There are many, so many words to describe where I am. To a point I'm at the end of one road. To another, I'm at the beginning of the next. I wanted to title this many things.
"Empty Optimist"
"Faith in the Hopeless"
"Being full up dead and empty alive."
But this word "endure" kept coming up. I don't know!
I don't know! My mind screams it to the sky like a man who has lost all reason.
I don't know! I will never know! I don't even have the certitude of facts to be sure I won't know! Hahahaha! I am so empty, lost and gone. I don't see nirvana, I can't even see tomorrow. Blind without even eyes to see what I want to see the most I grope and gasp for air in an airless prison.
Here I stand. I stand at the bottom because it is that. I stand on my faith when all hope is gone. Imagine if everything you ever hoped for was gone. Imagine if the one who loved you most told you that your dreams may never happen. Now be okay with that. Oh yes, now it becomes so much harder. We feel torn apart and empty, when our hopes turn up empty. Our trust in an expectation for better turns up completely worse. Our taboos, our morals, and our character just taunt us.
Now I will say what I want to say, because there is no magic way of talking which will make his blessing rain down. He will bless when he wills to bless, and he will test and lead us through trial when he wants as well. Do you understand? He LEADS us through fucking trials. I try not to cuss but I'm pissed off.
That means that the shitstorm you and I are in, he brought us here. Is it of his making? I doubt it, because it is in God's nature to love and do good for us. But make it or not could not matter less for those of us in the midst of trials and storms beyond our control. We know (if we have any kind of faith) he has the ability to calm the storm, to end the trial. He doesn't do that. Why?
This is not a poor me statement. Fuck that. I don't care what you think of me. It's actually laughable the kind of stupid sermon's I've heard and thought "what a rich kid mentality". I've heard people agonize over such stupid pointless shit. I mean who the fuck cares if your sports team wins, or for that matter who is president? Who cares if your kid makes the sports team? Who cares? Yes, I suppose God cares. God doesn't care about the stupid stuff, he cares about you. It bothers him when we hurt because he loves us.
I stopped talking to real people awhile ago about what really bothers me. Because you know what? No one cares why you are hurting. They'd like you to stop. Sometimes Christians and others will be used by God and will try to help you. Sometimes. Most of the time you're on your own.
God led you in, and God can lead you out. He can. I don't have a fucking clue about if he will. I'll tell you something, eventually you will get hurt. If you love people those people are probably going to die. Or you'll die and you'll HATE hurting them that way. If you don't have a big investment in people, you'll probably grow old, and likely you'll die. Sad, horrible things will likely still happen. But there are two likely ways it will work out. You can give up, and God will still love you. Because even if you give up, God doesn't. He's a persistent fucker, and I mean that with all the genuine love I have in my heart for him.
The other option? Endure. It's the one most powerful word in human history. Through all your suffering, you can endure it. I know this. My trial has lasted much longer than I thought it would. I can't even see the end, and you know I don't know how to picture it anymore. Good thing it's not my job to end it. God led me in to test something. Maybe it's character, or faith, or just to see how long I'd hold on. Well, whatever it is, I found the strength to endure. I found out that I can find peace in where I am today. Am I happy? For sure not.
I guess the point I'm at is that there is only one reason left. I love God. Note that I didn't say I liked him. Some days he pisses me off. He frustrates and confuses me, but that doesn't make me stop loving him. Honestly if him not stopping my pain was enough to disturb my love for him I wouldn't call that love. I'd call that like, or strategic partnership. I know many people in strategic partnership with God. They want something, and they believe God will help them get it. Maybe he will. I also won't say he isn't going to fulfill the desires I have. I'm going to say that isn't a requirement.
This is the definition of love. If my girl doesn't cook a nice dinner for me I don't hold it against her. I love her the same. If she breaks something precious to me, I still love her. I may get angry, I may get hurt, but my love can endure that. Love is a choice partly, but it's almost a reflex. If we find love we fall back into it. We trust it, even when we don't know why. Which brings us into love song territory. And there's nothing rational here, but to be honest here at the bottom there isn't an abundance of rationality. There's nothing rational about poverty, or being lost.
No more answers today than yesterday. I'm going to start work on a research project soon. Peace and Goodnight.
"Empty Optimist"
"Faith in the Hopeless"
"Being full up dead and empty alive."
But this word "endure" kept coming up. I don't know!
I don't know! My mind screams it to the sky like a man who has lost all reason.
I don't know! I will never know! I don't even have the certitude of facts to be sure I won't know! Hahahaha! I am so empty, lost and gone. I don't see nirvana, I can't even see tomorrow. Blind without even eyes to see what I want to see the most I grope and gasp for air in an airless prison.
Here I stand. I stand at the bottom because it is that. I stand on my faith when all hope is gone. Imagine if everything you ever hoped for was gone. Imagine if the one who loved you most told you that your dreams may never happen. Now be okay with that. Oh yes, now it becomes so much harder. We feel torn apart and empty, when our hopes turn up empty. Our trust in an expectation for better turns up completely worse. Our taboos, our morals, and our character just taunt us.
Now I will say what I want to say, because there is no magic way of talking which will make his blessing rain down. He will bless when he wills to bless, and he will test and lead us through trial when he wants as well. Do you understand? He LEADS us through fucking trials. I try not to cuss but I'm pissed off.
That means that the shitstorm you and I are in, he brought us here. Is it of his making? I doubt it, because it is in God's nature to love and do good for us. But make it or not could not matter less for those of us in the midst of trials and storms beyond our control. We know (if we have any kind of faith) he has the ability to calm the storm, to end the trial. He doesn't do that. Why?
This is not a poor me statement. Fuck that. I don't care what you think of me. It's actually laughable the kind of stupid sermon's I've heard and thought "what a rich kid mentality". I've heard people agonize over such stupid pointless shit. I mean who the fuck cares if your sports team wins, or for that matter who is president? Who cares if your kid makes the sports team? Who cares? Yes, I suppose God cares. God doesn't care about the stupid stuff, he cares about you. It bothers him when we hurt because he loves us.
I stopped talking to real people awhile ago about what really bothers me. Because you know what? No one cares why you are hurting. They'd like you to stop. Sometimes Christians and others will be used by God and will try to help you. Sometimes. Most of the time you're on your own.
God led you in, and God can lead you out. He can. I don't have a fucking clue about if he will. I'll tell you something, eventually you will get hurt. If you love people those people are probably going to die. Or you'll die and you'll HATE hurting them that way. If you don't have a big investment in people, you'll probably grow old, and likely you'll die. Sad, horrible things will likely still happen. But there are two likely ways it will work out. You can give up, and God will still love you. Because even if you give up, God doesn't. He's a persistent fucker, and I mean that with all the genuine love I have in my heart for him.
The other option? Endure. It's the one most powerful word in human history. Through all your suffering, you can endure it. I know this. My trial has lasted much longer than I thought it would. I can't even see the end, and you know I don't know how to picture it anymore. Good thing it's not my job to end it. God led me in to test something. Maybe it's character, or faith, or just to see how long I'd hold on. Well, whatever it is, I found the strength to endure. I found out that I can find peace in where I am today. Am I happy? For sure not.
I guess the point I'm at is that there is only one reason left. I love God. Note that I didn't say I liked him. Some days he pisses me off. He frustrates and confuses me, but that doesn't make me stop loving him. Honestly if him not stopping my pain was enough to disturb my love for him I wouldn't call that love. I'd call that like, or strategic partnership. I know many people in strategic partnership with God. They want something, and they believe God will help them get it. Maybe he will. I also won't say he isn't going to fulfill the desires I have. I'm going to say that isn't a requirement.
This is the definition of love. If my girl doesn't cook a nice dinner for me I don't hold it against her. I love her the same. If she breaks something precious to me, I still love her. I may get angry, I may get hurt, but my love can endure that. Love is a choice partly, but it's almost a reflex. If we find love we fall back into it. We trust it, even when we don't know why. Which brings us into love song territory. And there's nothing rational here, but to be honest here at the bottom there isn't an abundance of rationality. There's nothing rational about poverty, or being lost.
No more answers today than yesterday. I'm going to start work on a research project soon. Peace and Goodnight.
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