I would go back and edit, but this is a log of my progress, yesterday already exists as a moment in time. God has pointed out that I do in fact depend on him. I can't dispute that. He's become an integral part of my functioning. My point stands that he doesn't have to be.
Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him. There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace, materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.
Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him. There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace, materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.
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