I've been thinking about writing out a list of rules and reminders about how to stay alive when there is no future, the past has nothing to lend, and God remains silent.
Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."
The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).
I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/
I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.
I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.
See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.
As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.
Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.
Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.
Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."
The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).
I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/
I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.
I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.
See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.
As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.
Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.
Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.
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