I want it to be known that this is the darkest day my faith has faced. I hope this is the darkest it gets, maybe someday I'll look back and say "yes, that was the point right before the turn around"
I've been reading about David, his psalms about when he was running from Saul, and his story in Samuel.
ANYWAY. Today I have been attacked for my faith and for being someone that really cares about people getting better. For doing God's work today I was attacked. I just want to contrast this.
Today the woman I realize I still hurt over got married in a beautiful ceremony in the church I always dreamed of getting married in, to a man she is deeply in love with.
On one hand, for odd reasons, loving her on some level, I'm happy for her. I'm happy she found love. Sorry I couldn't give it to her, but she looks very complete. I've certainly never been that. And she DOES deserve it, so I assume so does he. She's had a great faith walk for the last decade and this is the fruit of that. I hope someday God loves me enough to give me such love.
The thing that makes me upset is the contrast. She, and many others that I love, are expecting HUGE blessings, children, marriages, new homes and happiness in other forms. I have joy knowing that I don't have to worry about them. On the other hand it upsets me how I am fighting to stay alive. It upsets me how hard it is for me to keep my job even when (today demonstrates especially when) I do my best. Those over me are apathetic at best. At worst, well today I observed that it seems likely they are under the influence of evil spirits. I don't believe that a human being can be as cruel and heartless as some people in my company are. Not naming names. It takes all I have to control my anger over what they do on a daily basis.
Honestly, I don't know how to take anymore.
As Psalm 69 says: My voice is rough from calling for help, and I don't see God on the horizon.
It doesn't say God isn't there, he is. He's everywhere. At this point however, I'd do anything for freedom from this oppression. I'd rather die than take one more step. But I don't get a choice, because for various reasons my death isn't in my hands. Yet anyway. A father of a patient suggested I go shoot stuff down by the lake, and I had to say it's not advisable for me to handle firearms, there are FAR too many problems I would be tempted to solve with a gun. I hope I wouldn't, but I don't trust myself.
If it's darkest before the dawn then the dawn must be coming soon.
If this is a sign of things to come however, I wouldn't make any long term plans about having me around.
I've been reading about David, his psalms about when he was running from Saul, and his story in Samuel.
ANYWAY. Today I have been attacked for my faith and for being someone that really cares about people getting better. For doing God's work today I was attacked. I just want to contrast this.
Today the woman I realize I still hurt over got married in a beautiful ceremony in the church I always dreamed of getting married in, to a man she is deeply in love with.
On one hand, for odd reasons, loving her on some level, I'm happy for her. I'm happy she found love. Sorry I couldn't give it to her, but she looks very complete. I've certainly never been that. And she DOES deserve it, so I assume so does he. She's had a great faith walk for the last decade and this is the fruit of that. I hope someday God loves me enough to give me such love.
The thing that makes me upset is the contrast. She, and many others that I love, are expecting HUGE blessings, children, marriages, new homes and happiness in other forms. I have joy knowing that I don't have to worry about them. On the other hand it upsets me how I am fighting to stay alive. It upsets me how hard it is for me to keep my job even when (today demonstrates especially when) I do my best. Those over me are apathetic at best. At worst, well today I observed that it seems likely they are under the influence of evil spirits. I don't believe that a human being can be as cruel and heartless as some people in my company are. Not naming names. It takes all I have to control my anger over what they do on a daily basis.
Honestly, I don't know how to take anymore.
As Psalm 69 says: My voice is rough from calling for help, and I don't see God on the horizon.
It doesn't say God isn't there, he is. He's everywhere. At this point however, I'd do anything for freedom from this oppression. I'd rather die than take one more step. But I don't get a choice, because for various reasons my death isn't in my hands. Yet anyway. A father of a patient suggested I go shoot stuff down by the lake, and I had to say it's not advisable for me to handle firearms, there are FAR too many problems I would be tempted to solve with a gun. I hope I wouldn't, but I don't trust myself.
If it's darkest before the dawn then the dawn must be coming soon.
If this is a sign of things to come however, I wouldn't make any long term plans about having me around.
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