What works:
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
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