I don't know where I am anymore. I had to let go of everything. To start with I'm a pretty detached fella, I have an escape plan that I'm slowly putting back together... more on that another time. I've just reached a point with God that.... it's not that I don't believe, I just don't fucking care anymore. I believe he can do anything, but what fucking difference does that make to me? If he doesn't do it, it doesn't make even the tiniest difference.
Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.
I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.
Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.
I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.
Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.
Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.
My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.
Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.
I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.
Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.
I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.
Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.
Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.
My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.
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