I need this for meditation, and I need to share this. This past week has been quite a journey for me. From losing myself to despair as another relationship collapsed in front of me, as well as my first vacation option in years. So, I did the only thing I could, in that I have committed not to die by my own hand, I turned to God. I know I've been bitter on here about him, and I want to correct the myth that I don't desire him or a closer relationship with him. This time in my life, while lacking in many things, I have grown closer to God than I have ever been. It's really been beautiful, for the first time since I was 15 I'm finally starting to get it.
I'm not wanting to talk about my past, God's grace means we can move past that. I want to talk about the present, and the last two days. Yesterday I had enough of it and I started really working. I went and I did TONS of errands I had been putting off. And I went to the gym, and then I went to church. I finally realized I can survive this, no matter how long it last, even if this is the rest of my life I can handle that. I realized, or thought I realized ANYWAY, that home is where the heart is, and right now my home is God and Me. It's no crime to love yourself, but you have to be honest to yourself the way you would be to your spouse, because no one is going to correct you when you go wrong if you don't. This is an important concept of single living that no one ever talks about. So I came to the place where I could be... well content anyway staying here in this city that does not make me happy, around people entirely unlike me, and that I would not settle down. Oh MY GOSH! I just got an important scriptural tie in. I'm reading genesis right now, to try and read through the bible, and I just read about Abraham sending a servant out to get Isaac a wife. This is SO cool because I had no idea why any of this mattered until just now. Abraham told his servant not to get his son a wife from the locals, because they were not right for his son. He said to go to his home and retrieve a woman from there. Flesh of my flesh, but in a modern sense this is different. I know I am not to marry a relative, that would be...... impractical let's say. BUT, I should not marry that which is not my flesh. I need to stop forcing incompatibility to work. THAT is why my marriage didn't work. I married a local. These people around me are the philistines of my world, and I do not have to marry into their number!
So, basicly what I'm explaining, apart from that outburst, is that I felt I was being affirmed that this place would allow me to survive. I saw that through working with local churches I could be part of a community that could love and accept me. So I thought the message was to be here for a few more years, maybe it still is (stomach knots up).
But then a new day dawned and today was here. Messages have been coming in ALL day about how he hasn't forgotten me, I have a destiny, he will provide, all that lovely charismatic stuff. Which says to me, be ready to move. Lord how can I be a blessing locally, invest and dig in here and at the same time be ready to leave? Which is it? I did some reading on this and it says it's natural to want to stay with the familiar, but the new is better. So I continue to hold my ground on my stance, which is, when he's ready to move, at the SOONEST moment he is ready, I will go. I expect an answer REALLY soon, either stay or go. If I stay I plan on getting my RN and investing in a simple life of bachelorhood, with all the vices and freedoms that come with that. If he moves, no that's wrong actually, When he moves (because he will move, eventually) I will move with him into the new season of my life. With my whole heart. No looking back. For now, I'm going to try to fast from certain sexual desires............ I don't know how successful I'm going to be........ Lord give me strength, give me courage, give me wisdom, show me your will and be my guiding light. Amen.
I'm not wanting to talk about my past, God's grace means we can move past that. I want to talk about the present, and the last two days. Yesterday I had enough of it and I started really working. I went and I did TONS of errands I had been putting off. And I went to the gym, and then I went to church. I finally realized I can survive this, no matter how long it last, even if this is the rest of my life I can handle that. I realized, or thought I realized ANYWAY, that home is where the heart is, and right now my home is God and Me. It's no crime to love yourself, but you have to be honest to yourself the way you would be to your spouse, because no one is going to correct you when you go wrong if you don't. This is an important concept of single living that no one ever talks about. So I came to the place where I could be... well content anyway staying here in this city that does not make me happy, around people entirely unlike me, and that I would not settle down. Oh MY GOSH! I just got an important scriptural tie in. I'm reading genesis right now, to try and read through the bible, and I just read about Abraham sending a servant out to get Isaac a wife. This is SO cool because I had no idea why any of this mattered until just now. Abraham told his servant not to get his son a wife from the locals, because they were not right for his son. He said to go to his home and retrieve a woman from there. Flesh of my flesh, but in a modern sense this is different. I know I am not to marry a relative, that would be...... impractical let's say. BUT, I should not marry that which is not my flesh. I need to stop forcing incompatibility to work. THAT is why my marriage didn't work. I married a local. These people around me are the philistines of my world, and I do not have to marry into their number!
So, basicly what I'm explaining, apart from that outburst, is that I felt I was being affirmed that this place would allow me to survive. I saw that through working with local churches I could be part of a community that could love and accept me. So I thought the message was to be here for a few more years, maybe it still is (stomach knots up).
But then a new day dawned and today was here. Messages have been coming in ALL day about how he hasn't forgotten me, I have a destiny, he will provide, all that lovely charismatic stuff. Which says to me, be ready to move. Lord how can I be a blessing locally, invest and dig in here and at the same time be ready to leave? Which is it? I did some reading on this and it says it's natural to want to stay with the familiar, but the new is better. So I continue to hold my ground on my stance, which is, when he's ready to move, at the SOONEST moment he is ready, I will go. I expect an answer REALLY soon, either stay or go. If I stay I plan on getting my RN and investing in a simple life of bachelorhood, with all the vices and freedoms that come with that. If he moves, no that's wrong actually, When he moves (because he will move, eventually) I will move with him into the new season of my life. With my whole heart. No looking back. For now, I'm going to try to fast from certain sexual desires............ I don't know how successful I'm going to be........ Lord give me strength, give me courage, give me wisdom, show me your will and be my guiding light. Amen.
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