A birthday for some people is a very dangerous thing. It's not safe to grow old, and times like this are a common pitfall to pull us down as we mark another year passing. For many years I have had a private belief that it was entirely possible that my birthday was cursed. This year sadly didn't help improve that.
I feel some background is necessary to explain the curse. It seems to me that it would be more reasonable for a person with an ego the size mine is to enjoy a birthday. After all it is a day about me. In actual fact the first issue I have with it is that in general people let me down on this day. Christmas holds a similar yuck factor that you build it up for months then it comes and it can never live up to your hopes. So every year I try to have lower expectations. Sometimes I get myself something I wanted, sometimes I don't. My parents always do something, but it's still a rough day.
More pressing on the docket of why I dislike birthdays is the events that happen on them. This year for example the day before I was supposed to lose my health insurance (thanks insurance company). Then the day of I got in a small accident with a curb and hurt my fender, destroyed my headlight, dented my wheel and didn't get the fancy breakfast out I was offered. Then I got in a fight with my girlfriend because I was pretty unhappy about the whole ordeal. Oh, and top that off with a disagreement with my parents where they argue the point that it's all going to be okay, and I fall to pieces. That was the first half of my day.
Somewhere near the midpoint I got really angry at God about this whole thing. More specifically I was heartbroken that I had prayed SO hard for better economic times so I could be insulated, and it didn't quite work out that way. It pushes me beyond my breaking point to try to understand how or why his timing is taking so long.
Then something happened. I saw my girl break down and cry about how awful this situation has become. Crying seemed like the right thing to do actually, because things have been pretty bleak and awful. She was crying and sounded so broken I went over and held her. Partially I have to admit the motivation was to do what was right by her. At least some of it was that it hurt me to see her so damaged by this storm we are in. I feel awful that I am so helpless in this situation.
She was by the front door. She closed it, threw her keys on the ground and fell against the door sobbing. I embraced her as she cried. The crying got even louder, I'm standing there thinking "Why God, why?"
Then I see my "daily motivation" on the back of the door. I wrote the thing in a moment of feeling really close to God. There are probably five of them posted around the house. Actually I barely look at them anymore. But I read it while I held her. It said, "God is in control, God has a good plan." Now if someone else had said that to me at that point I might have slapped them. But seeing these words I had written on the door was different. It made me come to terms with the truth of who God is.
To really trust him I have to submit to the fact that he does have a plan. I may not like where I am, but he's got some idea of how and when it is going to get better. I have entrusted him with so much and something inside of me keeps saying that it won't be much more or much longer before he shows me how he rewards trust and faithfulness.
Today is just another day in the trudge through this dark time in my life. I won't sugar coat it. But God's promise is still just as true today as it was before. He'll lead me out, even if I'm not smart enough or resourceful enough to do it myself.
I feel some background is necessary to explain the curse. It seems to me that it would be more reasonable for a person with an ego the size mine is to enjoy a birthday. After all it is a day about me. In actual fact the first issue I have with it is that in general people let me down on this day. Christmas holds a similar yuck factor that you build it up for months then it comes and it can never live up to your hopes. So every year I try to have lower expectations. Sometimes I get myself something I wanted, sometimes I don't. My parents always do something, but it's still a rough day.
More pressing on the docket of why I dislike birthdays is the events that happen on them. This year for example the day before I was supposed to lose my health insurance (thanks insurance company). Then the day of I got in a small accident with a curb and hurt my fender, destroyed my headlight, dented my wheel and didn't get the fancy breakfast out I was offered. Then I got in a fight with my girlfriend because I was pretty unhappy about the whole ordeal. Oh, and top that off with a disagreement with my parents where they argue the point that it's all going to be okay, and I fall to pieces. That was the first half of my day.
Somewhere near the midpoint I got really angry at God about this whole thing. More specifically I was heartbroken that I had prayed SO hard for better economic times so I could be insulated, and it didn't quite work out that way. It pushes me beyond my breaking point to try to understand how or why his timing is taking so long.
