I've had a sudden revelation, I understand why fasting works on getting closer to God. I had always thought the theory was that taking away the focus on food allowed us to focus on God.. That's not what I think now.
Today I had an involuntary fast. I lost my wallet (this happens at least once a week). I had to work on through. I thought it was going to be okay, I had my music, I had quality stimulants that kept me from feeling hunger. That was all great until mid afternoon hit.
I had been doing great, distracting myself with work, and suddenly my blood sugar dropped out from under me. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. Then all the hurt and pain came to the surface.
I have no idea if I am coming clean to myself or God, or the entire world. I realized I've been running, and running a long time. A long time ago I was told I was special, every therapist I ever remember talking to said I was going to be a doctor someday, like it was a given thing that I was so smart success was sure to happen. I believed in that, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but not a doctor. By age 15 I had seen more doctors than most people see in their first 30. In my experience they were jerks. I know now that's not the case, I've met a few truly kind and caring doctors to set my view straight. I also know more about why they do what they do, and that I won't ever understand. I realized at a fairly young age I wasn't built right to be a doctor, or a lawyer. To get one of these jobs you have to make years of sacrifice. Sacrifice I'm realizing now I was capable of... am capable of. I just don't love money enough.
Money is the monster at the end of the movie for me. My dad was a workaholic growing up. He made alot of money, and was gone quite a bit for the first 10 years of my life. Then he got laid off. Not once but multiple times. I watched the toughest man I will ever know get taken down. When I got older I found out it was the market that did it. The Dot-com bubble burst and it was no one's fault. I realized somewhere in this journey that I could never rely on money to satisfy me.
So I turned to other things. My first marriage for example. Somewhere along the way I thought that family happiness was the end all be all. Then it all fell apart. I had thought that God would protect me, because I was saying I was following him. I wasn't though, I was following her. Not her fault. Well, me following her wasn't. She has her own faults to answer for... but I have nothing to do with that.
I did some serious self surgery, completely removed the belief in a happily ever after that focused on family. I tried to lean harder on God. He was with me through the recovery, 2 years of my life that I did nothing but heal. Then another 2 years chasing the dream of helping people. Yet the one dream I always had was freedom.....
My heart still hurt. 10 months of this job has given me way too much time to talk to myself, and to God for as much as that counts. The thing I can't seem to let go of is my failure. Like when my marriage fell apart.... I have to wonder where I went wrong. People like me don't end up in places like this, not without a serious substance addiction. Yet I got here in 10 short years. I don't believe that it is that I'm not smart enough, because I have put my entire mind on trying to conquer the situation. I can't do it, which is my way of saying I haven't found a way to. I know very well that God CAN, but will he? I don't know that. I know at this point very well that life isn't going to hand me whatever I ask for. Neither will God. I have to figure some things out myself. Usually the only way I know whether I do or I don't is if I do it or don't. If I don't, I know God is strong where I'm weak....
I just don't know who I am anymore. I had this image of myself, a force of nature, someone unstoppable. I had this image that I was likable, smart, and physically strong. I was (am) everything I was taught a man should be.
All I can say is God knows what he's doing. He cared enough to redeem me. He cared enough to heal me. I have to believe that he didn't save me just to have me endure endless humiliation and emotional pain. The world has failed me, in every way. Even other people fail me, people make mistakes. God doesn't. I just have to keep marching, trust that my God has a plan. I'm afraid, and tired, and hurt and broken. But I believe in him. I believe he can redeem anything and anyone. I believe that as long as I speak faith he's on my side... actually he's on my side even if I denied him. He's just able to do much more with faith. I also know that I don't have the whole story (thank god), and he's still writing it. There are things happening that I don't know about. And he's heard and answered every prayer, and there have been so many.
Today I had an involuntary fast. I lost my wallet (this happens at least once a week). I had to work on through. I thought it was going to be okay, I had my music, I had quality stimulants that kept me from feeling hunger. That was all great until mid afternoon hit.
I had been doing great, distracting myself with work, and suddenly my blood sugar dropped out from under me. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. Then all the hurt and pain came to the surface.
I have no idea if I am coming clean to myself or God, or the entire world. I realized I've been running, and running a long time. A long time ago I was told I was special, every therapist I ever remember talking to said I was going to be a doctor someday, like it was a given thing that I was so smart success was sure to happen. I believed in that, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but not a doctor. By age 15 I had seen more doctors than most people see in their first 30. In my experience they were jerks. I know now that's not the case, I've met a few truly kind and caring doctors to set my view straight. I also know more about why they do what they do, and that I won't ever understand. I realized at a fairly young age I wasn't built right to be a doctor, or a lawyer. To get one of these jobs you have to make years of sacrifice. Sacrifice I'm realizing now I was capable of... am capable of. I just don't love money enough.
Money is the monster at the end of the movie for me. My dad was a workaholic growing up. He made alot of money, and was gone quite a bit for the first 10 years of my life. Then he got laid off. Not once but multiple times. I watched the toughest man I will ever know get taken down. When I got older I found out it was the market that did it. The Dot-com bubble burst and it was no one's fault. I realized somewhere in this journey that I could never rely on money to satisfy me.
So I turned to other things. My first marriage for example. Somewhere along the way I thought that family happiness was the end all be all. Then it all fell apart. I had thought that God would protect me, because I was saying I was following him. I wasn't though, I was following her. Not her fault. Well, me following her wasn't. She has her own faults to answer for... but I have nothing to do with that.
I did some serious self surgery, completely removed the belief in a happily ever after that focused on family. I tried to lean harder on God. He was with me through the recovery, 2 years of my life that I did nothing but heal. Then another 2 years chasing the dream of helping people. Yet the one dream I always had was freedom.....
My heart still hurt. 10 months of this job has given me way too much time to talk to myself, and to God for as much as that counts. The thing I can't seem to let go of is my failure. Like when my marriage fell apart.... I have to wonder where I went wrong. People like me don't end up in places like this, not without a serious substance addiction. Yet I got here in 10 short years. I don't believe that it is that I'm not smart enough, because I have put my entire mind on trying to conquer the situation. I can't do it, which is my way of saying I haven't found a way to. I know very well that God CAN, but will he? I don't know that. I know at this point very well that life isn't going to hand me whatever I ask for. Neither will God. I have to figure some things out myself. Usually the only way I know whether I do or I don't is if I do it or don't. If I don't, I know God is strong where I'm weak....
I just don't know who I am anymore. I had this image of myself, a force of nature, someone unstoppable. I had this image that I was likable, smart, and physically strong. I was (am) everything I was taught a man should be.
All I can say is God knows what he's doing. He cared enough to redeem me. He cared enough to heal me. I have to believe that he didn't save me just to have me endure endless humiliation and emotional pain. The world has failed me, in every way. Even other people fail me, people make mistakes. God doesn't. I just have to keep marching, trust that my God has a plan. I'm afraid, and tired, and hurt and broken. But I believe in him. I believe he can redeem anything and anyone. I believe that as long as I speak faith he's on my side... actually he's on my side even if I denied him. He's just able to do much more with faith. I also know that I don't have the whole story (thank god), and he's still writing it. There are things happening that I don't know about. And he's heard and answered every prayer, and there have been so many.
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