I'm still waiting for a breakthrough. I am told time and again by others, by sermons, even by scripture that it's coming, but there are times, right now being one of them that it is really hard to hope for any kind of miraculous or supernatural movement of God in my life.
Here is my problem, he is great with tons of little ways of showing me he is still in my life. He loves to pieces to send me broken people to help. Loves it. And it blesses me too in it's way. But it isn't an answer. It isn't a way out of this place. It isn't even CLOSE to the hope I need. Feeling like a fricken paper towel to clean up other people's messes is not feeling blessed. It's feeling used, it's feeling cheap, and it's feeling unloved. Why is he so consistant in answering other's prayer through me yet I feel so unheard and without hope? How am I supposed to stay hopeful for those I help when after days like today the only hope I have is that I know someday I will no longer have to live on this god forsaken planet. I know many people say that not knowing the meaning of those words, but I mean it Paul. I look around and I seriously wonder whether God has any part in how this planet is run. I meet people, often enough people who claim to be of faith or of God and they are cruel and difficult.
I fight against poverty constantly, dispite God's "love" for me I am frequently sick, lacking for basic needs, and wishing I could just END IT. But no, no one will let me, I would hurt people. You know people say suicide is selfish? You know what is selfish? making someone live someplace that makes them miserable. That is selfish. Considering that I consider my loved ones and God very selfish for forcing me to go on with this meaningless thing.
I was trying to help someone and they asked me an honest question and it stuck in my mind, because I had some data that maybe I would hear some good news by the middle of next week. They said "what if you don't"? And frankly, I had no idea what to say. What if God doesn't show up when I need him to? Well..... sucks for me huh? That's kind of where I'm at.... too bad you expected something at this time. God might very well say wait and then here I am, waiting and waiting and waiting. You know it's know wonder the Isrealites cursed God. Wouldn't you? If you had to force march through the desert for 40 meaningless hopeless years waiting to die, would you be a big fan of God? I don't think I would. It's actually probably the biggest miracle in the book that in that time Moses didn't forsake God.
Here is another item of prayer I have no idea what to do about, my family. I just found out that my parents are completely miserable in poverty. Why, if God answered my prayer I could fix that in a heart beat and take care of the people I love. If only if only, story of my life.
This boils down to one fundamental problem, that being that my source is the Lord and I don't know what he feels like providing. I never do. I don't know when he's going to do what he said he would do. I might die before he does, because that happens. Frankly, I give it better odds. Why? because I have 100% proof that someday I will pass on. Everyone who has ever lived has. I'm actually rather confused as to why anyone would be sad, it's great, because this planet (or maybe just Tulsa) is pretty disappointing. Kids grow up, can't survive in the economy, have to watch their parents struggle to make it while the rich get richer. Do you know if it wasn't for this particularly evil thing called money, my parents would have no problems at all. My parents have worked hard their entire life, but thanks to banks and financial messes, they don't get to retire. Ever. I'm not having children. We all have to give up things so that the rich can have another yacht. I mean, if us poor didn't sacrifice and pay our taxes and suffer, what would entertain the wealthy? Somebody has to do it. So if you have hope, I beg you share it because I don't see any
Here is my problem, he is great with tons of little ways of showing me he is still in my life. He loves to pieces to send me broken people to help. Loves it. And it blesses me too in it's way. But it isn't an answer. It isn't a way out of this place. It isn't even CLOSE to the hope I need. Feeling like a fricken paper towel to clean up other people's messes is not feeling blessed. It's feeling used, it's feeling cheap, and it's feeling unloved. Why is he so consistant in answering other's prayer through me yet I feel so unheard and without hope? How am I supposed to stay hopeful for those I help when after days like today the only hope I have is that I know someday I will no longer have to live on this god forsaken planet. I know many people say that not knowing the meaning of those words, but I mean it Paul. I look around and I seriously wonder whether God has any part in how this planet is run. I meet people, often enough people who claim to be of faith or of God and they are cruel and difficult.
I fight against poverty constantly, dispite God's "love" for me I am frequently sick, lacking for basic needs, and wishing I could just END IT. But no, no one will let me, I would hurt people. You know people say suicide is selfish? You know what is selfish? making someone live someplace that makes them miserable. That is selfish. Considering that I consider my loved ones and God very selfish for forcing me to go on with this meaningless thing.
I was trying to help someone and they asked me an honest question and it stuck in my mind, because I had some data that maybe I would hear some good news by the middle of next week. They said "what if you don't"? And frankly, I had no idea what to say. What if God doesn't show up when I need him to? Well..... sucks for me huh? That's kind of where I'm at.... too bad you expected something at this time. God might very well say wait and then here I am, waiting and waiting and waiting. You know it's know wonder the Isrealites cursed God. Wouldn't you? If you had to force march through the desert for 40 meaningless hopeless years waiting to die, would you be a big fan of God? I don't think I would. It's actually probably the biggest miracle in the book that in that time Moses didn't forsake God.
Here is another item of prayer I have no idea what to do about, my family. I just found out that my parents are completely miserable in poverty. Why, if God answered my prayer I could fix that in a heart beat and take care of the people I love. If only if only, story of my life.
This boils down to one fundamental problem, that being that my source is the Lord and I don't know what he feels like providing. I never do. I don't know when he's going to do what he said he would do. I might die before he does, because that happens. Frankly, I give it better odds. Why? because I have 100% proof that someday I will pass on. Everyone who has ever lived has. I'm actually rather confused as to why anyone would be sad, it's great, because this planet (or maybe just Tulsa) is pretty disappointing. Kids grow up, can't survive in the economy, have to watch their parents struggle to make it while the rich get richer. Do you know if it wasn't for this particularly evil thing called money, my parents would have no problems at all. My parents have worked hard their entire life, but thanks to banks and financial messes, they don't get to retire. Ever. I'm not having children. We all have to give up things so that the rich can have another yacht. I mean, if us poor didn't sacrifice and pay our taxes and suffer, what would entertain the wealthy? Somebody has to do it. So if you have hope, I beg you share it because I don't see any
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