I can't FUCKING stand this

I can't stand this.
I haven't discussed any of my feelings with anyone in WEEKS. I fucking hate this fucking house, four fucking walls, over and over again I just want to tie a fucking noose and END IT.
I've been playing minecraft. I think I'm sort of hooked on it. A bit. I hate that you know. I shouldn't let myself get hooked on a fucking video game, that I'm up until 3 AM playing it. I've gotten carpal tunnel playing this game. I honestly thought that at this age if I got carpal tunnel playing a game it would be with my wife. I'm going to be fucking 24. ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.
Do you know what happens to women over 20? In oklahoma? They just bulge. it's like a downhill slope. My hypothosis is that they bulge until they turn 35... or 45. anyway at some point they decide to lose the weight and then they become skinny and bitchy. This is the point at which if we were in a society that had hot women the men would start banging their secretaries. Which I think I might be for now. I didn't used to but now I understand anything a man would do to get away from a woman. I guess. Why can't we find women we love enough to fight for, to actually keep going and work for? And when we do find these women, that we feel this way about, they never feel that way about us. Are we supposed to chase them in a futile fashion until we die? I don't know.
I just had to put a stop to When Harry Met Sally.
It makes me want someone to come to realize they love me.
and she won't.
I'll probably have to move on.
And then someday someone will call her up.
"MNHMMM, I've got some news."
"Yes?"
"Max is dead."
"oh?"
"yeah he drove off the freeway, his car exploded, it was great."
"Oh, that's too bad"

And I guess maybe she'll come to the funeral.
She will likely be the only young woman at the funeral because other than her no woman under 30 has ever cared about me.
I can't find my ex Haley on FB
I can as always find my wife, who won't friend me because she despises me. It's not posted anywhere. She hasn't said so, but it's true. Why would you behave as she does if you didn't dispise me?

Shannon has apparently dissappeared. maybe she's dead. who knows? obviously she didn't want my love. She's the one that told me I loved the girl who I'm stuck on now. She said I had a shot. Of course if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have screwed everything up. Fuck her.

I don't know what on earth anyone is expecting from me. One of the reasons I'm not driving anywhere right now is because I think I would try to kill myself if I got the shot. Not that it matters. Obviously I'm succeeding at not killing myself. It's thanksgiving and my family has promised to make all my favorites.

I'm listening to this message on giving. well I don't know what this message is about really. But he's talking and he says "If you have a problem you don't have a problem you have a god problem." My mind is instantly on my prayer. You know how long I've been praying about this? A year and three months.

"God can provide water in a famine, he can provide food by ravens"

I'm sitting here. Stripped to the bone by my life. I've lost EVERYTHING because of me doing what I thought was right. I've lost all my friends, all my money. Every month I have to scrounge together enough money. I fantasize daily about killing myself. When I'm driving to work or school I daydream about driving the car off the highway and die.

And God says he's going to bless me.
You know when people in the bible laughed? I'd laugh.
I'd laugh if I weren't so crushed by this.
How can he keep doing this to me?
I can't stand this stupid chirpy optimism.

I've lost my wife
my best friends.
Every cent I've ever had.

And you know what else? if I had any more I'd give it too.
I don't have anymore.

I don't know why he challenges me like this.
I dont
I honestly feel unloved right now. My mom loves me, my dad loves me but God? I don't see it.
I don't see how someone, even an allmighty being, can behave this way and claim to love me.
It's just... .either he's working on something, and I can't see it, or he has no regard or love for me at all. There's no other way I can understand.

I'm just going to go pray.