dark day

I want it to be known that this is the darkest day my faith has faced. I hope this is the darkest it gets, maybe someday I'll look back and say "yes, that was the point right before the turn around"
I've been reading about David, his psalms about when he was running from Saul, and his story in Samuel.

ANYWAY. Today I have been attacked for my faith and for being someone that really cares about people getting better. For doing God's work today I was attacked. I just want to contrast this.
Today the woman I realize I still hurt over got married in a beautiful ceremony in the church I always dreamed of getting married in, to a man she is deeply in love with.
On one hand, for odd reasons, loving her on some level, I'm happy for her. I'm happy she found love. Sorry I couldn't give it to her, but she looks very complete. I've certainly never been that. And she DOES deserve it, so I assume so does he. She's had a great faith walk for the last decade and this is the fruit of that. I hope someday God loves me enough to give me such love.
The thing that makes me upset is the contrast. She, and many others that I love, are expecting HUGE blessings, children, marriages, new homes and happiness in other forms. I have joy knowing that I don't have to worry about them. On the other hand it upsets me how I am fighting to stay alive. It upsets me how hard it is for me to keep my job even when (today demonstrates especially when) I do my best. Those over me are apathetic at best. At worst, well today I observed that it seems likely they are under the influence of evil spirits. I don't believe that a human being can be as cruel and heartless as some people in my company are. Not naming names. It takes all I have to control my anger over what they do on a daily basis.
Honestly, I don't know how to take anymore.
As Psalm 69 says: My voice is rough from calling for help, and I don't see God on the horizon.

It doesn't say God isn't there, he is. He's everywhere. At this point however, I'd do anything for freedom from this oppression. I'd rather die than take one more step. But I don't get a choice, because for various reasons my death isn't in my hands. Yet anyway. A father of a patient suggested I go shoot stuff down by the lake, and I had to say it's not advisable for me to handle firearms, there are FAR too many problems I would be tempted to solve with a gun. I hope I wouldn't, but I don't trust myself.

If it's darkest before the dawn then the dawn must be coming soon.
If this is a sign of things to come however, I wouldn't make any long term plans about having me around.

hurting doesn't always die

First I guess I'll say it appears I am a success at work. I don't want anyone forgetting that.

Sometimes, for some reason I just sit back and am sad. Today there are a number of reasons. One, I'm still here. A number of problems with that. It means God still hasn't provided a way out. It means my heart is still beating and I'm not dead. I asked God to kill me rather than live this life, but he hasn't done anything on that score yet either.

Laurel is getting married. It's not the first failure I ever experienced in the romantic world, not by a long shot, but it's the first time I really gave my all, really TRIED, and fell flat on my face. If she hadn't rejected me I wouldn't have married Lindsay, I know that.

I loved her right after high school, turns out she never loved me. Which the point has been made isn't really love. I don't care, it still hurt. It still hurts that she found someone better. I guess what really bugs me is that I haven't found someone better. Seven years and I still have no idea where I'm going or what God has planned. I'm sad. But God loves me anyway and I'll take it down as an offering to him.

Here's today's music:

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That usually makes me cry. Goodbye dreams of a future with Laurel. Goodbye.

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So I'm going to lay this down as an offering to the Lord. I know one way or another he'll let me free someday. Either he'll free me on this earth or he'll let me die and come home to heaven. Honestly I don't care which, I just hope it's soon.

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Inner peace

Inner peace is knowing that every day is another step forward.
Inner peace is taking the challenges in your life and growing from them.
Inner peace is seeing pain and trying to bring love to it.
Inner peace is not about pushing to get your way.
Inner peace is not about judging others because of your own ego.
Inner peace is snatching victory from the jaws of defeat time and again. There is no defeat, not when our trust is in something higher. When the worst they can do to you will still make you win, when you can see all things working out for your good in spite of (or even because of) your troubles, you've taken your first step into a larger world.

I praise God this night. I praise him in the face of everything going as much not my way as possible. I lift up my life and faith as a living sacrifice knowing he will return it a hundred fold. His love endures forever. Though many would try to stir up trouble, their trouble cannot take me down. Because there is no down. Down is an illusion that people have who don't know God. Lose your job, lose your wife, lose your house, what do you have? Fewer distractions. When all else in the world falls away God will still be your anchor and your solid ground.

Tonight I lift up my friends, I know this time is hard for them. I lift up those I'm trying to minister to. Finally, I humbly lift up my own situation. This remains hard for me. Without him it wouldn't get easier, but he can deliver, he can overcome, and he will. He says to stay rooted in faith and lay claim to his promises. That I am doing. I keep looking around at the darkness, knowing that darkness comes before the dawn. Sometimes the Lord has to extinguish the worldly light so he can ignite a heavenly one, if that makes sense.

I made a vow, and I'm recording it here because I want it set in writing, that when he puts me in a place of high resources or money I will not put on status as if I should boast of material wealth. Material wealth is the tool, salvation for the masses is the goal, well, part of it. But I vow that I will not try to impress people with my wealth. If they are impressed I will tell them of God's power and will, I'm not the author of any of the wealth. It's all about him, not me.

a little song mix to go with previous post

I thought a little music would help add to what I already said:

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I think it should be obvious why I picked this one. I know now that I wouldn't have anything if the Lord didn't love me so well. If you know me you should know I don't subscribe to the illusion that a person should lessen himself by telling himself he is nothing. You are all you will ever have, and what is in your head is the path you walk. However, God is the one that can lay out a path. He sets aside things for us.

I wanted to share this verse, Philippians 4:11-13

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

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I just love me some country done ironically by an alternative rock legend. The message is good.

I think I'm developing a theme here.

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Dark star..... this song paints a picture of how it really feels to be alone. Sometimes it might seem like we're on a spaceship, watching the rest of the world float by, which brings us to our next tune:

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Red Dwarf taught me many things. It's a stupid Brit comedy show from the nineties, but it approaches space in an entirely different way than it had been before, apart from in Dark Star. What if you were stuck in deep space, no women, no society, with little hope of ever seeing real people again. All you have is a few guys that become your friends. Well in the series they have a ton of laughs and really make you want to hang out with these guys, even Rimmer.

The key is to not take things too seriously.

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This is a good series if you haven't seen it, some good laughs. Really you need to be high to totally enjoy it, but sometimes it surprises you. I also suggest Rifftrax to people who enjoy such things. One of my long time suspicions is that my bosses who don't like me would shoot me into space.......... but no such luck yet.

looking back....... I can see where I was in his hand all along. I found some pictures of me at 22...... I looked in a bad way, but sexy after my way. I know that was a dark place in my life, but I lived through it. I'm still here, for better or for worse.

where next? The unknown wastes of the waiting place

I see now that like a seemingly endless ocean the waiting seems to have no end.
The key word is seems. For years or months or days you can travel the waters and it looks like the sea which tosses you about has nothing but more of the same. But every voyage must come to an end, and everything eventually washes up on dry land. To the Jews at the time of Christ the sea was symbolic of something that is uncontrollable and seems in defiance of God. So Jesus calming the waters was as much a symbolic message as a literal one. As was the walking on water miracle. The message here is that it does LOOK like it's going to rip you apart. However, God is in control. If we ask, he will help us ride out the storm. He will calm the waters, or better still help us walk out on them. Nothing, absolutely nothing is too big for him. It's all insignificant compared to what he's already done. He's raised the dead, freed slaves, delivered battle after battle to people that should lose because of inferior numbers. He cured the sick, made lame beggars walk and the blind see. Every time someone tries to put him down he gets stronger. Even being put in the ground didn't phase him, it all worked out for his plan to save the lost. He sacrificed it all, and he is the most loving one you'll ever meet.