Then something happened. I saw my girl break down and cry about how awful this situation has become. Crying seemed like the right thing to do actually, because things have been pretty bleak and awful. She was crying and sounded so broken I went over and held her. Partially I have to admit the motivation was to do what was right by her. At least some of it was that it hurt me to see her so damaged by this storm we are in. I feel awful that I am so helpless in this situation.
She was by the front door. She closed it, threw her keys on the ground and fell against the door sobbing. I embraced her as she cried. The crying got even louder, I'm standing there thinking "Why God, why?"
Then I see my "daily motivation" on the back of the door. I wrote the thing in a moment of feeling really close to God. There are probably five of them posted around the house. Actually I barely look at them anymore. But I read it while I held her. It said, "God is in control, God has a good plan." Now if someone else had said that to me at that point I might have slapped them. But seeing these words I had written on the door was different. It made me come to terms with the truth of who God is.
To really trust him I have to submit to the fact that he does have a plan. I may not like where I am, but he's got some idea of how and when it is going to get better. I have entrusted him with so much and something inside of me keeps saying that it won't be much more or much longer before he shows me how he rewards trust and faithfulness.
Today is just another day in the trudge through this dark time in my life. I won't sugar coat it. But God's promise is still just as true today as it was before. He'll lead me out, even if I'm not smart enough or resourceful enough to do it myself.
My heart truly goes out to Max and anyone else going through such hard times. I think we all have felt that "Why me, God?" moment at least at one point in our life's. I love the way Max knows that god has a plan for all of us. I have had to remind myself that and the love God has for me many times in my life.
ReplyDeleteI know of this blog that I think is similar to Max's in the sense that it helps us figure how important it is to have God in our life's. http://goo.gl/F0NGgG
I would love to hear what you think of it?
I like this article, it is as interesting and thought provoking as anything else I have read. I read on average about five articles on how other Christians are dealing with grief while trying to protect or defend their faith. In the end it's such a personal journey. I think that God really challenges us when we reach an answer other than that he will make it better.
DeleteThis is where the rubber hits the road. When you find the strength to endure your struggles, it's more than faith. Sometimes it's more than just faith, because frankly faith alone won't go the distance. Your faith can't save you when you are alone in the dark and it feels like it is all over.
Now God can redeem the situation, I won't deny that. But it's about who we are, do we really trust him. It's about how we behave when there is no benefit to love or righteousness. If you cease to love your neighbor, did you really learn the lesson?
You may not see God this side of heaven answer your prayer. Even worse to come to terms with the general conclusion is that you aren't allowed to hurry your entry into heaven. At times like this we have to cling to how men of God behaved under pressure. They cried, they screamed, they ripped their clothes and gave up and waited for death. God listened, God comforted, and God eventually showed up. God does not cease to love us when we are ready to give up. If we really bring it to him, he loves us so much more in that moment. Never forget who he is, and what he has given us already. One day at a time I stand with you! Hold strong and wait for God, and be ready to celebrate when he delivers.
Very powerful insight. I agree-never give up on God because he never gives up on us. Thanks Max!
DeleteThis is a very relatable post! I love the insights on believing that God has a plan and we may not always know that plan. Plus, I think that God knows us enough that He lets bad things happen and expectations fall through because He knows we can grow from those experiences and come closer to Him. In the comments, one thing that stuck out to me was "celebrate when he delivers". He will always deliver. Great Post in the comments too.
ReplyDeleteI really love what Max said "If you cease to love your neighbor, did you really learn the lesson?" I feel like that is such an important statement! It is so true that we can find strength and learn through the hard times God gives to us. I have found recently through the difficult experience of losing a loved one that there is always a lesson God has given me the opportunity to learn. I recently read this quote in an article that brought me a lot of comfort and it reminds me of what Max pointed out here about God's love never ceasing,
ReplyDelete"Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there."
The rest of this talk is
http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2013/09/we-never-walk-alone?lang=eng&query=article+we+never+walk+alone
Max's comment really brought to my mind the question of, "What am I willing to DO to reach out to God during these hard times in life?" I would love to hear some of your thoughts