The latest attack on my sanity and peace of mind came while I was BEGGING God to relieve the pain I was already in. I am so tired, frustrated with begging him to save me. Once was enough. He knew my request before I even made it the first time 5 years ago. So he could have prepped a solution at that point. AH but that's were the language is interesting:
Ask and it shall be ANSWERED
That's right. So this is his answer. Either "wait" or "nope". How can a loving God who shares our suffering allow pain and suffering to go on further?! I know I've attacked this 9 ways from sunday. The fact is I can never know on this plane of existence. His ways are his ways. He has a plan. He will either answer my prayer for rescue or let me die. And best part: I DON'T CARE WHICH!! HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE DOES AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! IN FACT LET'S JUST NOW BE GLAD WITH NOTHING!
Praise you oh lord, for you provide for my needs. You give me food so I don't starve. You give me water so I don't die of thirst. You give me shelter to protect me from exposure. Actually you give me all the above things so that I cannot succumb to my pain and die. Praise you Lord for your wisdom is eternal. Praise the God of all, observer of pain! Praise God, receiver of prayers! Praise God, who's timing leaves many humans broken and desperate! Praise the God who delights in our devotion even as his long lasting silence and apparent apathy torture our hearts! Praise the God of long delays, who delights in eternal life while we suffer mortality. Praise the God who created such self destructive people! God who created in us not only a great capacity to sustain pain, but also a great capacity to dream, because if we didn't dream we would just assume pain is the standard and move on. Praise God who torments us with his ability to cure our infections, lift us from despair, and relieve our suffering! Praise his wisdom and power in his reluctance to use that power. Praise his timing, because someday he'll feel like doing something. Save us Lord, we're tired of growing, we'd like some peace. Save me Lord, you know best, and I am so small. I realize just how much I need you when I hurt this distinctly. Save me from these horrible men. Save me from the forces that bind me. Free me. Let them see you. Lord show me a world with justice, where the evil don't win. Show me your victory, make me part of it. Let me free and let my freedom stand out.
Ask and it shall be ANSWERED
That's right. So this is his answer. Either "wait" or "nope". How can a loving God who shares our suffering allow pain and suffering to go on further?! I know I've attacked this 9 ways from sunday. The fact is I can never know on this plane of existence. His ways are his ways. He has a plan. He will either answer my prayer for rescue or let me die. And best part: I DON'T CARE WHICH!! HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE DOES AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! IN FACT LET'S JUST NOW BE GLAD WITH NOTHING!
Praise you oh lord, for you provide for my needs. You give me food so I don't starve. You give me water so I don't die of thirst. You give me shelter to protect me from exposure. Actually you give me all the above things so that I cannot succumb to my pain and die. Praise you Lord for your wisdom is eternal. Praise the God of all, observer of pain! Praise God, receiver of prayers! Praise God, who's timing leaves many humans broken and desperate! Praise the God who delights in our devotion even as his long lasting silence and apparent apathy torture our hearts! Praise the God of long delays, who delights in eternal life while we suffer mortality. Praise the God who created such self destructive people! God who created in us not only a great capacity to sustain pain, but also a great capacity to dream, because if we didn't dream we would just assume pain is the standard and move on. Praise God who torments us with his ability to cure our infections, lift us from despair, and relieve our suffering! Praise his wisdom and power in his reluctance to use that power. Praise his timing, because someday he'll feel like doing something. Save us Lord, we're tired of growing, we'd like some peace. Save me Lord, you know best, and I am so small. I realize just how much I need you when I hurt this distinctly. Save me from these horrible men. Save me from the forces that bind me. Free me. Let them see you. Lord show me a world with justice, where the evil don't win. Show me your victory, make me part of it. Let me free and let my freedom stand out.
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