Sorry to have been away from the keyboard for a few days, three day work weekend was the reason. Ugh, glad that's over. Of course I'm doing it all over again in 5 days. Anyway. Life is sending me some really mixed signals. For example on the romance front, I've been falling for this amazing girl, who I must admit IS my girlfriend (should I feel accomplished?) However, at the same time she's dealing with some junk in her own life. I don't want to trivialize it, she's trying to work out how her and the baby daddy are going to be parents to her kid (Max's Brain says "I told you so, she's not done with him.") So I've been trying not to be jealous. Friday after I was a particular jerk I bought her flowers. That also signified that I intended to be not so jealous again. Of course last night I was jealous. For one that he gets to hurt his ex. Anyone who has read my backlog knows that I dream of hurting my ex on that level. Of course I would have to have feelings for her and be capable of compassion towards the cow. *sigh*
So I flat out asked her, not me being jealous, me being me, "Do you still want to be with him, don't lie?" and she says no, and that she's working on getting close to me.... we'll see on that score. I could not have been more honest and given her a better chance. I told her it was obvious she had felt something for him and since she had something so wonderful with him she should be with him. GAH, is that so hard? If you want to pine over this guy for the rest of your life that's great, go do that, meanwhile I'll continue to sleep my way through the phone book because the woman I love doesn't want me. Every time I love a woman I can't have her. And that's when after being pushed away too much by the woman I care for I reach a compromise with a woman that will be with me. It really ticks me off that women that I want can't FUCKING want me. Am I this bad at choosing? Maybe I get with them because it's safe and they'll never feel a damn thing for me.
I try to have high self esteem, I try to believe in myself but when I have this huge FUCKING failure in the middle of my life it's hard to say "Hey Max is a great guy." No one else thinks so, obviously. So what am I supposed to do? This time I'm trying to be patient, because she's given me a shot and I've never had a shot before. This morning I wanted to cuddle. "No, you made me sick." Alright, first of all I didn't know I was sick. Second, if I was, and SHE's the girlfriend, shouldn't she have tried to help me feel better? The mind astounds.
So last night, after a marathon work day I come home and have to spend the evening having my jealousy poked at. So I did some shots... which was great aside from that after three I felt too sick to go on.
So in addition to all this after all that I have micheal tell me that he thinks that all that is standing in the way of my dream is that I haven't thanked God for the miracle. OK, first of all I did do all the faith stuff I'm aware of in the beginning with this thing. BUT, for the sake of that I still have dreams I'm going to do it. Every day for a week. Then see what happens.
So I flat out asked her, not me being jealous, me being me, "Do you still want to be with him, don't lie?" and she says no, and that she's working on getting close to me.... we'll see on that score. I could not have been more honest and given her a better chance. I told her it was obvious she had felt something for him and since she had something so wonderful with him she should be with him. GAH, is that so hard? If you want to pine over this guy for the rest of your life that's great, go do that, meanwhile I'll continue to sleep my way through the phone book because the woman I love doesn't want me. Every time I love a woman I can't have her. And that's when after being pushed away too much by the woman I care for I reach a compromise with a woman that will be with me. It really ticks me off that women that I want can't FUCKING want me. Am I this bad at choosing? Maybe I get with them because it's safe and they'll never feel a damn thing for me.
I try to have high self esteem, I try to believe in myself but when I have this huge FUCKING failure in the middle of my life it's hard to say "Hey Max is a great guy." No one else thinks so, obviously. So what am I supposed to do? This time I'm trying to be patient, because she's given me a shot and I've never had a shot before. This morning I wanted to cuddle. "No, you made me sick." Alright, first of all I didn't know I was sick. Second, if I was, and SHE's the girlfriend, shouldn't she have tried to help me feel better? The mind astounds.
So last night, after a marathon work day I come home and have to spend the evening having my jealousy poked at. So I did some shots... which was great aside from that after three I felt too sick to go on.
So in addition to all this after all that I have micheal tell me that he thinks that all that is standing in the way of my dream is that I haven't thanked God for the miracle. OK, first of all I did do all the faith stuff I'm aware of in the beginning with this thing. BUT, for the sake of that I still have dreams I'm going to do it. Every day for a week. Then see what happens.
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