Today has been a complete waste of time. I hate this life sometimes, particularly when I feel like I'm making no progress in my life. I am completely alone, have been almost all week. I don't know what to think anymore. At the moment I don't even know whether to have hope for my love life. Yes, sooner or later I'm sure I'll get to sleep with an attractive young lady (the as yet unmet number 9 most likely given the way this month is going.) To be fair I would like to note that I would like to be with number 8 quite a bit more. Honestly if she'd have me I'd try and make it work long term, whatever that means. At the moment I don't see that happening, but with God all things are possible.
That brings me around to another upsetting thing. God has been rather talkative, though not through his own mouth. One thing I liked that I heard this week is that God has three answers to prayer:
1 Yes
2 Not Yet
3 I have a better idea.
Now as I may have shared before I have one prayer, that is to see my vision happen. To give you some realism, I went to bed every night for three months praying about it. And I have been talking to God about it for over a year. For a long time I thought it was number two, not yet. And that has frustrated me considerably, because I have trouble understanding why. It's not number one, at any rate not yet. What scares me most, and confuses me most is the possibility of number three, that he has a better idea. Frankly I can't imagine a better idea, that is for me anyway. I'm really confused by what this is all supposed to mean.
Add in that I had bad dreams all night last night.
So I will say what I have said a few times before, and that is God is on the move. However I won't be EXCITED about that prospect until that actually means something in my life other than him holding me back from death. Oh and on that note I'm not particularly suicidal right now, but I don't understand why that is. Honestly, there is no reason for me to be alive right now. No future and all that. Anyway progress marches on and waits for no man.
That brings me around to another upsetting thing. God has been rather talkative, though not through his own mouth. One thing I liked that I heard this week is that God has three answers to prayer:
1 Yes
2 Not Yet
3 I have a better idea.
Now as I may have shared before I have one prayer, that is to see my vision happen. To give you some realism, I went to bed every night for three months praying about it. And I have been talking to God about it for over a year. For a long time I thought it was number two, not yet. And that has frustrated me considerably, because I have trouble understanding why. It's not number one, at any rate not yet. What scares me most, and confuses me most is the possibility of number three, that he has a better idea. Frankly I can't imagine a better idea, that is for me anyway. I'm really confused by what this is all supposed to mean.
Add in that I had bad dreams all night last night.
So I will say what I have said a few times before, and that is God is on the move. However I won't be EXCITED about that prospect until that actually means something in my life other than him holding me back from death. Oh and on that note I'm not particularly suicidal right now, but I don't understand why that is. Honestly, there is no reason for me to be alive right now. No future and all that. Anyway progress marches on and waits for no man.
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