wishing

You know, this isn't the way I wanted it. I went on a long rant last night about what's wrong, how upset I am about what God has done....... so much I'm upset about. There is so much I don't know how to forgive. If just once he could love me, pick me up and put my feet back on the ground....... but that's just me wishing again.
My libido is screwed all to hell right now. it's usually abnormally high... well when I'm alone and dealing with it myself. When I'm with someone else it could be anything, it could be sky high, it could be dead in the water. I've never had it be dead in the water when I'm alone. But last night it was. As I said last night I realized my body is looking for new drugs, and that is one thing I can't do for it. That's the one part of the addictive cycle I can stop. There will be no new drugs.
All I desire right now, maybe ever, is to be loved. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, and it so embodies what I want that I ache for it. It makes me not want to settle for less again (of course I don't have a problem with that). I want someone who I long for, someone I love. Not someone who will just "get the job done". I had that. And she didn't for the record, get the job done that is.
I want somebody who makes me feel......... shit like I see those two feel on this show. Like Melinda feels so obviously, and I suppose how Jim feels too. But I guess I set the bar too high. And I don't think I'll be around long enough to find her. I mean, if I could I would, but God would have to work. And aside from feelings he hasn't.