some things are happening that frankly I don't have all the tools in terms of communication to talk about. I've recieved enough verification that something is happening. I've seen the footprints in the sand, if it makes any sense(it might not). It's hard to wrap your mind around the problems of the spirit. Look I'm not going to pretend for even a moment that I am some pure or perfect being. I can't talk down to you. Consider my position, if I talked down to you I would have to completely discount the wonder that is you.
You have survived, and for whatever reason you are still on this planet because you either have something you are going to do or something you are doing. Recently I have been dealing with holiday traffic and one of my favorite exercises in forgiveness is rush hour driving. It's so hard to forgive inconsiderate and dangerously bad drivers, but living in a city demands it. The one thought that gets me through is "They must have a good reason." Suddenly when I think that, I can't be angry. It gives me empathy. I imagine what if it was me. What if where-ever they are going IS really that urgent. Then I realize it must be to them. Then I feel their pain. I feel sad for them, and I hope for them that they do get where-ever they need to be on time. I still have to deal with their bad driving. I still see it as bad driving, but I also see the hurt that makes it happen.
I think this must be some of how God sees us. We screw up all the time. But God forgives, and then helps us up. One of the biggest moments in my recovery is when I realized that my ex did what she did because she was a broken human being. She still did unspeakable wrong to my life. She cut into me and it still hurts even three years later. But she did it because she had good reasons. She was hurt, she was broken. I may not have dealt the best with it either as it so happens, but there you are. She's moved on, which means she forgave me. She offered me forgiveness. Not understanding, because that's not what I needed from her. She let it go. I've done my best to do the same.
I didn't mean to get on rambling about forgiveness....
I wanted to talk about where I'm at, or maybe where I am going. I've been told that things are going to change, in the way I predicted three years ago, and SOON (26 days left at this point according to one prediction). I wish I could sum up the complicated feelings in my heart in just a few words. The biggest problem is doubt. I do not doubt in any way that God (the universe, whatever you want to call that force) wants go give me good things to bring joy to my heart. The doubt is with how I have read the signs. I'm imperfect, as are all the people I'm listening to. Distrust is my knee jerk reaction to people telling me what I want to hear. Usually I think they are BSing me. Frankly it won't be real until it is real. There at the moment is nothing to do but keep eyes on the horizon for the change. Distrusting it won't bring it sooner. I don't know if trusting will make a difference either.
I pray I will look back on this post SOON and see I worried for nothing. I've waited for so many things in my life and sure enough eventually many of them came. Some didn't (Laurel, marriage lasting, a few other things) but in the end I have to admit that giving those to the Lord I must realize that them not happening made me a better man. I mean my heart is made of leather at this point thanks to my heartbreaks. I've become very good at loving people without needing them to love me back. I've learned to not need approval and to endure rejections.... I guess one of my fears is that the universe wants me to learn to stop hoping... or grow up and get more realistic goals..... *sigh* But the Lord says to come to him as a small child. I read that as trusting with an open heart and open mind... So here I am, laying back and trusting him. I wish I could say more than that.
You have survived, and for whatever reason you are still on this planet because you either have something you are going to do or something you are doing. Recently I have been dealing with holiday traffic and one of my favorite exercises in forgiveness is rush hour driving. It's so hard to forgive inconsiderate and dangerously bad drivers, but living in a city demands it. The one thought that gets me through is "They must have a good reason." Suddenly when I think that, I can't be angry. It gives me empathy. I imagine what if it was me. What if where-ever they are going IS really that urgent. Then I realize it must be to them. Then I feel their pain. I feel sad for them, and I hope for them that they do get where-ever they need to be on time. I still have to deal with their bad driving. I still see it as bad driving, but I also see the hurt that makes it happen.
I think this must be some of how God sees us. We screw up all the time. But God forgives, and then helps us up. One of the biggest moments in my recovery is when I realized that my ex did what she did because she was a broken human being. She still did unspeakable wrong to my life. She cut into me and it still hurts even three years later. But she did it because she had good reasons. She was hurt, she was broken. I may not have dealt the best with it either as it so happens, but there you are. She's moved on, which means she forgave me. She offered me forgiveness. Not understanding, because that's not what I needed from her. She let it go. I've done my best to do the same.
I didn't mean to get on rambling about forgiveness....
I wanted to talk about where I'm at, or maybe where I am going. I've been told that things are going to change, in the way I predicted three years ago, and SOON (26 days left at this point according to one prediction). I wish I could sum up the complicated feelings in my heart in just a few words. The biggest problem is doubt. I do not doubt in any way that God (the universe, whatever you want to call that force) wants go give me good things to bring joy to my heart. The doubt is with how I have read the signs. I'm imperfect, as are all the people I'm listening to. Distrust is my knee jerk reaction to people telling me what I want to hear. Usually I think they are BSing me. Frankly it won't be real until it is real. There at the moment is nothing to do but keep eyes on the horizon for the change. Distrusting it won't bring it sooner. I don't know if trusting will make a difference either.
I pray I will look back on this post SOON and see I worried for nothing. I've waited for so many things in my life and sure enough eventually many of them came. Some didn't (Laurel, marriage lasting, a few other things) but in the end I have to admit that giving those to the Lord I must realize that them not happening made me a better man. I mean my heart is made of leather at this point thanks to my heartbreaks. I've become very good at loving people without needing them to love me back. I've learned to not need approval and to endure rejections.... I guess one of my fears is that the universe wants me to learn to stop hoping... or grow up and get more realistic goals..... *sigh* But the Lord says to come to him as a small child. I read that as trusting with an open heart and open mind... So here I am, laying back and trusting him. I wish I could say more than that.
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