It's interesting watching myself change over time. Losing Lindsay has been a long wrenching process for a number of reasons. I believe that at some deeper level I loved her. I always will, no matter what she does. Yet time changes many things.
First there's how I speak about the relationship and the loss. In the beginning I could hardly speak about it. I didn't want to be reminded of her even a little. The problem was that everything reminded me of her. Now very little reminds me of her. I have gone through and surgically removed every connection between her and who I am. My past is more complicated. I've come to the conclusion to discuss the relationship as an ongoing event that happened to be happening while other things were going on. Like how the history books discuss the 1930s. In January 1935 Amelia Earhart set off on her historic journey. Meanwhile in Nazi Germany the German air force was created in March of that year.
More in depth is the philosophical approach to what was going on in my life. I think that the larger part of the loss/grief process has to do with me having to come to peace with a number of things. At the time I was with her I thought I could force things to happen. I thought that through force of will alone I could hold my marriage together. I also believed the same in faith and finances. I seriously have no idea what my relationship with God was at the time. Some of my peers think about their wandering times about the drinking and partying. For me wandering was marrying the wrong woman and trying to be average and middle class. I tried so hard. I prayed so hard. Nothing at all added up.
Now my take on life is much different. I realize my own abilities are in different directions than I thought. The power of the word "No" has been a game changer for me. I've learned that when life throws you a curve ball you can just leave the field. I learned that I don't have to stay in toxic relationships. People stopped defining me. Jobs stopped defining me. I took two years off from all of it and had a blast.. not spend the rest of my life kind of a blast, but a pretty fantastic time.
Finally the thing that I just realized. Seeing her face causes me no different feelings at all. Which to me means I've let go.
First there's how I speak about the relationship and the loss. In the beginning I could hardly speak about it. I didn't want to be reminded of her even a little. The problem was that everything reminded me of her. Now very little reminds me of her. I have gone through and surgically removed every connection between her and who I am. My past is more complicated. I've come to the conclusion to discuss the relationship as an ongoing event that happened to be happening while other things were going on. Like how the history books discuss the 1930s. In January 1935 Amelia Earhart set off on her historic journey. Meanwhile in Nazi Germany the German air force was created in March of that year.
More in depth is the philosophical approach to what was going on in my life. I think that the larger part of the loss/grief process has to do with me having to come to peace with a number of things. At the time I was with her I thought I could force things to happen. I thought that through force of will alone I could hold my marriage together. I also believed the same in faith and finances. I seriously have no idea what my relationship with God was at the time. Some of my peers think about their wandering times about the drinking and partying. For me wandering was marrying the wrong woman and trying to be average and middle class. I tried so hard. I prayed so hard. Nothing at all added up.
Now my take on life is much different. I realize my own abilities are in different directions than I thought. The power of the word "No" has been a game changer for me. I've learned that when life throws you a curve ball you can just leave the field. I learned that I don't have to stay in toxic relationships. People stopped defining me. Jobs stopped defining me. I took two years off from all of it and had a blast.. not spend the rest of my life kind of a blast, but a pretty fantastic time.
Finally the thing that I just realized. Seeing her face causes me no different feelings at all. Which to me means I've let go.
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