Interesting things happen when I pray. Not so much in a spiritual sense, or not yet anyway. More interesting in a philosophical way.
I was talking to God about this book I'm reading about "follow your dreams with God's help". Essentially thus far it's the same things I already know about it. God is capable of anything, even our huge dreams. God's with us when we fall. We come up against major resistance when we try and seek God. This I know. These things I know from experience.
In the end however only one thing could survive my current spiritually toxic environment, either my dream or my faith. I chose faith. I'm not advocating either way. I chose the way I did for purely ethical reasons, not practical ones. It's easier for me to behave ethically and deal with the practical challenges than to behave practically and deal with the ethical problems. So at the moment my belief in, I don't know what to call it... my dream, is in remission. I still very much desire it of course. If there was something I could do to move towards it I would be doing it.
What I realized though is I have no romantic or caring passion. I have passion and energy, because that's who I am. But as far as belief that things are going to get better.... I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how I would feel that way. God will do what he will do and he has done what he has done. My pain doesn't enhance that in any way. So I don't feel it. I'm fully aware of the meaninglessness of things, but it serves no practical point to dwell on it. I've come to terms that God has his ideas of what he should do with me, and eventually I might see them. Until then I keep going on the course I set back when I cared. I know the goals I have and cared about, and those are the ones I'm working on. I don't have any emotions about them now, because I am in total tactical mode. I care about what I have to, and nothing more.
In short my passion has become doing the best I can. I know there is rewarding work, but that is a distraction. I told God that at this point I don't even have a direction to point him in terms of career. I know I would like to care again. I'd like to not live in tactical mode. I'd like to not be dependent on certain organizations and things. My goals line up with those desires. As does my energy. Other than that, there is nothing.
I have gone through the desert, and I have survived. I have not yet reached the edge, and for me the edge is theoretical, as is God's direct movement on these large and abstract issues. I do not doubt his ability, or even his interests. I do not doubt. I deal with what is directly in front of me, and no more.
I was talking to God about this book I'm reading about "follow your dreams with God's help". Essentially thus far it's the same things I already know about it. God is capable of anything, even our huge dreams. God's with us when we fall. We come up against major resistance when we try and seek God. This I know. These things I know from experience.
In the end however only one thing could survive my current spiritually toxic environment, either my dream or my faith. I chose faith. I'm not advocating either way. I chose the way I did for purely ethical reasons, not practical ones. It's easier for me to behave ethically and deal with the practical challenges than to behave practically and deal with the ethical problems. So at the moment my belief in, I don't know what to call it... my dream, is in remission. I still very much desire it of course. If there was something I could do to move towards it I would be doing it.
What I realized though is I have no romantic or caring passion. I have passion and energy, because that's who I am. But as far as belief that things are going to get better.... I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how I would feel that way. God will do what he will do and he has done what he has done. My pain doesn't enhance that in any way. So I don't feel it. I'm fully aware of the meaninglessness of things, but it serves no practical point to dwell on it. I've come to terms that God has his ideas of what he should do with me, and eventually I might see them. Until then I keep going on the course I set back when I cared. I know the goals I have and cared about, and those are the ones I'm working on. I don't have any emotions about them now, because I am in total tactical mode. I care about what I have to, and nothing more.
In short my passion has become doing the best I can. I know there is rewarding work, but that is a distraction. I told God that at this point I don't even have a direction to point him in terms of career. I know I would like to care again. I'd like to not live in tactical mode. I'd like to not be dependent on certain organizations and things. My goals line up with those desires. As does my energy. Other than that, there is nothing.
I have gone through the desert, and I have survived. I have not yet reached the edge, and for me the edge is theoretical, as is God's direct movement on these large and abstract issues. I do not doubt his ability, or even his interests. I do not doubt. I deal with what is directly in front of me, and no more.
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