It's been a long road to this point. At the beginning I remember thinking I could win. I remember having ideals, dreams. These things I now realize are fantasy. Of course there are forces in this world that could effect that type of change, make things like I dream of happen. I'm not one of them.
The season of seasonal depression has come and with it has come the realization that I need to let go of the idea that I could be an elected official. It's not that I'm un-electable (though I think I would be very hard to elect), it's a matter of challenge vs resources. With my level of depression and how I react to stress the level of stress of an elected official is more than I could stand. First off I don't like customer service, particularly I don't like the consuming public's tendency to want two contradictory things. We want better education AND lower taxes. We want lower budgets and tight defenses. These things can't happen. Speaking of I want peace and power, and now I realize those two things can never coexist.
Further I morally cannot be directly deceptive. At the same time as that is true if I am put in a corrupt environment I do everything I can to become invisible, even if that means absorbing corrupt attitudes. Those two things are contradictory to each other.
I'm not certain about any of my other dreams. I know that Gene Roddenberry started his writing career at my age, so it isn't too late for that dream. I just haven't found that sweet spot between work and home life.
The depression makes it really hard to observe reality. At this point I'm just trying to get through until sane and stable again. I know I trust in God, and I trust that he understands the difference between lack of faith and lack of energy to fight. He can do whatever he needs to do. All I need to do is breath, consume fuel, and keep my hands busy. I'm trusting him to help me find a way to do what's right again. Sometimes I just need to fall back on him, sometimes it's okay to be broken, and tired.
The season of seasonal depression has come and with it has come the realization that I need to let go of the idea that I could be an elected official. It's not that I'm un-electable (though I think I would be very hard to elect), it's a matter of challenge vs resources. With my level of depression and how I react to stress the level of stress of an elected official is more than I could stand. First off I don't like customer service, particularly I don't like the consuming public's tendency to want two contradictory things. We want better education AND lower taxes. We want lower budgets and tight defenses. These things can't happen. Speaking of I want peace and power, and now I realize those two things can never coexist.
Further I morally cannot be directly deceptive. At the same time as that is true if I am put in a corrupt environment I do everything I can to become invisible, even if that means absorbing corrupt attitudes. Those two things are contradictory to each other.
I'm not certain about any of my other dreams. I know that Gene Roddenberry started his writing career at my age, so it isn't too late for that dream. I just haven't found that sweet spot between work and home life.
The depression makes it really hard to observe reality. At this point I'm just trying to get through until sane and stable again. I know I trust in God, and I trust that he understands the difference between lack of faith and lack of energy to fight. He can do whatever he needs to do. All I need to do is breath, consume fuel, and keep my hands busy. I'm trusting him to help me find a way to do what's right again. Sometimes I just need to fall back on him, sometimes it's okay to be broken, and tired.
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