Things I won't say on facebook or to the suicide lifeline people

So it's been awhile since I got on here to talk to this thing, and right now I'm in a serious depressive episode. I really don't want to spend a paragraph setting things up, we're here, let's just unpack as we go.
I am crucially unhappy with my existence at this point. Yes not at my life, at my existence. There is an important difference between the two