I'm going to try to draft and publish this in a single day. Of course I started drafting this earlier this week at home (in my head). I was home for a few days due to flooding. I read an article by one of my personal heroes, John Scalzi (scalzi.com, or just search whatever on google). In it he summed up some of his best pieces of the year. This is why I want to be like this man, because none of what I have written this year measures up to his average day. At the same time I am more than a decade younger than him, and not classically trained. I write because it's the only art I feel like I could be great at. He writes for a living. In contrast I don't think I could write for a living. That is a rabbit trail for another day, we have stuff to get through before midnight.
I think I'll do my personal review then talk about my personal feelings about new years, this past year, and marking the passing of time.
This time last year I was jobless, having just finished my worst semester of school. I was the same number of credits from graduation as I am now (about 9). I still think I'll get it done. At the time I just wanted a job to take advantage of my physical abilities. I noticed I couldn't be happy sitting for a living. Of course the dream would be doing something intellectually challenging AND physically challenging. I wanted to be a cable installer.
Now looking back I'm glad things happened the way they did. Not because this job has met my intellectual goals (it hasn't), but how I realized working for a monopoly was a rather relaxing thing. To be clear we subcontract for a utility monopoly. Another benefit has been the relative lack of customer contact. I did like the challenge of customer service however I see now my success here and at shadow mountain came from a basic fact: I like having the power to say no. I like being able to optimize my life for productivity, not to satisfy others. I did of course prefer the mountain for emotional fulfillment, and for challenge for that matter. There was no future there however. Here I have a future.
In personal news I finally read (well listened to) a great deal more Isaac Asimov than I ever had patience for previously. I kept it on for background noise many days and in that time I read all but one of the Foundation books. I reread the entire Harry Potter series and gained nothing apart from how very peaceful listening to that makes me feel. Another year gone is also another year of stability in my relationships. My fiance and I are doing as well as I could have ever expected a mature relationship to be. In other news I stabilized my chemicals, figured out the balance of anti-depressants and stimulants it takes to get me through hard days. I am also making progress on learning to live without.
I can't think of anything else. I don't want to talk about the tragedies in depth. Our cat died, and shortly after so did my Granddad. Her granddad passed as well, and in all cases the pain was separate from me. I guess I expected different things from my granddad's passing, some kind of closure. He just passed one day when I was gone. Heck I was more involved with losing the cat. The cat was actually more heartbreaking only because of shock, she was only 2, and that's young for a cat to become incurably sick.
In 5 years of keeping this blog for therapy purposes I have never looked back in a ritualistic way. In the past I guess I thought that I would recap when we won. Sort of how General Lee in the civil war wouldn't accept the rank of general until he won the war... Since he didn't win the war, I guess that makes the title honorary.
It's more about memory for me than about looking back. I have come to the realization that I am going to be stuck on this planet a long time. Memory is a short term thing, even long term memory that we like to think isn't. For example I can't consciously remember my ex wife's face or voice. I can still remember how she felt to be around, but I don't know for how much longer. There are some things I refuse to fully record, when I forget them they will die. I doubt she even thinks about me. Heck, if I had won I wouldn't think of her much. I doubt general Grant thought much about Stonewall Jackson.
I don't mean to imply the war is over. Actually I don't mean to imply that Lindsay was my enemy. Life isn't that simple. Frankly I have always been my greatest adversary. The whole debacle wouldn't have happened if I wasn't weak, if I didn't have those holes in my armor.
It's been 5 years and I realize now that I'm not owed victory just because of being right. Not even because God promises it. Victory from his perspective could mean something entirely different than how I define it. Victory for him is me seeking him. Actually on that point he himself is my reward, so theoretically in spiritual terms I won. I win quite a bit in actuality. I have all the bells and whistles I could want. There are just a few things I keep seeking. I'm not even entirely convinced I am seeking them out of desire. God is my desire. I just have to keep my hands busy until he finds something better to do with them.
I think I'll do my personal review then talk about my personal feelings about new years, this past year, and marking the passing of time.
This time last year I was jobless, having just finished my worst semester of school. I was the same number of credits from graduation as I am now (about 9). I still think I'll get it done. At the time I just wanted a job to take advantage of my physical abilities. I noticed I couldn't be happy sitting for a living. Of course the dream would be doing something intellectually challenging AND physically challenging. I wanted to be a cable installer.
Now looking back I'm glad things happened the way they did. Not because this job has met my intellectual goals (it hasn't), but how I realized working for a monopoly was a rather relaxing thing. To be clear we subcontract for a utility monopoly. Another benefit has been the relative lack of customer contact. I did like the challenge of customer service however I see now my success here and at shadow mountain came from a basic fact: I like having the power to say no. I like being able to optimize my life for productivity, not to satisfy others. I did of course prefer the mountain for emotional fulfillment, and for challenge for that matter. There was no future there however. Here I have a future.
In personal news I finally read (well listened to) a great deal more Isaac Asimov than I ever had patience for previously. I kept it on for background noise many days and in that time I read all but one of the Foundation books. I reread the entire Harry Potter series and gained nothing apart from how very peaceful listening to that makes me feel. Another year gone is also another year of stability in my relationships. My fiance and I are doing as well as I could have ever expected a mature relationship to be. In other news I stabilized my chemicals, figured out the balance of anti-depressants and stimulants it takes to get me through hard days. I am also making progress on learning to live without.
I can't think of anything else. I don't want to talk about the tragedies in depth. Our cat died, and shortly after so did my Granddad. Her granddad passed as well, and in all cases the pain was separate from me. I guess I expected different things from my granddad's passing, some kind of closure. He just passed one day when I was gone. Heck I was more involved with losing the cat. The cat was actually more heartbreaking only because of shock, she was only 2, and that's young for a cat to become incurably sick.
In 5 years of keeping this blog for therapy purposes I have never looked back in a ritualistic way. In the past I guess I thought that I would recap when we won. Sort of how General Lee in the civil war wouldn't accept the rank of general until he won the war... Since he didn't win the war, I guess that makes the title honorary.
It's more about memory for me than about looking back. I have come to the realization that I am going to be stuck on this planet a long time. Memory is a short term thing, even long term memory that we like to think isn't. For example I can't consciously remember my ex wife's face or voice. I can still remember how she felt to be around, but I don't know for how much longer. There are some things I refuse to fully record, when I forget them they will die. I doubt she even thinks about me. Heck, if I had won I wouldn't think of her much. I doubt general Grant thought much about Stonewall Jackson.
I don't mean to imply the war is over. Actually I don't mean to imply that Lindsay was my enemy. Life isn't that simple. Frankly I have always been my greatest adversary. The whole debacle wouldn't have happened if I wasn't weak, if I didn't have those holes in my armor.
It's been 5 years and I realize now that I'm not owed victory just because of being right. Not even because God promises it. Victory from his perspective could mean something entirely different than how I define it. Victory for him is me seeking him. Actually on that point he himself is my reward, so theoretically in spiritual terms I won. I win quite a bit in actuality. I have all the bells and whistles I could want. There are just a few things I keep seeking. I'm not even entirely convinced I am seeking them out of desire. God is my desire. I just have to keep my hands busy until he finds something better to do with them.
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