So much I long for, and so out of reach.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment