letter to my girl

Hey baby,
      I'm just sitting here, dealing with anxiety caused by this medicine, missing you. I feel so sick to my stomach from this it isn't even funny. Maybe because normally when I feel this sick it's because I feel horrible about something that I'm worried so much about every little thing. I keep thinking that I must be feeling guilty about something. What do I have to feel guilty about? My past is the first thing that pops into my head. I think I really just need to type out this problem and I'll feel better. Hence the drafting of this letter. I feel guilty about being with a man, that I was with a man right before we met. Something in my brain wants to make more of it than I wanted to, so I'm using some logic on this. First of all, and mind you I'm trying very hard not to rationalize, I wasn't with you. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't become aware of you until after that happened. That's a calming thought. Second, my past is my past, you've accepted that and I need to. I feel guilty about being diagnosed with a disease (since this version is for my blog I'll just say it's an STD, not AIDS). It's like it's all my fault. I mean it IS. And aren't I already paying the consequences? What am I worried about? You know the score on my past. You know the risks. You love me regardless..... I'm scared of losing your love. You love me so well, but sometimes you get so mad at me, like I'm not the man you pictured yourself with. That's why I try to be very real about who I am. If I lose you at this point because of who I am, or because of my past I can't control that. No amount of talking will undo everything I have done. Only God can provide the forgiveness I seek, not you. I need to pray..... break for a moment, talk amongst yourselves.


to be continued