At the moment, look, I'll be honest, it can seem pretty bleak around here. I see bugs everywhere, I'm fighting a cold, and my finances aren't much better. I've been waiting three years and I'd wait thirty more because I know he's got something better in store for me. See, you can't crush me because he that is in me is stronger than he that is in the world. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. You can't beat me, because I've been so far down I couldn't see up, and I've been so lost I didn't think I'd ever be found. I've seen and heard things that make grown men shake in fear, and I've taken it more calmly than anyone could. I've survived more and come out stronger and smarter. God's been by my side since the very beginning, he answers my prayers, and he'll answer this one too. When you see him show up he'll show you what God can do.

What no one gets is how literal the fact is that he is my source. He created everything, no matter how you slice it. He invented resources, do you think anyone who loves him and asks will really lack? He invented water, who can thirst who knows God? He put minerals in the earth, the animals in the field, men wouldn't have anything if he hadn't made it first. He is the source and he knows where it will all go. No man who walks with the Lord is lost. No, and though his timing is difficult to understand, it's for the best, he counts the cost before he make the investment. He makes sure you are READY for the blessing before he gives it to you. And oh, when he gives it to you, when God pours out his love on you, your heart overflows. Simple words can explain it. When God shows up nothing on earth can contain it. His abundance is the greatest spring there's ever been. He humbles great nations and makes mountains of men. He said if you believe in your heart that he will answer your prayer, in his abundance, you'll move mountains. He wants to establish you and set your walls with precious stones. He calls us beautiful in his sight. Beautiful, how wonderful it is to be called beautiful by one who sets the standard of beauty. How great to be loved so much that you can't ever understand it or measure up. You don't have to! He loves you just the same. You can get lost, doubt him, think that it's all over, he's just waiting. Waiting for you to come for his comfort. He knows that even the worst hurts of your life aren't too big, not when he covers you with his grace. Even those that cause fear shall fear he who loves you.

I have met monsters and one thing I know, they fear God. Ohhh they do. They try to tear apart good men, because they fear God will use good men to drive them from the earth. He will too, they are quite right. A good man is God's weapon, God's foot soldier. He can call on the power of God and change things. God relies on good men to show the world who he is. We can't let him down on this. Oh how I long for a generation of men so filled with a sense of duty that they would be good if only as a reflection on their creator. If evil things have set themselves against you, you must be something amazing. The evil one does not waste his time attacking people doing what he wants them to do. He doesn't attack those who aren't effective, he saves his worst weapons for those he really is scared will change the world. His weapons may be subtle. He may attack you by letting you settle for less than the best God has for your life. By convincing you that you have gone as far as you will ever go. But God has more, and if you miss it you'll miss the best thing in your life. I thank God so completely for letting this life rip away everything that is less than the best. Take my wife, take sex, take drugs, take anything that tries to get between me and him. Because when we're on the same subject going the same direction..... what could be better? His love endures forever. Try him. Don't try to get him to perform like a circus monkey, try loving him. If you can't love ask him for his love, he'll give it to your freely. He'll even show you where you missed that he was loving you all this time. He was waiting for you. He's waiting for you now.

 He might keep you waiting, but he knows as well as you will by the time he's done that good things happen while you're waiting. You don't want new wine, the best wine has been developing for years. Even now they are making fresh wine that will be bottled up and stored away, some for a year, some for five, some even for ten or more. Then one day a rich man will go out to eat. The waiter will offer him a vintage wine, vintage 2013. He might ask the waiter "Oh, 2013? Is that a good year?" And I can tell you, it is a very good year. It is the year the Lord has opened my eyes wider than they have ever been opened. I know that soon enough, as soon as he is ready he will uncork the fine wine of life and experiences I've been waiting my whole life to see and do. 

FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT

Right, I just actually looked and somehow my earlier post "How did it come to this" had some broken vids, which RUINED the joke. SO I fixed it. Why am I telling you? SO YOU GO BACK AND LOOK! Yes, you are missing out. Also, while I've got you here, let me share some of what is on my mind today on the lighter side. 

So, BOXXY!

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What is the deal with this chick? I'm not mega into stuff like this, but my best friend Nikki showed me and I thought "If I was a chick I might do this, provided I was hot" Would I be a hot chick? I hope so. I'd be CRAZY tall though with super long legs, and they would go all the way up if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean. Sexy legs, that's what I mean.
I dated a chick like this once. She was cray cray. She thought she was pregnant when we had not been together. I mean, I think I'm a stud and all, but I don't think I can get a woman pregnant by looking at her, if I could.......... that would be some sort of super power. Also, I'd have kids, which I DON'T hahaha, no kids. Happy not a fathers day. See, in my mind not a fathers day is every day you wake up without a kid screaming in your ear to buy him ice cream and play Lego with him. Sad part is that sounds amazing, I'd love to have a kid to play lego with. Le-sigh.

I didn't plan to add this one, but it just said WAOH LOOK AT ME I'M A SQUISHY!!

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Yeah, the music is GOOD! I'm nuts about music. Did I tell you that my kids tell me I'm a good rapper? One of these days I'll write a rap for you and share a video of me RAPPING!! (internal debate where I think about rapping for the camera....... let me finish giving you some AWESOME, then I'll try and make my own AWESOME and share THAT!)

So, THIS:

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I want to be the mad hatter when I grow up. Did I say I took dance lessons when I was a kid. "Why did you do that max?" Because I wanted to be a pirate/cowboy when I grew up you silly person, isn't it obvious?

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At this point I'd like to share that "Yes forward on the foe, yes forward on the foe! Yes but you don't go!" is pretty oft sung in the Malcolm home, especially on workday mornings when I'm trying to get myself to the gym.

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Trust me you can thank me later when I legalize everything!
It's unclear what the idea was behind creating this video. I think it has to do with Vermin Supreme and being a political TROLL. Did somebody say the magic word? YES!
BAM!!

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so, this next video answered the important question in my life "why do I keep attracting women like I do?" Because this is what I think I sound like...... in female form. I'm definitely this into myself. I'm this nerdy, and I'm pretty sure I'm this annoying.

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actually that is currently why I'm not posting the rap, if someone actually asks I have recorded a few cuts of me rapping Loser by Beck. Wow, this reminds me of my ex wife.... when she was awesome..... at any rate I'm sure I've dated someone JUST LIKE THAT.
....... and then...... Max figured it out that BOXXY IS CATIE
*mindbomb*
I totally have a crush on Catie..... but Boxxy is a little frightening. I feel like I learned something valuable here...... about people being more than they appear....... giving kids a break and that they will grow out of shit............ I mean I date younger women, it's something I do habitually and I have no idea why. So maybe younger women are still growing up and will eventually become super cool late 20s people that are more fun to hang with. JUST sayin.......

man I did not want to get that deep.... I'm sort of waiting to go hang out with this girl......... I don't want to get into it but since this is my blog and it chronicles my life I'll say we've been dating for three weeks, she seems kind of sweet, Jasmine my hound love baby likes her. It's another case of "was attracted to her mentally, then saw a picture and was like "well...." then met her anyway because I'm trying not to be shallow. I'm really trying.

