I've stated it before, but it bears repeating that there is a major persecution of the poor in this country. Actually, I'm not certain about the rest of the country, but in Oklahoma the persecution is alive and well. My neighbors are using the city to attack me over that I can't fit my truck in my garage, and it's broken. There's a laundry list of complaints which amounts to "stop trying to pay the bank back, stop fighting ALL your other battles or we'll load more debt on you"
I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.
News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.
I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.
News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.
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