Here's my weird past 24 hours, highlights:
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.
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