SHE OFFERED ME DINNER!!! So today I worked out super hard and I NEED FOOD GRRAWR!
I'm going to leave you with an AWESOME song clip. Yesterday they told you would not go far, that night you open and THERE YOU ARE!!
http://www.ishtarthemovie.com/downloads/RogersAndClarke-There'sNoBusinessLikeShowBusiness.mp3

Just a why

So, it occurs to me that I have a very convoluted opinion on sex, as in that my perspective is skewed in a way that is amusing to me. So, given that I broadcast TO DEATH everything that amuses me (you don't get to see all of it, short version of the story: I'm out of my mind), I will now talk about what I think about sex. Note: This changes over time, so this is a snapshot in time of what I think in early July of 2013. So if you know me in real life at ANY other point, you have to realize this evolved and is still evolving. I don't know why I used the word evolve there because evolution involves death and multiple generations, where-as ideas within your own mind adapt and grow.

ANYWAY! Sex is fun, fun fun fun, party party. I think it's a very interesting cross section of our society and how it takes things that should be very serious (like sex, running the country, and relationships) and completely acts like they are simple and childish. It's sort of like if someone took ax murder and made a cartoon show about it with cute squirting blood and everybody laughing and having a good time. Then someone makes a live action version and it becomes the most popular thing of all time. Because we're all sluts for satisfying our inner urges. Well, I am, you people can go on pretending your not. You don't have to let anyone know, I'll keep your secret, I'm your friend.

Now sex actually activates brain chemicals that make you WANT to get attached, which is why unless you're a sociopath FWB (friends with benefits) doesn't work. Because SOMEONE always wants to be in love and wants better for themselves and to climb Maslow's Pyramid (translation for non psychology geeks: a pyramid of basic needs with eating and surviving at the bottom and self actualization at the top.) It's the natural course of things that as you get your basic needs met (eating, sleeping and fucking) you want more complicated things (like being loved for who you are  and eventually self actualization). Now here is where it gets even more interesting, we are STRONGLY molded by our cultural values. In the USA the Christian Monogamous marriage is considered culturally "right". This means if you aren't doing THAT, some part of you wants to do that. More interesting, because we are turned on by being naughty boys and girls, you may be rebelling and doing whatever isn't in that box (butt sex) for the cheap thrill of not doing the right thing.

So, to sum up the first part of my little diatribe american Christianity says get married then have sex, but many don't do that because sex is everywhere and is pretty much considered the cheapest high there is (it isn't really, but you can go on believing it if you like). It's actually plagued with secondary expenses due to the fact that having it the wrong way, or with the wrong people, is actually closer to abuse and brings along some liabilities. Like losing your sex drive suddenly, pregnancy, overactive emotional attachment, STDs, and legal trouble.

Now, where do I stand on whether I personally should have sex and in what manner. The truth of the matter is I'm pretty sold out. On one hand I refuse to have sex simply for the reason I'm lonely (and yes I DO know how to get it for that reason). I insist on better rationalizations for intimate relations. Now there are rationalizations I share with most men, that being if I have prepared an inroad in my mind for me to have sex with you, I will do it, provided you are as excited by the idea. For example I have a number of types of people I am CRAZY attracted to and would go to bed with in a heartbeat if I thought there were no consequences. However I will not cheat. I will not help anyone cheat, because cheating is the adult version of child abuse and I don't know why it's so accepted. Oh and of course I will have sex if I'm in love. There have been some proposals that I not have sex until I get married again, but realistically, I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't know at all.

Right, so I'm talked out. More blatherings later, hope you enjoyed my educational bit on sex!

how did it come to this?

So, I feel really sharp mentally right now due to the fact that I have TONS of kids coming to me asking me to help them work through their problems..... but that's not the point of this post.
I'm also spending time at least twice a day to draw closer to God, making him a priority, and trying to get my prayers heard.... also not the point.... The ever so brief point is: This is how my brain works.

So people have been telling me I'm a hipster, because I have been avoiding conformity for 20 years (how can I be part of a movement if this is who I am?). I mean, I don't care frankly if I am one or not, what people call me doesn't effect who I am. I'm loved by God and I think I'm pretty cool. Actually with the next generation I do fit in, but they may be emulating me due to my being top dude factor.

But the start of my train of thought was this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julia-plevin/whos-a-hipster_b_117383.html
(actually it started on wikipedia which then jumped me to that page)

Then these words caught my eye:
"Are they smart or plain lazy?"

Which led to this:

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"Donald and Daisy
What are they crazy?
Did they forget or are they just lazy"

Yes this brings back memories of my childhood. Then I realize that this is an overtly sexual song, and I'm amused and embarrassed for my childhood.

But wait, there's more.

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and don't even ask how that led to this, it just did.

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The next jump should be more logical, if you know me at any rate.

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I'm gonna keep pushin you, and pushin you, until you stop being a little B----- (kick)

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You gotta be careful Burter, Space Dingo will eat your Space Baby!

Also, is it just me or are the blue guy and the red guy totally having a relationship? I'm just saying, seems obvious to me.

This has been a brief tour of the lighter side of my brain.

for a reason

This is an important part of my testimony. Years go by, often we do not know why God doesn't answer certain prayers. It's the sort of thing that makes a faith walk such a challenge. It usually seems like he doesn't care when we think we know what's best. But, sometimes you have to thank him for the prayer's unanswered. Today I want to share that I sincerely thought I knew the right thing for my life, and I could not have been more wrong. If my prayers had been answered 3 and a half years ago...... life would be much worse today. It's pretty likely I would not have been able to handle it then, I know that today if given all I wanted back then.
What's important here is that when we put our lives in his will, we're never really lost. We can lose our way, fumble around in the dark, and at times almost lose hope, but he never gives up on us. He brings all things together for our good. He doesn't make mistakes, and we are where we are for a reason, even if it makes no sense to us.

I don't want to be here right now, but one thing I know. I know that I'm in good company.
-----------

Now for the behind the belt of stuff I really can't handle posting on facebook.
My ex wife is pregnant, due in 20 days. That's some heavy stuff, what with me missing out on having kids with her. I realize now if we had ever pulled out of our financial nosedive kids probably would have been shortly on the horizon. It's hard sometimes to be thankful in the storm, but today God has given me something to be VERY thankful for. I don't think I could have handled it. Let me modify this. One, I could not at the level of maturity I was at 22 or 23 handled putting her and the child first. Two, at my current maturity level I don't know if I could handle it. I mean, I think no matter what God will give me the strength and wisdom to handle whatever goes down, but he really saved me in this one. Three, the BIGGEST reason I could not handle that, her. Now I could get super negative about her, we all know what she did (read some old post to get educated if you missed out). However, this isn't about her relational failings towards me. It's about my lack of confidence in her parenting abilities. She was the least nurturing woman I ever met. Here's another thing, I saw pictures of her pregnant and I was thinking "woah, God bless that man that he can handle that."

Seriously, God really saved the day on this one, because having kids makes everything harder, and I doubt the marriage would have survived. And if it bombed, I would be stuck with child support (or with a child) and alimony, and I don't have money AS IS. And she would still have remarried some other schmuck. God bless the broken road (yes, I can't believe I'm referencing a country song either.)
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That is a good word, of course you should know I mean it in no way romantically. I don't subscribe to the delusion that a person can be everything I need. God is. His love is perfect. He showed me today how much he loved me, what he saved me from. I'm sitting here today in my nice clothes, getting to focus my energy on being the best me I can be. And it only get's better. When he delivers on his promises, there will be no question that everything that has happened has been to protect me, to prosper me, and to give me a future. I love him more than words can express. And you want to know the best part? He still loves me more.

