Down into the depths of hopelessness, again and again I find myself here and I keep hearing the same stupid fucking thing. Everyone is always saying that it's going to get better. To the point I believe, and I'm ready to receive such a thing, and it is still coming they say, yet today is just another trial, another drag. I realize sooner or later that this promise of a better day, if we can call it a promise, is either for a day yet to come or an insincere promise.
More and more I feel that the entire set up is to build up my hope so I can continue on absorbing suffering. I get increasingly frustrated with telling people the same thing to the point that apart from communicating my utter apathy for living I don't communicate much anymore. Much of what needs to be said has been said by me many times before, I am nothing if not open about my feelings. Too often the response I receive is apathy. I act with the most kindness I can muster and all I seem to get is apathy and disinterest when I have need of help.
I've sought out pastors and local friends, girlfriends, prayer partners and doctors. I have looked under every rock trying to find answers for myself which others are disinterested in helping me find. Apart from learn patience and try and build up strength I have found few pearls of wisdom.
I know God is good and he loves me. I know he has good plans for me. I know he answers prayer. I know he forgives me.
I do not understand waiting. I do not understand this pain, it surpasses my ability to understand. I do not understand this place I am.
I am an outspoken questioner of the way things are, particularly of the conservative movement, consumerism, the christian right and many things capitalist and republican. Yet I am in the most red state in the country. I have found few confederates in suffering. I am made to feel truly alone by such entities as Fox News, local preachers who bring politics to the pulpit, and by my fellow men who proudly claim tea party affiliation. I feel like some sort of covert spy dropped in the middle of an enemy camp. As if I am a union soldier trapped behind confederate lines, or vice versa as surrounded by the enemy I truly am overwelmed by the right wing political machine. I cannot see how liberal and intelligent thought can prevail over the conservative and anti intellectual movement.
What bothers me more is that this place that is a strong hold of right wing thought seems to be a self energizing machine. Let me explain how I observe this process. The right wing organizations fix the system (locally and state wide especially) to hurt and frighten people. The pundits point to the system they broke and say "look, isn't it broken? Aren't you scared? No one is looking out for you", then you have to watch their network to find out how to survive the horrible things they say are happening. Sometimes the horrors are real. They say "isn't it awful that you don't have healthcare?", when they made damn well sure of it. They say "isn't it awful that you and others are poor?" when they are in favor of trickle down economics and other economic policy that makes sure that the poor get poorer, that debt is on the rise.
Or how about what I consider the best one: "Isn't the national debt awful? How awful that we have a deficit and that we keep spending money!" When their policy for the last decade has been to create a completely useless several TRILLION dollar war, which we are still cleaning up.
The entire sum of their strategy is to make things suck, then point the blame on everyone else. What is most upsetting to the intellectual mind is not that this comes from the news, the bought and paid for politicians and talk radio. What upsets thinking people most is when other thinking people buy this garbage. When thinking people are held in thrall by complete garbage such as this. When the people who you want to help most say they don't want it because Fox news told them Democrats aren't human. We want to scream at them. They threaten to suceed and many of us are thinking "that would be nice, then you'd stop dragging those of us that want a better world down". Of course they won't. I mean who would shut the government down? Who would sabotage democrats and independents at every turn? How would the forces of capitalism keep everyone else in line? I do not know.
I know I am just one man. I do not see any purpose here. I do not see any hope. That isn't to say there isn't any, I'm just too deep in the wrong part of the battle. I pray I get out of this place soon. I'll hold on until I lose the ability to keep my grip to the hope that God will answer my prayers. Someone out there must be more powerful than the forces that stand against me. God is that someone.
More and more I feel that the entire set up is to build up my hope so I can continue on absorbing suffering. I get increasingly frustrated with telling people the same thing to the point that apart from communicating my utter apathy for living I don't communicate much anymore. Much of what needs to be said has been said by me many times before, I am nothing if not open about my feelings. Too often the response I receive is apathy. I act with the most kindness I can muster and all I seem to get is apathy and disinterest when I have need of help.
I've sought out pastors and local friends, girlfriends, prayer partners and doctors. I have looked under every rock trying to find answers for myself which others are disinterested in helping me find. Apart from learn patience and try and build up strength I have found few pearls of wisdom.
I know God is good and he loves me. I know he has good plans for me. I know he answers prayer. I know he forgives me.
I do not understand waiting. I do not understand this pain, it surpasses my ability to understand. I do not understand this place I am.
I am an outspoken questioner of the way things are, particularly of the conservative movement, consumerism, the christian right and many things capitalist and republican. Yet I am in the most red state in the country. I have found few confederates in suffering. I am made to feel truly alone by such entities as Fox News, local preachers who bring politics to the pulpit, and by my fellow men who proudly claim tea party affiliation. I feel like some sort of covert spy dropped in the middle of an enemy camp. As if I am a union soldier trapped behind confederate lines, or vice versa as surrounded by the enemy I truly am overwelmed by the right wing political machine. I cannot see how liberal and intelligent thought can prevail over the conservative and anti intellectual movement.
What bothers me more is that this place that is a strong hold of right wing thought seems to be a self energizing machine. Let me explain how I observe this process. The right wing organizations fix the system (locally and state wide especially) to hurt and frighten people. The pundits point to the system they broke and say "look, isn't it broken? Aren't you scared? No one is looking out for you", then you have to watch their network to find out how to survive the horrible things they say are happening. Sometimes the horrors are real. They say "isn't it awful that you don't have healthcare?", when they made damn well sure of it. They say "isn't it awful that you and others are poor?" when they are in favor of trickle down economics and other economic policy that makes sure that the poor get poorer, that debt is on the rise.
Or how about what I consider the best one: "Isn't the national debt awful? How awful that we have a deficit and that we keep spending money!" When their policy for the last decade has been to create a completely useless several TRILLION dollar war, which we are still cleaning up.
The entire sum of their strategy is to make things suck, then point the blame on everyone else. What is most upsetting to the intellectual mind is not that this comes from the news, the bought and paid for politicians and talk radio. What upsets thinking people most is when other thinking people buy this garbage. When thinking people are held in thrall by complete garbage such as this. When the people who you want to help most say they don't want it because Fox news told them Democrats aren't human. We want to scream at them. They threaten to suceed and many of us are thinking "that would be nice, then you'd stop dragging those of us that want a better world down". Of course they won't. I mean who would shut the government down? Who would sabotage democrats and independents at every turn? How would the forces of capitalism keep everyone else in line? I do not know.
I know I am just one man. I do not see any purpose here. I do not see any hope. That isn't to say there isn't any, I'm just too deep in the wrong part of the battle. I pray I get out of this place soon. I'll hold on until I lose the ability to keep my grip to the hope that God will answer my prayers. Someone out there must be more powerful than the forces that stand against me. God is that someone.
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