update 8-28

Journal 8-28

So I'm feeling very frustrated and this is all I have to work with, typing up a future blog entry that I may never publish.

Last night I dreamed again.... about Nikki. In my dream my dad and she were conversing about my attraction to her. He talked about my devotion.... etc etc. And how james will never love her like I would, or be a good father like I might. And she decided to leave him for me. SO we started trying to be intimate. It was wonderful. Of course I felt guilt, something felt wrong that by the force of my will I had received what I wanted so bad at the expense of her relationship with him. Which is why I'm trying not to sabotage it. If she leaves him, and chooses me, it should be her idea. I tried to kiss her and it all fell apart.
I put on my music forget the day
think of a girl that I used to know,
I close my eyes and I drift away

(guitar riff)
It's more than a feeling
more than a feeling
when I hear that old song once again
I've been believing, more than a feeling
see Mary Ann walk away
I see that Mary Ann walking away

Check bounced, now I'm short over 160 dollars because of the bank and the insurance agency, now that's not counting the money I pray is sitting in my drawer.

Anyway got through first two classes. I need to find a way to access the net on campus.... will work on that in about two hours.
Anyway, it's still eating at me about dreaming about Nikki, being as how I can't have her. In my dream she realized that I was the better choice... because of Dad. And she resented it.... so I read anyway hence the failed kiss. She's talking about moving out if she loses her job.... I'm trying to be very apathetic about it. After all, if she does I can rent to one person and make more money, And have better parking. But I'd miss her.... a bit. Lately she's been less pleasant, she promises things and doesn't do them. It's a problem of how affection and love works. People can hurt you, but then again you can forget. I've started to come around to the idea that I care/cared for my ex wife. Yes, I loved her. Not just in the traditional sense that I affectionately enjoyed her attentions (that was the first step to have to admit). Over time I have discovered that I also miss her touch, her eyes, how it felt to come home to her, the security of her love and her being there. Now of course I realize the security was an illusion.

In other news I apparently talked my way through a block with a witty new girl. No more details for now, I've learned my lesson.