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an open letter/prayer to deal with frustration

Dear God,

Hey, it's your kid, it's ol' Max and yes, he's begging again. Begging for answers, begging for a way forward that can keep you in it. I know that you want to be in my life, hey, guess what? I want you in my life. But you've got to make it easier for me. I mean, sinking sand feelings about this dead end situation, that's not a way out, that's not who I've believed you are. I understand if things don't work out like I've planned, but SOME working out would really help the morale around here. Here I am with one of the best functioning male bodies on the market, and you decide to lead me through a romantic dry spell.

I don't know what you want, clearly I'm not giving it, whatever the mystical powder is that makes this busted up vision machine fly. I reached the end of my rope the other day, I suppose you're going to say that I'm still talking to you so I must not have run out of faith. Well, I suppose that's true. I'm still trying to speak that you are capable and that you will stand on your promises and deliver. I'm trying. You're not making it easy. To be perfectly honest saying you keep your promises in this pit is like trying to sell lemonade you haven't got in a desert. Sure it sounds nice, sounds great. It would be absolutely wonderful and swell if you showed up before I put a bullet through my skull. Now I know you've cautioned about timelines and deadlines, that you don't do them and I respect that. So understand when I say I need you to show up before something else happens, I'm not talking about an ultimatum, or some sort of schedule I have. I'm talking about causality. If you decide that showing up is something that can wait until all my hope and ambition have evaporated, that you don't want to provide for me or take care of me in this storm, then I'm going to buy a gun, and the express purpose of that gun will be to take care of problems.
If someone tries to break into my house, that's a problem. My ex wife sometimes appears a problem. So does me being alive. So if you want me to take those sorts of problems into my own hands, keep up what you're doing. Personally I'm kind of invested in not killing anyone. I like to believe I'm a good person. But if I was a good person I think you would act differently. SAVE ME god. You said you wanted to show off how awesome you are, not how you let people get ground down to nothing.
I'm hoping it's darkest before the dawn. I'm hoping that in the morning there will be a new dawn and you will save me, that you will get me out. I have no vision as to how you might do such a thing, but that's up to you. Please Lord, don't let my hope fall flat.

Love,
Max

Rollin Rollin Rollin

So to start I'd like to discuss a transition I'm going through in my life, but first, start this mood music while I discuss this:
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I was driving home feeling pretty bad about my situation, more on that in a minute, but God challenged me. He said that if I'm so hell bent on change, why do I still have the email I had before I changed my life? Why am I hanging on to the email I had through my divorce? Sentimental attachment I suppose.

"Cut em out, ride em in rawhide"
So I'm moving to this email. For one it makes a clean break. For another..... it changes how things work. You see, I use chrome, and God bless it, it can't ever forget anything you have ever done. So changing emails makes that happen. That gives me a negative consequence I don't want to keep me clean. Another important thing is the title I chose. Cynicalviking implies certain things. I think unfortunately I have lived up to that handle. Now it's time to change. I'm not cynical anymore, and I don't have to fight because God already won. MAN google is angry about the change, it won't let me go a sentence without popping up "you aren't logged in".

Now, to the main purpose of me writing. My situation. I am currently in a waiting place, walking by faith that God is going to deliver me out of this mess. I deal on an almost constant basis with people telling me God doesn't work like that, that I have to find my own way out. That doesn't line up with who God says he is. He says he is our provider and I take him at his word. He says he's going to do something I believe him. He said I'm getting out of this, that he is going to take care of me, and I trust him. Anything else people say is lies from the enemy.

Will this ever get easier?

I'm so tired of this place.
Tonight I opted instead of going to the gym to go visit church. And God decided to reward me with a heart aching challenge. The challenge in the message tonight was to put down roots and become part of the local church. Which is a GREAT idea if you plan on living somewhere for the rest of your life. However, if you want out with every fiber of your being, if you feel that the place you are at is a test to harden you against life's challenges, why on earth would you want to put down roots and stay? I'd rather get shot at dawn tommorow than spend the rest of my life amongst these people. I mean, if God so wills it I will live alone, work out, maybe find a drug that doesn't ruin my wind (hey, you can ingest weed, there ARE options) and trudge it out. I can survive anything with God at my side. I mean he kept his chosen people alive in the desert for 40 years. But they didn't have to be there. I don't have to be in this place, Christ died for me meaning I don't have to live in hell. (Hey THERE is an upshot, maybe earth is supposed to be hellish so you want to die sooner and go home to be with God?)
God can take me out of this if he wants, the trick is getting him to want that. I don't see how serving people here will make him want to rescue me from this awful place. *sigh* how long lord do I have to lift up my prayer to you to get me out of here? How many days of pain and fear are enough? How long must I be around people I have nothing in common with, that I don't WANT anything in common with?

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There's got to be something better than this for me.

Oh PRAISE God that he has anticipated my frustration and created a verse JUST for such a trial as this. I am going to copy this down and paste it to my wall:

Psalm 140

The Message (MSG)

A David Psalm

140 1-5 God, get me out of here, away from this evil;
    protect me from these vicious people.
All they do is think up new ways to be bad;
    they spend their days plotting war games.
They practice the sharp rhetoric of hate and hurt,
    speak venomous words that maim and kill.
God, keep me out of the clutch of these wicked ones,
    protect me from these vicious people;
Stuffed with self-importance, they plot ways to trip me up,
    determined to bring me down.
These crooks invent traps to catch me
    and do their best to incriminate me.

6-8 I prayed, “God, you’re my God!
    Listen, God! Mercy!
God, my Lord, Strong Savior,
    protect me when the fighting breaks out!
Don’t let the wicked have their way, God,
    don’t give them an inch!”

9-11 These troublemakers all around me—
    let them drown in their own verbal poison.
Let God pile hellfire on them,
    let him bury them alive in crevasses!
These loudmouths—
    don’t let them be taken seriously;
These savages—
    let the Devil hunt them down!

12-13 I know that you, God, are on the side of victims,
    that you care for the rights of the poor.
And I know that the righteous personally thank you,
    that good people are secure in your presence.

"Is there a blessing for the czar rabbi?"
Rabbi: "A blessing for the czar, of course, may god bless and keep the czar.... Far away from US."

So when I ask God, is there an appropriate Blessing for Oklahoma, he says "Of course" and gives me the verse. David, a man after God's own heart prayed these words.

maybe I'm wrong

today marks another day VERY frustrated with women, and it makes me wonder if the other option wouldn't be better. I have explored this in the past, to no happy conclusion.

I find women more attractive of that there is little doubt, but the supply of women is much worse than the supply of men.

The female dating supply is hopelessly polluted with unattractive women. Maybe just where I'm looking. But the same location has nice enough looking men. Which makes no sense.

I mean, why will a man work hard to attract another man, but a woman will just basicly say "Fuck this, I'm going to phone it in, they'll work for pussy"
Well, we won't.

