Many years after my divorce and I still keep going back to what went wrong. Of course it wasn't just one thing, it was multiple things.
I was listening to a book and some guy completely screwing up a date. I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, there was irrationality on her side. The point is that I recognised the mistakes because I made them. The problem was expectations. I picked this up at a marriage seminar I went to 6 months before mine imploded. It would appear that there are two keys to a successful relationship: communication and expectations.
When I was a younger man I did not have a clue how women worked. Today I still don't, but I understand some rules. Honesty is a big fat pile of horseshit, for starters. I'll elaborate: when I think honesty I think Boy Scout classic rules of chivalry style honesty. It ONLY works if you always do every little thing the way you want others to see it.
The big mistake I made with honesty is oversharing with Lindsay. By the time we'd known each other a year she knew every secret and where all the bodies were buried, and I thought I knew the same amount about her. I don't think I did, I think she edited because in my experience almost everyone edits. Women in my experience are attracted to a sense of mystery. I ruined all of it way too early.
The kind of honesty that works(apparently) is what I call "answer any question" honesty. I have sworn an oath to be honest and not deceptive. I keep my promises. However just because I have to be honest doesn't mean I tell everyone everything. Sometimes I tell people most of the truth(customers and companies especially), with a good dash of that certain things are true from certain points of view. The rest I tell what I feel like and let them ask about anything else. I have more than a decade of adult life behind me, and it would take me years to tell all my stories. Most of my stories aren't even worth sharing(too depressing). To keep my honor pure I answer direct questions with true answers.
It started in recovery, a christian recovery if you can believe it. They told us in group that sharing completely was best done in group, and that our spouses and families wouldn't understand. It took years for this to make sense to me. I mean, my wife would understand everything about me... she's my wife... she loves me.... Love only goes so far, and marriage doesn't mean unconditional support anymore. Part of growing up is learning just because one person has honor doesn't mean anyone else does.
Expectations though are the real big guns of relationships. Take my current set up. My fiance expects a level of emotional involvement I can do any day. She expects a very rational level of support and intimacy. She loves me very much. I expect rational things of her, she does her best, and I love her very much.
Things weren't always so, because I didn't know how to set the expectation. The minute the first date starts expectations are in flux. Most of it is unspoken and I call it "the relationship contract". Where guys get caught up is trying to impress a lady. They pull a politician move and promise high. Which will impress and catch a certain kind of lady. I have never understood some men's attraction to spoiling naive women. They are convinced they need to lie to go to bed with a lady. I have never needed to lie to go to bed with a woman, though I've met a few who lied to me.
When you're setting up the relationship contract who you are is on the table. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men see what they want and go for it. If you try for the big sale but aren't selling what is essentially you, women can sense it. Some will give you the time to prove them wrong, but even then you're running against an impossible standard.
If you say you have money, they're going to want you to pay for things all the time. If you portray yourself as compassionate they expect you to be in touch with their feelings. Many of them start building out a narrative of expectations they have. They want a house, they want kids, they want you to buy them a car. As soon as you step off script it is very hard to regain footing, if not impossible.
Summing it up, don't promise what you can't deliver. There are plenty of women out there who all you have to say is something to the effect of "I like sex, you are very attractive and I would enjoy doing it with you. I don't intend to form an emotional bond or relationship, let's just have some fun." Believe it, I've done it and it works(worked, I've been in a relationship for a few years, but women don't change.)
I was listening to a book and some guy completely screwing up a date. I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, there was irrationality on her side. The point is that I recognised the mistakes because I made them. The problem was expectations. I picked this up at a marriage seminar I went to 6 months before mine imploded. It would appear that there are two keys to a successful relationship: communication and expectations.
When I was a younger man I did not have a clue how women worked. Today I still don't, but I understand some rules. Honesty is a big fat pile of horseshit, for starters. I'll elaborate: when I think honesty I think Boy Scout classic rules of chivalry style honesty. It ONLY works if you always do every little thing the way you want others to see it.
The big mistake I made with honesty is oversharing with Lindsay. By the time we'd known each other a year she knew every secret and where all the bodies were buried, and I thought I knew the same amount about her. I don't think I did, I think she edited because in my experience almost everyone edits. Women in my experience are attracted to a sense of mystery. I ruined all of it way too early.
The kind of honesty that works(apparently) is what I call "answer any question" honesty. I have sworn an oath to be honest and not deceptive. I keep my promises. However just because I have to be honest doesn't mean I tell everyone everything. Sometimes I tell people most of the truth(customers and companies especially), with a good dash of that certain things are true from certain points of view. The rest I tell what I feel like and let them ask about anything else. I have more than a decade of adult life behind me, and it would take me years to tell all my stories. Most of my stories aren't even worth sharing(too depressing). To keep my honor pure I answer direct questions with true answers.
It started in recovery, a christian recovery if you can believe it. They told us in group that sharing completely was best done in group, and that our spouses and families wouldn't understand. It took years for this to make sense to me. I mean, my wife would understand everything about me... she's my wife... she loves me.... Love only goes so far, and marriage doesn't mean unconditional support anymore. Part of growing up is learning just because one person has honor doesn't mean anyone else does.
Expectations though are the real big guns of relationships. Take my current set up. My fiance expects a level of emotional involvement I can do any day. She expects a very rational level of support and intimacy. She loves me very much. I expect rational things of her, she does her best, and I love her very much.
Things weren't always so, because I didn't know how to set the expectation. The minute the first date starts expectations are in flux. Most of it is unspoken and I call it "the relationship contract". Where guys get caught up is trying to impress a lady. They pull a politician move and promise high. Which will impress and catch a certain kind of lady. I have never understood some men's attraction to spoiling naive women. They are convinced they need to lie to go to bed with a lady. I have never needed to lie to go to bed with a woman, though I've met a few who lied to me.
When you're setting up the relationship contract who you are is on the table. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men see what they want and go for it. If you try for the big sale but aren't selling what is essentially you, women can sense it. Some will give you the time to prove them wrong, but even then you're running against an impossible standard.
If you say you have money, they're going to want you to pay for things all the time. If you portray yourself as compassionate they expect you to be in touch with their feelings. Many of them start building out a narrative of expectations they have. They want a house, they want kids, they want you to buy them a car. As soon as you step off script it is very hard to regain footing, if not impossible.
Summing it up, don't promise what you can't deliver. There are plenty of women out there who all you have to say is something to the effect of "I like sex, you are very attractive and I would enjoy doing it with you. I don't intend to form an emotional bond or relationship, let's just have some fun." Believe it, I've done it and it works(worked, I've been in a relationship for a few years, but women don't change.)
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