5 years later and it still hurts. My ability to trust was irreperably damaged. My heart ripped out of my body. 5 years later and I'm still waiting for life to make sense again. Still waiting for the God I thought I knew to return. In this wasteland, yet does God waste anything? I'm told no.
I feel like a zombie, I should have been dead so long ago, what am I doing walking around? I want to not care, but I can't be so cold. I want to act like I'm broken, but he had to heal me... I had to be a good steward of what I have. Why do I feel like I've screwed up so bad, when every step of the way I've made the best choice I could, given what I knew at the time.
Maybe I'll never have it figured out. Maybe I'll be waiting, stumbling, falling and fumbling until I fall into the grave. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm an adult human with way more education than my economic situation deserves. I made the choices. I married the woman, I bought the house, I didn't go to college earlier. I turned down the drugs in high school. I focused in the wrong area, not once but many times. The whole time I prayed, but it seems I prayed the wrong prayers.
I keep hoping he'll make it all make sense. I keep hoping today will be the day. Not because it makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense. Faith doesn't make sense. But after a lifetime of making choices that made sense at the time, it seems like being reasonable isn't that much of a ground to stand on. I feel so lost, and only one can lead me out of the wilderness. Only one can take my hand and lead me home, to a peace on earth. To tranquility and a place where dreams are more than just dreams. He can do more than even I can think of. My heart still long and hopes to see it happen.
I feel like a zombie, I should have been dead so long ago, what am I doing walking around? I want to not care, but I can't be so cold. I want to act like I'm broken, but he had to heal me... I had to be a good steward of what I have. Why do I feel like I've screwed up so bad, when every step of the way I've made the best choice I could, given what I knew at the time.
Maybe I'll never have it figured out. Maybe I'll be waiting, stumbling, falling and fumbling until I fall into the grave. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm an adult human with way more education than my economic situation deserves. I made the choices. I married the woman, I bought the house, I didn't go to college earlier. I turned down the drugs in high school. I focused in the wrong area, not once but many times. The whole time I prayed, but it seems I prayed the wrong prayers.
I keep hoping he'll make it all make sense. I keep hoping today will be the day. Not because it makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense. Faith doesn't make sense. But after a lifetime of making choices that made sense at the time, it seems like being reasonable isn't that much of a ground to stand on. I feel so lost, and only one can lead me out of the wilderness. Only one can take my hand and lead me home, to a peace on earth. To tranquility and a place where dreams are more than just dreams. He can do more than even I can think of. My heart still long and hopes to see it happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment