so the trick with writing is doing it both when you need to do it to keep things updated (check) and to do it when you need it to vent feelings that you are having trouble dealing with (working on that right now).
I've started picking up french phrases that I would like to entertain adding to my vocabularly. La deoleur exquise means exquisite pain. So very french. From the country of love comes the only words that encompass my feelings. Words are everything. Words are to me more than air and food and water and pain killing wonders that have spanned my life. I know (for example) that the only end to my current pain will come with words. Of course action would have to play into it too... or inaction I suppose. For all my macho posturing I'm not good at just sitting back and taking pain. I have to do something about it... hence me writing because I can think of nothing else to do about it. I'm not entirely sure if people know what's going on with me. Sometimes I posture as unreadable but I am doubtless the most readable man there has ever been. I am utterly predictable and I don't lie. That, in fact, is one of my worries. How on earth can I be exciting as a lover if I'm the most damn predictable guy on the map?
She'll have to forgive me this ranting, because I do love her, but my worrying will not subside. It has infected my rather delicate stomach, which never has done everything a stomach should do to begin with. I just drank half a bottle of pepto bismal, and nothing, still sick. I keep swallowing air I think. I must be doing that. I want her love so bad and now it's JUST within reach. Imagine your favorite sweet treat (mine is generally rhubarb pie), one that you get maybe once a year, just sitting cooling on the counter. It will drive you nuts. You've been craving this for a long time, and now it's here and you cannot have it?! What's more when you have enjoyed other sweets the wait time was so short as to be negligible. As a man who gets what he wants it's hard for me to wait. Harder still to fall in love with someone holding back. Yet so I do, because she's......... beautiful, smart, and I think when she does reach the point of loving me she will be the most warm, yielding and nurturing woman I have yet to meet. Not sure of course.... damn it. I took some big risks to be here you know. BIG risks. I'm still taking risks the size of large stones sitting in an inappropriate organ (bladder or gal bladder, take your pick.)
I want her kiss.... I want her touch..... I want her to say she loves me and mean it with all her heart. I want to make love to her. Do you realize (polite and proper people shouldn't read past this) that I have returned to my teenage status towards sex, if not more pure at the moment. I haven't gotten off since she got here. This is the longest in almost two years. Because for one I want her, and two there hasn't been an oppertune moment to do such a thing (though as I type this I realize I do have some options if the need gets too great.) The pain, however, cannot be quenched through ordinary means. This is like a chemical fire, it's going to burn far too hot to put out. I'm not even able to hold it back. I smoked more than a pack today and it did not help.... at all. I drank myself into happiness the other day and that didn't last or help.
Cherchez la femme, look to the woman. If you want the answers about what is going on in my life and heart, look to the woman. I am looking to become a dad, at least a larger part because of her. But I need her love to do that. I'm not going to change diapers, make bottles and carry him around unless he's mine (I do two out of three now, and yes I do say he's mine when he's with me, and so does she..... you can analyze that all day long.) She's not good at communicating what I need communicating, or I'm not good at reading it or bringing it out. This whole thing is bringing up a few man issues, issues with "am I good enough?" I feel like if I was I would have effectively woo'ed her by now. Certain other guys certainly had no trouble. Are they better than me? At least in the case of getting there first they are..... more thoughts later, I'm getting dizzy
I've started picking up french phrases that I would like to entertain adding to my vocabularly. La deoleur exquise means exquisite pain. So very french. From the country of love comes the only words that encompass my feelings. Words are everything. Words are to me more than air and food and water and pain killing wonders that have spanned my life. I know (for example) that the only end to my current pain will come with words. Of course action would have to play into it too... or inaction I suppose. For all my macho posturing I'm not good at just sitting back and taking pain. I have to do something about it... hence me writing because I can think of nothing else to do about it. I'm not entirely sure if people know what's going on with me. Sometimes I posture as unreadable but I am doubtless the most readable man there has ever been. I am utterly predictable and I don't lie. That, in fact, is one of my worries. How on earth can I be exciting as a lover if I'm the most damn predictable guy on the map?
She'll have to forgive me this ranting, because I do love her, but my worrying will not subside. It has infected my rather delicate stomach, which never has done everything a stomach should do to begin with. I just drank half a bottle of pepto bismal, and nothing, still sick. I keep swallowing air I think. I must be doing that. I want her love so bad and now it's JUST within reach. Imagine your favorite sweet treat (mine is generally rhubarb pie), one that you get maybe once a year, just sitting cooling on the counter. It will drive you nuts. You've been craving this for a long time, and now it's here and you cannot have it?! What's more when you have enjoyed other sweets the wait time was so short as to be negligible. As a man who gets what he wants it's hard for me to wait. Harder still to fall in love with someone holding back. Yet so I do, because she's......... beautiful, smart, and I think when she does reach the point of loving me she will be the most warm, yielding and nurturing woman I have yet to meet. Not sure of course.... damn it. I took some big risks to be here you know. BIG risks. I'm still taking risks the size of large stones sitting in an inappropriate organ (bladder or gal bladder, take your pick.)
I want her kiss.... I want her touch..... I want her to say she loves me and mean it with all her heart. I want to make love to her. Do you realize (polite and proper people shouldn't read past this) that I have returned to my teenage status towards sex, if not more pure at the moment. I haven't gotten off since she got here. This is the longest in almost two years. Because for one I want her, and two there hasn't been an oppertune moment to do such a thing (though as I type this I realize I do have some options if the need gets too great.) The pain, however, cannot be quenched through ordinary means. This is like a chemical fire, it's going to burn far too hot to put out. I'm not even able to hold it back. I smoked more than a pack today and it did not help.... at all. I drank myself into happiness the other day and that didn't last or help.
Cherchez la femme, look to the woman. If you want the answers about what is going on in my life and heart, look to the woman. I am looking to become a dad, at least a larger part because of her. But I need her love to do that. I'm not going to change diapers, make bottles and carry him around unless he's mine (I do two out of three now, and yes I do say he's mine when he's with me, and so does she..... you can analyze that all day long.) She's not good at communicating what I need communicating, or I'm not good at reading it or bringing it out. This whole thing is bringing up a few man issues, issues with "am I good enough?" I feel like if I was I would have effectively woo'ed her by now. Certain other guys certainly had no trouble. Are they better than me? At least in the case of getting there first they are..... more thoughts later, I'm getting dizzy
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