I just posted this as a PSA to women in my area, see if you relate:

Maybe this will help - 25 (Somewhere between impossible and forever)

I am very VERY frustrated right now ladies. I do not understand why if a man dates a man he takes care of himself, but if a woman dates a man she just gives up. Are we not worth it? Or is it what I think is most likely the case that you think that men will go out with you because you have the socially acceptable equipment. This is a wake up call if that is your environment, that you think having girl parts means men will eventually have to settle for you.
THEY....
WILL.....
NOT.....
You may get some of the trash that accounts for men who have no self esteem and who don't care as long as you are breathing. But you won't get someone who loves you, respects you, and treats you like a princess (which is what you express wanting)
You can forget it.
You are not the only option in the world for men to have families. We can adopt, we can hire surrogates and we can choose alternate partners. If you want to know why the gay community is exploding it is because you are feeding it. Men like me, who have dated through the local dating supply over the course of a few years, realize that they either need to move to a state with better options or consider a different option. You forget that men aren't like you, we can help conceive a child pretty much at any point in our lifetime. You've got a window. I don't understand why a woman would not take care of herself and attempt to appear attractive during that window. If you are seeking an intellectual soul mate this is one man that won't settle.

Also, while I'm on this topic, you being unattractive, judgmental or stupid is not God's best for you. I see many of you claim to love God but you haven't reached out and taken the opportunities that he has given you. You want redneck romeos and cowboys. I guess whatever stokes your fire but there are intelligent men out here that would appreciate intelligent women.

I'll wait as long as it takes. God is taking GOOD care of me and I know that I am not settling for less than his best. If you don't bring plenty to the table then just don't come. Work on yourself. I am, since finding a woman worth dating is harder than finding a liberal congressman in this state.
Don't come back complaining in a few years when your marriage built on a shallow ground of loving mudding and BBW love sinks into the ground. The BBW loving market is soaked out, all the men that like it have their pick of the litter. If you want to be chased, you'll have to do something else.

an addendum

So, I know I made a big stink about that we men prefer not to know your insecurities, but if that insecurity is that you are physically unattractive (bad teeth as an example)..... it is hard to find that out later. For me this is a deal breaker. I feel very very shallow saying that. If I am repulsed it's really frustrating for me to know you are an amazing person. Frustrating because my knee jerk reaction is "So what, they've got dental work, diets and exercise". But if I make you do that to be attractive to me, that turns me into a monster that I can't be. You have to make the change. The message you send me by not taking care of yourself is that you just don't care. Bad self care says poor self esteem. Please get help, I imagine if you took good care of yourself you'd be much happier.

a light aside

I'd like to take a moment to thank all my readers. We just reached 2000 all time views, which works out to a little under 700 a year. I hope to continue to bring you interesting content both relevant to my life and to help in whatever capacity I can. Maybe you just need to know someone else out there is as frustrated as you. I don't know. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here.
In the midst of my lows I feel proud and humbled that 2000 times people have been interested in my life and have read my blog. On to greater things, I think that in the next 3 years we can make it to 10,000.

Now some light romance:
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others must fail

"It is not enough that I must win, others must fail"
There is a certain glee the oppressed and abused must feel to see those whom oppress and abuse them trodden under foot. I have reached that magic state of bitter dissappointment in humanity that I love my enemy, I particularly love her when she is living a life that is almost certain to end soon and with a very satisfying crunch. Oh hate is a wonderful thing and I won't hear a word against justified hatred.
My hatred of my ex wife is justified, at least in my world. I suppose it has to do with that if there where justice in the world she would be a street walking whore and I would have a medium sized house with a young wife and a son on the way. But the justice barge seems to have jumped the dock and be rewarding the wicked. She remarried, and she is expecting a child. How much joy it brings me that she loved me so little that she would not have my child, but of course the military husband is the perfect parenting choice. Good job sweetie. I just enjoyed her christmas pictures, enjoyed knowing she is overweight and unattractive and I can fuel my sweet revenge fantasies knowing she's a fat unattractive whore who is not glowing with motherhood because she has about as much mothering skill as a swine (who routinely eat their young). Fuck her and her sissy military husband. I hope he suffers a horrific accident, or maybe not an accident. I'm glad we're at war because it increases the chance he'll get killed then she can suffer his loss the way I had to suffer hers. Oh I hate living in Tulsa, and I hate this flawed body and I hate I HATE I HATE LINDSAY BROOKS!!!!
(There, doesn't that feel better?)
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I told her the conditions under which we could be friends, those being that I did better post divorce. It's not my fault that she decided to remarry as soon as it was legally possible.... well perhaps it is, obviously I'm a horrible man who must be prevented from breeding at any cost, right God? Fuck this planet. I'm going to bed.

don't broadcast insecurity.

Pet Peeve of the day: women who when they start dating a man immediately put their biggest insecurity or barrier to a relationship on the table. Examples: Being overweight, having kids and them being the entire focus of their lives, them not having time for a relationship.
Right, I get it that you are insecure, and being single is hard (oh how I know that). But please, lead in with something that I can hold onto to be excited about. Tell me about how compassionate you are, how intelligent you are, about how loyal you are and how you'll help people when they are down. Give me an idea of why you're what I'm looking for, and you are what is missing in my life. If you aren't, then we're both wasting time. Obstacles are just tests, and problems are simply learning experiences, give me reasons to push through and learn to love you. That's all.

truth in advertising

last thought for tonight, probably last big thought before my weekend is sucked up by work: Truth in advertising says that if you say you are selling something it has to be what you call it. You can't pull a bait and switch. This is why I can't sell a waffle iron and call it a toaster. So why can they label the political commentary 24 hour fear factory known as fox "news". News implies a certain amount of fact checking, or even truth and an attempt to inform. The language and presentation style on Fox do not show any kind of fact checking, or interest in informing. They want you to be terribly terribly mad. About what, you may ask? Anything you will swallow. They're going to take your guns.... They're going to..... I don't know what really because I can't get past the BS delivery method. OH, right, there's a giant government conspiracy to take all your money away. I'll take the logical route to explaining why this is a silly approach. Do you still have money? Have your guns been taken away? Have you lost your job because of Obama care? The chances are substantially high that none of this has happened to you. So what you just did is you essentially paid someone to get you stressed out over a non threat. You might as well start smoking, because stress is a proven killer. You don't have to live like that. Don't worry.... and if you insist on getting your upsetting news, at least read it. Reading allows your mind to sort things between upsetting and not upsetting. THINK blast you people, THINK.

rant on the concept of sex appeal

Alright, you read the title, you should be prepared for a rant.

I was just watching beautiful women, and it happened upon me what has REALLY bothered me about insecure women. It's them coming up to me and telling me "I don't think I'm sexy enough."
Look, I don't go around broadcasting my insecurities for all those I date to hear. I don't go up to women and say "Man, my skin does not look as awesome as most men's, does it?" NO! Because that is MY problem. Not theirs.


.......

