So I spent quite a lot of time last night discussing through all the crap that I've been trying to process for the past week. Things like being suicidal, dealing with my feelings for Nikki, trying to help her, to some extent trying to process how she's dealing with her stuff. Ok, look, I'm not getting to finish my thoughts any more because I don't get enough time with my keyboard to type out everything I'm thinking. If you want to know the truth that's the greatest frustration in my life right now. This is my best therapy I can get between visits to the doctor and I don't get to have it when she's using it to play music all night. (Country music too, I'm trying to like it, key word trying.) I just wish I could afford to replace my desktop, then I would use that all the time, or she could use it, it doesn't really matter to me since all I want to do is read articles, check facebook and play minecraft. Not big demands I think. I don't even get off much anymore. Oh and watch the shows I miss. Still, not much.
Anyway the point I'm getting around to is that right now I feel like a man walking through the desert, I know that there is water somewhere out here. So I'm walking in the direction of where I THINK water should be. Of course in my case the water is moving, but whatever. I'm deep enough in that it's my sincere belief that I'm closer to this water source than I am if I were to start going in another direction. If I were to turn around and try and hike back to where I came from for example (metaphorically speaking the christian world), it would be a much longer hike than just pushing on. The problem is the lack of a map, or any way to measure distance. I've subjected myself to shortage before, that isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is how long will it last? I feel like jews waiting for the allies to liberate me. Like in that movie Jacob Liar. I keep hoping that the things I'm seeing are signs that what I need is on it's way... but I don't know. My brain might be perceptive on it or not. My honest opinion right now is probably not before she leaves to go back home, which means the wait is pretty much indefinite. Because that makes the wait not just for her to come home, but for her to come back. Which is sketchy at best. *sigh* But that's how it is. You take off to throw a ring into a mountain.... which should be a simple enough task, and then you get stuck along the way. Kidnapped by orcs and the like. By the third book you don't even know why you're doing shit anymore. All you want is to take off the fucking ring and throw it in the mountain.... and then you can't because you've gotten hooked. Lets not go that far with the metaphor.
Anyway the point I'm getting around to is that right now I feel like a man walking through the desert, I know that there is water somewhere out here. So I'm walking in the direction of where I THINK water should be. Of course in my case the water is moving, but whatever. I'm deep enough in that it's my sincere belief that I'm closer to this water source than I am if I were to start going in another direction. If I were to turn around and try and hike back to where I came from for example (metaphorically speaking the christian world), it would be a much longer hike than just pushing on. The problem is the lack of a map, or any way to measure distance. I've subjected myself to shortage before, that isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is how long will it last? I feel like jews waiting for the allies to liberate me. Like in that movie Jacob Liar. I keep hoping that the things I'm seeing are signs that what I need is on it's way... but I don't know. My brain might be perceptive on it or not. My honest opinion right now is probably not before she leaves to go back home, which means the wait is pretty much indefinite. Because that makes the wait not just for her to come home, but for her to come back. Which is sketchy at best. *sigh* But that's how it is. You take off to throw a ring into a mountain.... which should be a simple enough task, and then you get stuck along the way. Kidnapped by orcs and the like. By the third book you don't even know why you're doing shit anymore. All you want is to take off the fucking ring and throw it in the mountain.... and then you can't because you've gotten hooked. Lets not go that far with the metaphor.
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