decisions....... and I am somewhat undecided

So it's important to note that having no future changes a man. At some point, to be more specific the point in which your only future is paying a woman to carry your child, and a future without that is a hopeless wasteland. Not saying the future WITH that is any sort of fantasy or "achievement"
To explain why that is I need to further explain how I see myself. I am a huge pile of wasted potential. If I had made certain choice decisions I could be happily married, and or graduated from college, and or quite well off financially. To be anything less is a failure to WHO I am. I could be a doctor, an MD even, or on the fast track to be a US senator or the top of any field I chose. I could have enough money to buy what I want, anything I want. But I missed the boat on all of that. At some point a man has to realize that the past is the past and the future is the future, and they don't mix. Each has their share of oppertunity. The very least i can do at this point in my life is to push the envelope forward genetically, and to live the rest of my life as comfortable and happy as I can. Maybe I can write a book. But marrying the right woman, and having the career I am capable of is a ship that sailed loooong ago.
One goal I determined would dominate this decade is getting my PhD. At the time it seemed easy, as I had faith in the student aid system. This semester has eroded away every bit of faith in the student aid system. And most of my faith in God while we're discussing it. I'm now coming to realize that if I try to rely on student aid to do the job it was put there for, I'm going to lose my house, which incidentally is the culmination of all the investments I have ever made in my life. So I have to think about other options. Other options being the national guard...... And when you realize that my life serves little purpose OTHER than to achieve this PhD and have a child, both of which cost quite a large amount of money..... I'm not counting on unreliable bets, namely women and the financial aid system. Neither work to the function that God put them on earth to achieve. It is written "If a tree does not bare fruit then order it cut down and thrown into the fire" So..... that's where I stand.