Sarah doesn't love me anymore. I feel like someone stabbed me. I really thought I had meant something to her. Now I find out I didn't. Fuck me. This sucks. I really can't write aside from in chat, here is part of my rant caused by that:


wow, I didn't know I could still hurt like this, I didn't know I still had a stupid heart..... maybe I shouldn't be investing in God, I should be investing in not loving, considering the damage
in my world it appears I'm the only one that cares about me, so I'm the only one that will ever take care of me. It would sure be nice if women did what they were created for, but I guess like many other things manufactured, there are major defects in God's creation. Man, you think a guy's perfect then when he makes something defective you have to wonder about everything

Sage: And what do you think women were created for?

well, I thought to love. God created humans for him to love, and he also created the seperate genders to love each other. God looked at Adam and saw that he was lonely, and so he made a woman to keep man company, to love him and help him through life
well..... considering God says that he will keep every promise, you'd think that would fall under promises. I mean if I made an invention and it was supposed to make waffles, and it didn't make waffles, I would be defaulting on my promise to deliver you something that made waffles
and since we live by his example, I guess I can make a defective waffle maker all I want and that's ok
"What do you mean you don't like that it doesn't make waffles, look at it, it's BEAUTIFUL, some of them make waffles, just not the ones you've been around. I swear, there are some of them out there that aren't fricken failures about making waffles."
waffles is love in this discussion

Sage: I thought that was a very nice summary. Haha waffles, really?

5:57pm
yeah, I felt whimsical, I find that ever since I discovered no one loved me I've had tons of creative energy that used to go towards caring for people that now just spews out
my ex roommate says I think way too economically

The whole problem with feminism from a male perspective.

Look, I used to be very pro women. My mother is a professional, so the advancement of women has helped me. I want to start from there because I risk sounding like a bigot for saying some of the things I do.

First thing, after years of taking abuse and neglect from young women (18-34), my respect for them is just about the same as my respect for used car salesmen. I understand they are human beings, but I'm fed up with them asking for special stuff. Look here, many men would like to get the deal that many women market as the standard; namely hooking a rich spouse and not working the rest of your life. That's a great damn deal. If you want to level the playing field open up the special deals that are open to women. Men cannot become strippers or prostitutes if they get poor enough, at the very least not with the gender of their choice. Gay male society is not an acceptable escape from the cruelty of women. Men use other men for sex. The chances of finding an emotional connection with a man are pretty limited. OH, and get this bias, if a gay male couple wants to have kids they have to pay a woman to carry it to term (40k plus). Lesbian couples have to get a sperm donor, which is MUCH cheaper and involves less having to trust anyone. As long as you have the guy screened it's a one and done, not 9 months of stress while you worry about whether someone else will run off with YOUR baby. Same problem (only worse) if you are a single man who has yet to find anyone to settle down with. YOU try raising 40k for a kid, not to even get into the expenses of childcare when there is no woman in the picture. Oh, and you'll love this, psychologists have determined that children, especially younger children, NEED a mother, biologically as well. So from an ethical standpoint it's just plain awful trying to have a kid without a woman. Lesbian couples are more socially acceptable than their male counterparts.
So, you want to go on and on about what women don't have? Grass is ALWAYS greener. Yeah, sure, working a job for better pay looks great from the outside, but when you know that there are only two ways out, turn 65 or die, it's something different isn't it? When your attractiveness is not JUST your physical features, it's how much is in your wallet and your earning power, when you are objectified for your money, tell me again how you have it so hard. I'd love for my body to be all women look at, because with as much work as I put into that I'd be married to someone rich and I'd be off doing something fun. I understand you want to go on about how much it sucks having the children, but at least you CAN have them. I can't get a fucking woman to stick around for long enough to have one pop out. How is that for gender inequity? Women want to go on about men being selfish, but they don't come out so pretty when you point the mirror the other way. I think power and money are a fair compensation for being treated as men are.

 Men are in fact pushed into dominant roles, no feminist EVER wants to talk about this. The higher paying jobs are in dominant fields, like my current job. When you are in a relationship you find out that the woman gets off more if you take charge (this is my relationships, it's probably different in urban environments). But that's an incentive. If you love someone, you want them happy, and you find out taking charge makes them happy, well, you do it. If taking charge makes you money, you do it. There's no money in being considerate, as a man. Any time a man is nice, considerate, or generous, it's most likely that he's feeling guilty about all the horrible things he has done or will do because being in charge means it's all your fault. Every relationship I'm in, when it ends, is my fault. Because in the woman's mind I made all the decisions. She apparently wasn't even there. So fuck off if you think being a man is fucking easy. Maybe being some men, who aren't surrounded by women who suck the life out of them, but not in single life in Oklahoma.

They say Jesus will find you where-ever you go

I'm going to start something, hopefully this helps some people. I want to spend more time in prayer, so we are going to try forming a collective of people who pray for eachother. Here is the deal, I will personally pray over every comment I get. But, you have to give me one thing. You must pray for something on here. Pray as you feel led, either for one of the other requests someone has posted, or pray for me. This is my deal. Because the word says where two or more are gathered he will be there. Now not all of you may believe, here is how that works.

Part 1:
Asking for prayer. Asking for prayer as a non believer may be a new thing for you, but for many years while I was totally ticked at my life I asked for prayer and received it. You don't have to believe to see that having people wishing you well is a good thing. That's karma. Do not try and be all holy about it, ask for holy things or whatever BS you think he wants to hear. BS prayers fall on BS ears. Be sincere. You need/want a new car, better life, house, person to love, pot roast, money to go out and forget about the troubles in your life? Ask!! He said "Ask and it shall be answered, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened." So what harm is there in asking for what you want? Do you know the sure fire way to make sure you miss out on the best things in life? Don't ask for them. So that is the basics, ask me if you need any tips.

Part 2:
Praying for someone. This is so simple. Look into your heart and try and feel the situation. What is the real need here? Is it financial? Is it relationship related? If you are familiar with God you can pull from his promises. If not, simply talk to him like you would talk to a car repairman. Tell him the problem you are praying about for someone. Doing this will help your personal needs be met. And it will make you feel better.

A simple list of needs we all have that you can pray about knowing God has promised to provide:
Food
Shelter
companionship
a purpose in life
children
love

If you want something to pray over me about, pray those things. If you need a place to start asking, ask out of those things.

Now for the gist of my thought I had that brought me here. (God just kind of put that last part on my heart).
a song for today:
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They say Jesus will find you wherever you go
But when He'll come looking for you, they don't know
In the mean time, keep your profile low

That speaks to me. What I struggle with right now is that no one knows when God is going to move. I can't say if, because God will move sure as out of darkness comes the dawn. The waiting is bothering me. So in the mean time I'm keeping my profile low.

Punk rock girl

I've been listening to a few old songs, thinking about love.
A quick update before I go into the songs and what they mean to me:
Over the last few days the good Lord and I have been conversing on my problems in life and he revealed to me that I shouldn't date local women. Therefor I am to wait for the move.... I don't want to go too far into any of this. I did contact Sarah, my Sarah, the Sarah that was a treasure to my heart and whom I really loved. Who really loved me and made me a better man. She has yet to respond, though I know she received it. *le sigh*
Our first song has to do with a kind of woman I have wanted a long time, a punk rock girl:
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Some lyrics that jump out at me:
"Please look at me, what do you see?"
So often we want to see ourselves through the eyes of one who not only loves us but is attracted to us.
"You took me to your parents for a Sunday meal. Your father took one look at me and he began to squeal."
It goes without saying that parental approval is an issue on both sides of the fence.
"We got into a car away we started rollin, I said how much you pay for this? She said nothing man it's stolen."
Personally I desire a woman with such a flip attitude towards life. I know one, but she's not attracted to men, more's the pity.

The next song I have been listening to since I discovered music:
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OH MY GOSH IF THIS LAPTOP DOESN'T STOP DOING RANDOM THINGS I WILL THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW AND SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!!! *pant* *pant*

Side note: Windows 8 + Laptop=not a happy.

