bankrupt

I thought I would type this out in an email because I don't know how to talk to anyone about it without screaming. Today, what God is asking me, is why God and I don't have a closer relationship. Let me start from the beginning, it will make more sense. Three years ago my wife walked out on me, and at that point I realized I was too damaged to settle down again right away, and I started playing around with sex. I had nothing else, at the time I often said she got God in the divorce, I'm still reasonably convinced that's pretty close to the truth. But moving on. I decided to have lots of guilt free no commitment sex..... and porn..... years go by, I start drawing closer to God. Somewhere along the way I realized that part of the reason my marriage fell apart is that one of the little known riders in christian marriage is that when you marry someone she in essence owns your sexuality. She not only gets to overhaul the house, your career, and anything else she wants, she also gets to decide how your sex drive works. The problem being that she is a woman and has never been a man. ANYWAY, the upshot of divorce is that you get your life back to make your own choices. 
Now, I grew up in the church, I've been trying to hash out my sexual desires with the fact that the church thinks I shouldn't have any for a decade now. I've been to addiction recovery, I've prayed, I've been to more alter calls than most people with actual illnesses. Yet for some reason God has yet to remove my flaw of having a sexuality and that being part of my identity (well except for when depression took it away for awhile).......... Which leads to tonight.

I have been agonizing with God, trying to understand what I'm doing wrong, trying to understand why he doesn't express any love for me. The last two weeks I have worshiped and drawn closer to him than ever, yet I have never been more financially strained and emotionally I am ready to die. I hate my life, I hate that God has nothing to do with it. I just want him to do what he promised to do, yet tonight he decided to trigger me instead. I went to 3D tonight (I've been going to church in one way or another twice a week lately, sometimes more), and walking up something felt not good. I felt out of place. All through the songs, which are all about how much God loves me, and I worship, I come in agreement because I've been trying to worship him through this hateful storm. But I don't feel loved. I feel hated, I feel like I don't belong and more and more, I feel that I want to die. I feel completely abandoned, but I know that God wants me to stay strong, so I keep worshiping. 

Then as the worship dies down, and this lady comes on stage and starts talking about when she and her husband were dating how they stayed pure. That's a trigger, I'm frankly pretty sick and tired of hearing about how happy married people are. I haven't found anyone that loves me, and I may never be able to. You don't go up to someone who can't walk and start talking about all the skiing and jumping they should be doing. Jerks. But I know it's not on purpose, and I try to get past this, then I see, this is a directed assault. I've been yelled at a lot in my life, this is something new being directly attacked by God. She goes on about not being weak, not giving in to temptation. But I don't hear her talking, I hear how God doesn't want me to have the one remaining joy in my life. I can't afford good food, and women are as I said earlier a bit beyond me, my job is hard, nothing satisfies me and without anything to relieve my stress I start to spiral into a suicidal melt down. But the attack continues. Finally, after 14 minutes of this attack, I say fine, whatever you want God. I've given you everything in my life, stepped out in faith in every way possible, and now you want to take away sex. Great. Because he knows that if he doesn't show up now, I'm going to get so hopeless and dead inside that I'm going to die. I'm so glad that him and I finally reached the point where he gave me the ammunition I need to die. I figure he's calling me home soon, because now that I've given every last bit of myself, I have nothing but him to lean on. And if I've learned one thing so far, it's that he is not there when I need him. He has not provided. So I continue to give to him, he continues to take, and the only light I see is through the grave at this point. I could have coped for year if only...... but he's got to have his rules. He wants more, I give it. With a thankful heart. I'm thankful he told me what I can do to please him. I'm thankful he's pleased because I'm bankrupt and dead. I'm thankful that he finally answered one of my desires, which is that someone else would do something to me so intense that if it didn't work out I could just clock out of this life. I'm thankful knowing he has everything of mine. I'm thankful that now I cannot ever tell anyone to follow him, because following him has become a nosedive into the grave. I'm praising him for every messed up horrible thing that he's let happen to me this past month. I know that he's either going to redeem it here or I'll get my reward after I reach the end of my rope and end this. I don't know that there is anything anyone can do to help me, aside from God, and we'll just have to wait and see what he decides to do now.