layman) is enough to drive one to become a deist. A Deist believes that God is separate from the activities of the world. Like he just set up the universe and let it run wild. It's like a very focused agnostic.
What is more frustrating is how active dark forces are. While God's activity is invisible to me I can very clearly see the darkness. I can clearly perceive the attacks intensifying as I seek God with greater fervor. Would that God was as visible in his activities towards me. I know he's working, and I know he loves me. If his love was as larger than life as the enemy's hatred of me...... the stories would be dwarfed by his magnitude. The biblical test would be feeble in comparison to his majesty. As yet the text is my only reminder of his so called majesty. I have faith in his majesty, I just have observed very little of it. Ugh. I'm so tired of being his. He seems to hold so little regard for me. Yet he won't let me die. What a paradox! Yet he can live it, because his reason is superior to very reality.
One day God will show up. On that day there will be peace. Of course he's already here and working, but one day that work will be made known. Oh to see such a day, my heart aches.
What is more frustrating is how active dark forces are. While God's activity is invisible to me I can very clearly see the darkness. I can clearly perceive the attacks intensifying as I seek God with greater fervor. Would that God was as visible in his activities towards me. I know he's working, and I know he loves me. If his love was as larger than life as the enemy's hatred of me...... the stories would be dwarfed by his magnitude. The biblical test would be feeble in comparison to his majesty. As yet the text is my only reminder of his so called majesty. I have faith in his majesty, I just have observed very little of it. Ugh. I'm so tired of being his. He seems to hold so little regard for me. Yet he won't let me die. What a paradox! Yet he can live it, because his reason is superior to very reality.
One day God will show up. On that day there will be peace. Of course he's already here and working, but one day that work will be made known. Oh to see such a day, my heart aches.
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