ALRIGHT! If the operating system and equipment will let me express myself we will continue. (linux never acted like a putz like this...)

So many metaphors to discuss so we will start at the beginning. It took the entire song playing through just to get that out. 
"There's a girl with a crown and a scepter, who's on WLSD and she says that the scene isn't what it's been and she's thinking of going home. That it's old and it's totally over now."
To me this brings a powerful vision, of a girl waiting for me out there somewhere. The crown and scepter represent her being materially secure. And in the opening message of the song the girl states it as my life so clearly is. The situation isn't as good as it was, and it's time for it to be over.
"I can see myself, at the end of the tour, when the road disappears, if there's any more people around when the tour runs aground and if you're still around then we'll meet at the end of the tour"
It connects to a vision. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where there's no more work to be done, when the hard part is over. I hope beyond hopes that someone waits there for me.
"The engagements are booked through the end of the world so we'll meet at the end of the tour"
And this brings it back to the present. The work doesn't seem to come to an end. It stretches out before us seemingly until mankind ends. But we must keep on in our sisyphussian struggle to reach the end, because there's something really worth it there.

Which brings me around to a side point. Tonight I went to church, as I have been doing quite a bit lately. The preacher got a few things wrong when it comes to my point of view. One is a worldview that requires that science be entirely wrong for God to be great. I don't live there. I believe in evolution and he liked attacking that. It's ok, if that makes him feel more secure in being right then he is welcome to do that. It just puts a wall between me and him, not between me and God. I thought it was amusing when he directed me to a verse about us being "Created by God" The translation text said it could also mean set apart. So for the rest of the night every time he said created, I heard set apart, it actually helped temper the lesson to something I can use. The second thing he wanted to go after was the ecclesiastical verses about the futility of life. I know for a fact that comes from people with major issues with pain, that can't handle everything being meaningless. To quote Vonnegut "Anyone unable to understand how a useful religion can be founded on lies won't understand this book either." (Politely lifted both from Cat's Cradle and this article: http://www.strangehorizons.com/2003/20030324/truths.shtml). The ends justify the means friends. If your truth is truth, it shouldn't matter that the universe is full of BS. But some people want to believe there is less BS in the universe. This to me is like denying global warming, evolution, or dark matter (the amusing part is they do)
This next song illustrates the point that in meaninglessness there is comfort:
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"This is the worst part: To believe for all the world that you're my precious little girl"
Living in the sublime fantasy that you love someone, and that the are indeed yours in any sense is the worst part. It doesn't seem that way, but if you don't let people in then you don't have that problem.

"No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful
Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful"
If you cannot understand this, you cannot understand my life. The world is full of futility, and being that it is the one thing all mankind shares it is beautiful. We must love it, otherwise why would we keep drawing breath? Getting what you want is a fantasy. The great part is no one gets it. I remember growing up a frequent complaint I had and heard was "That's not fair"
Of course that is an immature childish complaint. However, you cannot deny that there is nothing more fair than the futility of life. Even a rich man has to die someday. No one has the perfect wife, kids, parents, or life. Life has to hurt, that's part of it's point.
Last song:
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I heard this driving around today and I loved the wit. My favorite line is this:
"Still don't ask who I choose; either way I would lose
Between beer and women I think
Without beer I go nuts and the ironic part:
Without women there's no reason to drink"

So here it is, a toast to the women who keep the pain sharp enough that I have to block it out. Goodnight kids, we'll talk more soon.

I have no excuse

believe it or not, there is a logical progression between these things:

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and there is only one place that can lead

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Which takes us to the final most important part

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In other news I have been challenged to speak positively into my life, so I'll be saying quite a lot about favor, provision, and blessings this week! I believe that this will bring God's work into my life, and that I will soon be winging my way to Colorado!

The veggies learn about real life

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So, I've been watching quite a bit of God themed stuff, given my recent struggles. This video came to mind, and I realize now that Veggie Tales can be pretty subversive. Join the innocent veggies as they learn what working for the man really means...... You're never gonna get ahead, giving head to the man (that's Bobby Conn)

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bankrupt

I thought I would type this out in an email because I don't know how to talk to anyone about it without screaming. Today, what God is asking me, is why God and I don't have a closer relationship. Let me start from the beginning, it will make more sense. Three years ago my wife walked out on me, and at that point I realized I was too damaged to settle down again right away, and I started playing around with sex. I had nothing else, at the time I often said she got God in the divorce, I'm still reasonably convinced that's pretty close to the truth. But moving on. I decided to have lots of guilt free no commitment sex..... and porn..... years go by, I start drawing closer to God. Somewhere along the way I realized that part of the reason my marriage fell apart is that one of the little known riders in christian marriage is that when you marry someone she in essence owns your sexuality. She not only gets to overhaul the house, your career, and anything else she wants, she also gets to decide how your sex drive works. The problem being that she is a woman and has never been a man. ANYWAY, the upshot of divorce is that you get your life back to make your own choices. 
Now, I grew up in the church, I've been trying to hash out my sexual desires with the fact that the church thinks I shouldn't have any for a decade now. I've been to addiction recovery, I've prayed, I've been to more alter calls than most people with actual illnesses. Yet for some reason God has yet to remove my flaw of having a sexuality and that being part of my identity (well except for when depression took it away for awhile).......... Which leads to tonight.

I have been agonizing with God, trying to understand what I'm doing wrong, trying to understand why he doesn't express any love for me. The last two weeks I have worshiped and drawn closer to him than ever, yet I have never been more financially strained and emotionally I am ready to die. I hate my life, I hate that God has nothing to do with it. I just want him to do what he promised to do, yet tonight he decided to trigger me instead. I went to 3D tonight (I've been going to church in one way or another twice a week lately, sometimes more), and walking up something felt not good. I felt out of place. All through the songs, which are all about how much God loves me, and I worship, I come in agreement because I've been trying to worship him through this hateful storm. But I don't feel loved. I feel hated, I feel like I don't belong and more and more, I feel that I want to die. I feel completely abandoned, but I know that God wants me to stay strong, so I keep worshiping. 

Then as the worship dies down, and this lady comes on stage and starts talking about when she and her husband were dating how they stayed pure. That's a trigger, I'm frankly pretty sick and tired of hearing about how happy married people are. I haven't found anyone that loves me, and I may never be able to. You don't go up to someone who can't walk and start talking about all the skiing and jumping they should be doing. Jerks. But I know it's not on purpose, and I try to get past this, then I see, this is a directed assault. I've been yelled at a lot in my life, this is something new being directly attacked by God. She goes on about not being weak, not giving in to temptation. But I don't hear her talking, I hear how God doesn't want me to have the one remaining joy in my life. I can't afford good food, and women are as I said earlier a bit beyond me, my job is hard, nothing satisfies me and without anything to relieve my stress I start to spiral into a suicidal melt down. But the attack continues. Finally, after 14 minutes of this attack, I say fine, whatever you want God. I've given you everything in my life, stepped out in faith in every way possible, and now you want to take away sex. Great. Because he knows that if he doesn't show up now, I'm going to get so hopeless and dead inside that I'm going to die. I'm so glad that him and I finally reached the point where he gave me the ammunition I need to die. I figure he's calling me home soon, because now that I've given every last bit of myself, I have nothing but him to lean on. And if I've learned one thing so far, it's that he is not there when I need him. He has not provided. So I continue to give to him, he continues to take, and the only light I see is through the grave at this point. I could have coped for year if only...... but he's got to have his rules. He wants more, I give it. With a thankful heart. I'm thankful he told me what I can do to please him. I'm thankful he's pleased because I'm bankrupt and dead. I'm thankful that he finally answered one of my desires, which is that someone else would do something to me so intense that if it didn't work out I could just clock out of this life. I'm thankful knowing he has everything of mine. I'm thankful that now I cannot ever tell anyone to follow him, because following him has become a nosedive into the grave. I'm praising him for every messed up horrible thing that he's let happen to me this past month. I know that he's either going to redeem it here or I'll get my reward after I reach the end of my rope and end this. I don't know that there is anything anyone can do to help me, aside from God, and we'll just have to wait and see what he decides to do now.

Mixed signals

I need this for meditation, and I need to share this. This past week has been quite a journey for me. From losing myself to despair as another relationship collapsed in front of me, as well as my first vacation option in years. So, I did the only thing I could, in that I have committed not to die by my own hand, I turned to God. I know I've been bitter on here about him, and I want to correct the myth that I don't desire him or a closer relationship with him. This time in my life, while lacking in many things, I have grown closer to God than I have ever been. It's really been beautiful, for the first time since I was 15 I'm finally starting to get it.
I'm not wanting to talk about my past, God's grace means we can move past that. I want to talk about the present, and the last two days. Yesterday I had enough of it and I started really working. I went and I did TONS of errands I had been putting off. And I went to the gym, and then I went to church. I finally realized I can survive this, no matter how long it last, even if this is the rest of my life I can handle that. I realized, or thought I realized ANYWAY, that home is where the heart is, and right now my home is God and Me.  It's no crime to love yourself, but you have to be honest to yourself the way you would be to your spouse, because no one is going to correct you when you go wrong if you don't. This is an important concept of single living that no one ever talks about. So I came to the place where I could be... well content anyway staying here in this city that does not make me happy, around people entirely unlike me, and that I would not settle down. Oh MY GOSH! I just got an important scriptural tie in. I'm reading genesis right now, to try and  read through the bible, and I just read about Abraham sending a servant out to get Isaac a wife. This is SO cool because I had no idea why any of this mattered until just now. Abraham told his servant not to get his son a wife from the locals, because they were not right for his son. He said to go to his home and retrieve a woman from there. Flesh of my flesh, but in a modern sense this is different. I know I am not to marry a relative, that would be...... impractical let's say. BUT, I should not marry that which is not my flesh. I need to stop forcing incompatibility to work. THAT is why my marriage didn't work. I married a local. These people around me are the philistines of my world, and I do not have to marry into their number!
So, basicly what I'm explaining, apart from that outburst, is that I felt I was being affirmed that this place would allow me to survive. I saw that through working with local churches I could be part of a community that could love and accept me. So I thought the message was to be here for a few more years, maybe it still is (stomach knots up).

But then a new day dawned and today was here. Messages have been coming in ALL day about how he hasn't forgotten me, I have a destiny, he will provide, all that lovely charismatic stuff. Which says to me, be ready to move. Lord how can I be a blessing locally, invest and dig in here and at the same time be ready to leave? Which is it? I did some reading on this and it says it's natural to want to stay with the familiar, but the new is better. So I continue to hold my ground on my stance, which is, when he's ready to move, at the SOONEST moment he is ready, I will go. I expect an answer REALLY soon, either stay or go. If I stay I plan on getting my RN and investing in a simple life of bachelorhood, with all the vices and freedoms that come with that. If he moves, no that's wrong actually, When he moves (because he will move, eventually) I will move with him into the new season of my life. With my whole heart. No looking back. For now, I'm going to try to fast from certain sexual desires............ I don't know how successful I'm going to be........ Lord give me strength, give me courage, give me wisdom, show me your will and be my guiding light. Amen.

Things I won't say on facebook or to the suicide lifeline people

So it's been awhile since I got on here to talk to this thing, and right now I'm in a serious depressive episode. I really don't want to spend a paragraph setting things up, we're here, let's just unpack as we go.
I am crucially unhappy with my existence at this point. Yes not at my life, at my existence. There is an important difference between the two

Robots and other monsters

So, for decades we have been overwhelmed with movie imagery of robots or aliens without empathy for the human experience coming down and destroying our way of life. So we keep an eye out for aliens(with SETI) and we make sure our robots are safe. What we entirely miss is that we have already made the greatest monster ever to grace this earth. It's called the modern Corporation. It's primary goal is to accumulate money. It does not care for whom it hurts in the process, because investors didn't make that part of the measure of success. If a corporation LITERALLY works people to death, or kills people, the worst that can happen to it is that it ceases to be. All the people that designed survive to design corporations that can more effectively get away with using whatever tactics they please to rape pillage and plunder our economy. I love that they then hide behind "we're job creators" in that when they have to they pay someone way less than they are worth while still making money hand over fist. They are job creators the same way plantation owners prior to the civil war were. They give you barely enough to live and call it a job. They verbally abuse you and call it management. They fire people and make you do their job because to be honest, you're better off not working, health wise, than you are working for these people. Welcome to America folks, land of screwing the little guy.

haunted

I'm not writing because I want to. It's important to lead into this by saying that I am only doing this due to subconscious demands that I handle these issues. The last two nights I have had dreams about my ex wife. The first two (night one the only dream I had, and the dream that came first night two) was about me reconciling with her. Let me summarize that one, do the analysis then we can go on to the second one.

I can't remember specifics from the dream on night one, so last nights will have to do. I dreamed that she came back to me. She took the initiative and contacted me and it turns out her life had been falling apart. She  said her marriage had fallen apart.... that sort of thing. She never said she still loved me. But I was made to break up with my girlfriend despite me not liking the idea of hurting her. In the dream however for some reason I wanted to be with her. I'm baffled that I didn't say anything about the past being the past. I seriously doubt I would remarry her if such a thing actually happened.

It's one part wish fulfillment  that's easy. For a long time I have wanted her to suffer for what she did to me, that was obvious. Another thing is that I wanted my ego stroked that if something like that happened she would come back, which is not the case. She doesn't still love me. I've checked. Granted a woman's heart is full of secrets and lies but at least on the surface, there is no love there for me. Which came up in the dream. Which brings us to the darker part of this dream analysis. There are issues of ownership. She comes back into my life and essentially demands that I do what she says, and I do? It's as if we are still married, and we aren't. She has no rights in respect to me. I admit that there is some part of me that would be happy for the romantic attention from her. A part of me will always love her, even though I doubt that part will ever be called into active duty again.

the second dream has me having sex with my ex wife. This happened once after me seeing the getting back together dream for the second time I rolled over, went back to sleep and dreamed of what comes next. I wanted to dream something different, something better. Instead I dreamed about making love to the ex wife. I got her pregnant. Then we had sex again. It was so intense it upset the cat, though I have no cat. I have no idea what the cat means. Again my interpretation is that I am making my wishes come true. Another thing I think is that I did what she wanted, broke up with my girl, and as a result she rewarded me with sex.

I talked with my friends about this today, and the most helpful thing they said is that I am wishing for what I had when I had her, stability and comfort. That makes sense.

I'm redoubling my efforts on prayer, that a solution to my situation be at hand. And I am waiting on the answer. While I wait, I will keep trying and writing of my success and challenges here. Stay tuned.